Oh the Irony

You have GOT to be kidding me! So, I found out my ride up to Portland fell through. And the train wasn’t gonna be worth it. Just to arrive mid day saturday and leave mid day Sunday arriving home Monday morning.

Monday my building is closed in observance of the Holiday. I did not know that. Or I would have gotten a flight.

Not that it matters greatly, Ana has an interview on Monday. But shit.

That’s annoying as shit.

But, now I have this Thursday, Friday AND next Monday off. Too bad I don’t have anywhere I can go for a FUCKING WEEK off of work. I should be thankful. I should be grateful. I get to sleep in several days in a row. But, not with my best friend. I get several days off of work so I can actually get out and go places, enjoy the sunshine. Ooh, I’d love to enjoy the sunshine. But not with my best friend.

I get to do whatever the fuck I want, and explore wherever. Just not with my best friend. Fuck. I’m just mad. Of all the times to get a Monday off, when I’ve previously asked for the other days off. Awesome.

Just fucking awesome.

So, how ironic is that? Right after I find out I can’t make my trip, that its not worth it, I get an EXTRA day off. Sure, the sleep will be nice, and not working those days will be amazing. Its not fucking funny that I can’t go up to Portland and now I’m forced to take another day off.

An entire week I could’ve had if I had known, and if I had managed to plan better. But, no. Nope. I’ll be stuck in Sacramento to think about all the time I could’ve had with her. 😦

At least I assume one of those days I’ll finally be able to sleep in next to my guy. 🙂

Writing, Ranting, Ticking

I never really liked writing much, I got into it for my computer class in HS. I wrote an essay about how I met my friend Ashley. Donuts Brought Us Together. And that’s what I wrote about. We met through girl scouts and I gave her my 2nd donut that I had and knew I wouldn’t eat before our Girl Scout event that day. We’ve been friends on and off since. We’ve had a few rough patches, but we’re just similar enough that we don’t want to lose each other. She’s a pretty great friend. We just had some shitty moments that I couldn’t confront her about. We’ve had our discussions and we’re all cool now. 🙂 And I love her dearly and I treasure all the dope memories we’ve shared and hopefully will have later.

Anyways, about writing. I didn’t like it, I never thought I was good at it. How do you know you’re a good writer, or a bad one. Can you make sense? Can you follow your subject. Sometimes I go off, explaining other parts that make up my story. I think it means I’m not the best writer, but I share my inner thoughts. I speak bluntly, I speak my truth. I can text and email and blog more than I’m willing to share in person. But, I can get to that point with anyone. My face changes colors, probably multiple times when I discuss what hurts or whats bugging me.

What’s bugging me, today? Quite a lot. My habit of biting my nails is annoying me into more biting of my nails. I also hate that I don’t get to see my best friend this weekend. It was going to be awesome. Hookah, new hair cut, AMAZING mac n cheese(Which I’m totally asking my guy to make), and shopping and exploring the amazing and freezing streets of Portland. I miss her like crazy. 😦

Also, I need a girls day, I want to get my nails, hair, shopping, smoking, and seeing all my pretty ladies. I need that day. I love and miss my girls. All busy bee’s. Gotta find the time to see them all. Head Hunters with Brooke and Sam tomorrow night. And I’ll see Ashley and Lisa at some point before the weekend ends. And I’ll see my beautiful Ana within the next month. I have to, I have so much to give her. 😛

I had an argument with myself this morning, not aloud, of course. There is something I’m not saying. I hadn’t realized how badly I need privacy. My blog is my baby, right now. (That’s ironic, I’ll get to that later) I’m really glad I took it off my FB, I heard “Everyone’s read it” meaning everyone I know well on my FB, and that freaked me out. But, not as much as my new guy. I feel it burning inside me, it made me so nervous. Did he read it, what if it makes him think different. Its really a lot, and its not everything. Its intense for my age. I feel dirty, I feel gross, I feel just miserable. And I have no idea how to bring that feeling up.

Change in subject.

Its ticking. Its started ticking. Its been in the back of my mind for the past several years, I will be a mother one day. Why is this starting to feel impossible to subside. I was there through a miscarriage. I’ve been given a Beatles onesie as a gift. And now I’m once again really close with my friend Lisa with her baby Hunter of 5 months. The mention of siblings, the idea of my own kin has come up. Its hard to ignore the mommy inside of me. I love being around Hunter or any child. The innocence, the love, the happiness. They unconditionally love you, they desperately need you.

Its pure. And its very real. And very easy to see. Its amazing to look into little baby Hunter’s eyes and see it all. He’s so fascinated, he needs so much of you, he’s so very easily entertained. Its just beautiful.

I was MADE to be a mother. And I will one day achieve my life long dream. I understand its not today. Its just hard to get past. I needed to get out that I’m dying inside. And that because of what I’ve put myself through I’ve gone through many phases of the feeling that it’ll never happen, what happens if I can’t carry my own. I don’t think I would be able to live on if that happened. Truly. That’s my dream. I want to carry my child. I want those months of feeling them inside my belly, as I watch them grow from a tiny seed to watch that heart flutter, to feel that kick to the kidney, the glow of there skin, the soft touch of there hand. That pain I will endure to bring them into this world. My child. My bitty baby.

Motherhood is something I envy. I cannot wait. And its been kinda wonderful buying small things for Hunter. Though I really wish I could be buying them for myself. I wish I had my amazing job elsewhere when I become a mother. That I get my leave, my insurance, my day care AT MY JOB just underneath where I work. This is a beautiful place to work, I wish I could’ve gotten this like in a few years. I have goals, that seem unachievable unless my current relationship is meant to be, and he truly is, my Mr. Right. It’s too easy to picture with him, it makes me nervous. Where I am, who we are. Its right. He’s everything I’ve always wanted. He’s funny, and he makes me smile, and music is my world and its a huge part in his too. We are very similar, and have just enough not that I feel like we fit like a puzzle. Its quite adorable.

My goal was that at 25 I would be pregnant or already have my first child. I don’t want to wait any longer than that. And I know if I’m alone, I can’t actually achieve that. Unless alone and at a job as amazing as this one, or better. I don’t lift heavy items, I’m not around any hazardous materials or chemicals. I could work through my entire pregnancy and then go on leave and come back when I’m ready to put my child in day care. Or figure something out til they are. I’m never gonna be fully prepared to be a mother. But, I have experienced a lot. Felt the innocence and the love babies have. I have been around many preschools, either because of girl scouts, or throughout HS. My best friend’s mom was a preschool teacher, and my senior project was teaching a preschool class. I love little kids, and I love seeing when parents raised there kids right. Versus when I find the kids that need to be taught differently…. I feel really bad for them, they had parents that didn’t know what to do when forced to become parents, they were not ready. And the kids are suffering. If you wait til you are ready your child will come out okay. If you hold your own, if you don’t over react or freak out when something goes wrong. They will be okay, they will learn on there own what they need to. You need to be there. And that’s pretty much it. Be there, listen. Understand. And they won’t feel threatened, they won’t go against you. Eventually every child finds rebellion, and I know I plan on handling it as calm as I can. We all make mistakes, don’t let your kids be one of yours. Be the parent, and be their everything.

I will raise my kids to know right from wrong, and morals, and manners, and I assume they’ll come out a bit like me. And maybe better. And hopefully go through different experiences that keep them happy and healthy.

I will not have a “16 and pregnant.” Thank you. But I will actually talk to my kids about sex, clearly where my parents went wrong. Did you ever have a sex talk? Because I didn’t, besides at school.

I hear the ticking loud and clear, and its only getting louder. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Strange and Terrible Timing

In the past couple of months I’ve gone through a thousand realizations. About my past, about my present, and about my future. I’ve just had another.

I’ve finally come out of my shell. I can admit that I was raped, and sexually abused multiple times, and emotionally even more so.

But my boss has a habit of talking about his other life. He is a Grand Master in a bunch of different fighting techniques. He teaches a class in another city, a self defense class. They discussed sexual abuse and wrote essays on what it means to them and if its effected them. He went on explaining that one girl admitted to having something happen from several years back, that at 20, like me, she admitted for the first time, that she didn’t even know it was assault. He’s going off about how can they not know. When I’m sitting here thinking. Please stop talking about it, please stop. I know it would be killer if I spat that out. He gave me pepper spray because he knows I need some kind of protection in downtown. I cannot protect myself. I’d totally freeze up if anything were to happen. I may have to take his class to learn how to react in a good way, in a defensive way. But its very difficult to discuss or hear. He can’t grasp whats wrong with these women, how they get themselves into these situations. Its sadly too easy to get into them, and generally difficult to get out. Especially if you trust whom you’re with.

You can still be raped and assaulted by those you care about. If you DO NOT want it, it is not consensual, this is a very new concept for me. VERY new.

Anyways, thats a difficult conversation to just take in when my boss feels like ranting. I deal, I manage. I’m thankful for my blog. But, I cannot tell him. I should tell him to chill, I can’t really handle hearing it. And he also says “Rape” to easily. He has to deal with women going through the struggle all the time. So, he tries to help them. But, I can’t really ask my boss to work through that with me, or to stop because then he’d know. HOLY CRAP that’s a lot of shame and guilt.

I really can’t tell him though. Its just very difficult. I needed to rant about it.

I’ve had this terrible habit all my life, I bite my finger nails when I’m nervous or upset about anything. Its often. And there has only been a couple times I remember having nails for more than a couple days. Stress free month that must have been.

But. I had little baby nails, now its awful. He really stressed me out when he brought that up. It REALLY upset me that he brought it up.

Realizing

A new realization. Its so difficult to trust now. I can admit my past now, that it wasn’t all fun and games. That I did not want that. Ever.
Now, its so difficult to want to trust men. I keep assuming they view me like a toy. That thats all I’ll ever be.
In high school, I trusted those men. I openly trusted them. Just to be used and thrown away like a napkin or a toy.

I’m seeing someone new. Very unexpected, I thought I was just gonna live my life, and heal and adjust to my new independence. But that was very clearly not what was gonna happen. And I like him a lot already.
But that doesn’t change my trust issues. Its only made me realize I had trust issues. I need reassurance that who I am is okay, that I’m wanted and appreciated.
I still assume its just sexual, its just my looks, that he’ll disappear from my life like the rest. That I will once again not be good enough to keep.

My longest relationship, I was a great girlfriend, for the most part. I trusted him, though he did not trust me. I think he’s passed on that mistrust. He assumed I was cheating, always checking my phone and needing to know where I am. Yet he stole from me, disappeared when I needed him most. How am I supposed to forget that? 2 years of so much bullshit. Soooo much bullshit.
And the taunt of an engagement ring. I’m glad it wasn’t meant to be. He needs a lot of time to grow up and get his life in order. Get a job. A home. Better habits. Better memory. And a massive change in reliability.
I need reliability. Screw me over and expect me to stay, thats not how its supposed to be.
I don’t care if I buy my own stuff, just don’t flake on me when plans are arranged.
I do not need the self doubt.
It is NOT my fault. And I know this now.
Those guys were just fucking douche bags. And I let them walk all over me. No more. Not a chance.
I will have a good man in my life.

And I’m okay if I’ve happened to have just found him.

Van Helsing House started it all

As a kid I remember loving haunted houses and always wanted to go to fright fest and absolutely adored watching all the coolest scary movies with my dad. I absolutely loved all of it, I could take on the world with my dad by my side. I still feel that way about most things. But, I don’t even think he could get me to go into a haunted house now.

I went to Universal Studios once with my family. If you haven’t been there. They had a Van Helsing House. It was just another Haunted house. I went in with my dad and the whole family behind us. I don’t remember how this happened. But he let go of my hand when I got to the last monster jumping out at people. I couldn’t walk by it alone. But my family had continued on without me.
I crawled behind a trash in the little corridor before the last monsters room. I sat crying hearing each scream of each person that walked through. I was getting more terrified by the moment. Stranded, alone, unable to find my way out. I couldn’t go forward but I couldn’t go back. One of the creepy but not scary actors saw me, started to come see if I was okay and he only scared me back into a corner frightening me more.
He went and got a security guard, I saw him speaking to him. But until the security guard came to me I couldn’t think positive. I thought I wasn’t getting out til I was about to pass out from being so frightened.
I don’t know how long I stayed in there before he came.
But he listened to my sobs, let me cover my eyes while he walked me through the last room and ordered him back.
I was then outside. No family members near.
In fact. They didn’t notice I was gone.
My dad was on the phone, a work call of course. My mom sitting with my younger brother near where my sister was getting her photo taken with Tyreese from the Fast and Furious. I wanna say Tyreese… I forget. I didn’t care. I was fucking terrified.
I was still crying when I finally found them. But. I felt awful. Why didn’t they notice I disappeared?
I haven’t gone into a haunted house since. I can’t take the chance I won’t make it out. I am frightened to the core. I am aware they are actors. I just can’t do it anymore.

My friend Ashley and her cousin got me to go to Fright fest, for a 3rd time. But though the park was awful for me, they tried to get me into the small haunted house they had in the middle of the park. I got about 2 feet in before running out. I still can’t do it.
It doesn’t help that my first fright fest… I was on the swings when they let them out. One guy saw my facial reaction to him being near the swings line.
He waited for me to get off. He stared me down while the ride came to a slow/ stop. I was panicking. Starting to really freak out. I couldn’t leave the swings. Sam had to grab me, hold me close and scream at the guy.
“Back off can’t you see she terrified?”
Something like that. I remember feeling like a wuss but LOVING that she helped me. I just cuddled into her when i sat finally. Just freaking out. It was a terrible idea to go to a haunted park.
I heard Mr. Saxobeat for the first time at Fright fest. One of them. But. I don’t think I can do it. I love six flags. I love roller coasters. I still love scary movies. But I cannot go to Fright Fest. I cannot go to a haunted house.
I am so scared shitless at the idea of people going out of there way to scare me. Not when I feel like I’m walking through the world alone.
I need reassurance, and I clearly need to be comforted and feel safe and secure. Always.

Home

Now, that I’ve finally moved out on my own. This has become my go to, when life seems to be suffocating me. I can connect with this song. I will build my home where I am. On my own. My first home on my own, as well as my best friends. It will always hold a special spot in my heart, no matter the flaws, no matter the tears. I will endure what I need to, to build my own home.
This song seriously makes me miss my best friends smile though. I am so very happy I’m gonna be seeing her a week from now.

Never Dull, Always Entertaining

Its hard to keep your head up, and trust in others when you feel very self conscious of anything. At least for me it is.

In the past week. I’ve dropped my phone in my friends toilet because I had to have it with me when I started to do my makeup. I didn’t end up doing much make up. I did in fact go out. And have my best friends maaaaan hit on a guy for me. He was cute, seemed straight in a gay club… So. That was interesting. I quickly found out why. He left at one point. Just disappeared. And he came out in a banana thong. He was a gogo. And a straight guy. WOW. Never thought I’d come across that, I couldn’t even watch Magic Mike without feeling weird. Seeing a man half naked in front of others, clearly not something I’m that comfortable with. I always thought I’d be okay to see male strippers or see a show. I’m starting to think otherwise. I’ve sheltered myself from porn or photos from men I know, so that’s still very new to me. Anyways, I couldn’t look at him, my friends could check him out and I’d hear them say all sorts of crazy remarks about him and his fantastic ass. But I couldn’t do it. I had seen him clothed first. That night was dope though. And Carlos pulled him aside and told him I thought he was cute, and he thought I was too. 😛 But when Carlos pulled him to our table on his break I still couldn’t look but he sounded nice, chill, and his name was Jason. Which was ironic for me, and didn’t help, at all.
I didn’t speak. I was too shy.

I’ve also screwed up at work a lot this week. Like, I should be fired, thats how terrible I feel. Public Transportation has FUCKED me over for like the past couple weeks, if I’m not early. I’m late. So. That’s fucking awesome. It took me 2 and a half hours after my Doctors appointment finally ended to get back to work. Meaning I arrived AFTER my coworkers left. They had only been gone like less than 10 minutes. But, it sucked. And I didn’t get to explain what took me so long, just disappointment. But, But, But, I don’t have a car. 😦
I need to get a car. I’m tired of using CL to get my errands done or having to rely on friends for anything. Everyone I know is SO busy or has a life they can’t just drop for me. So, I’m not about to ask. So, I pay CL rideshare when I gotta go. Or use a LOT of public transportation.

I mean, I’m NEVER late to work, except when I screw up and take a long lunch. But we don’t have time cards, and its permitted as long as they are aware whats up. I’m still working on that line, when am I supposed to call? When I know I’m gonna be late, when I’m on my way? When I think I’m gonna be late. When I think I may take too long doing whatever. There are a lot of questions I’m just afraid to ask. So, It leads to confusion and my self doubt.
I feel like I’m going to be fired. And thats a terrible feeling. :/

So, now that I HAVE to replace my phone. And I can’t use the upgrade. I’m getting my own plan. A new number. My first bill in MY name. Woohoo!

And we get internet this week. 🙂 Not in my name. But, I pay half the bill so I can have internet at my place. Oh, my next door neighbor is one of my best friends, so that’s why I get internet too. 😀

So, this week has had some ups and some downs. But overall, its been on the better side, except at work. I just really hope I keep my job. 😦 Think good thoughts for me. I need this job!

Confrontation: Part Two

Confrontation, Comparison, and Communication.

Comparison may be the heart of all unhappiness, but confrontation is probably worse. We as people are unsure of how to communicate with others when it comes to the point we have to tell them something they may not want to hear. We can’t handle the truth sometimes, and thats sad to say. When it tears best friends apart because there is something building inside them both. And neither can confront it.
Its those closest to us, that is the hardest to confront. But it has to be done, or you will watch them slip away. You don’t have to confront them face to face, that may lead to yelling and misunderstanding. A well written, level headed message or email should get the main point across, with a phone call or face to face interaction to follow. You should eventually figure it out. And if they mean that much to you, they will understand what you have to say. If you are not connected anymore, if they no longer care. They won’t get it, and it’ll just frustrate them and force them to let go. THIS is where it gets tough. Can you face your fears of confrontation?

Communication. Communication. Communication. You must learn to communicate. Every issue, every problem, every nagging thought. If you want things to change, you have to get it out.

So.

What are you gonna do about it?

 

I dreaded confronting anyone about anything. I refused to confront those I was closest to, so instead I pushed them away. If ever we had something terrible happen or something lame was said. I let it build until I couldn’t stand to look at your face. Then it was time we needed to separate. So, I made sure of that.

I washed myself of multiple friendships because I didn’t want to have to confront them on an issue I couldn’t bare to speak of. That guy you gave yourself to, worst guy on the planet, literally. That note you wrote that made no sense that got us suspended. The time you said you couldn’t make it to my birthday party yet posted on FB that you could make it to another at the exact time of mine.

I’d like to thank my first love for this. Beaumont. You were the worst at confrontation about anything, and you let it blow up quite terribly when you did confront me. But, I stuck around. I thought you were worth it. And I know now, you weren’t.

We learned from each other. I learned I needed to step up and tell you what was wrong. We were living in our own apartment. We needed to be able to confront each other on important issues we’d previously just shoveled into a corner assuming it’d disappear. It doesn’t go away. Those thoughts stay until you discuss them and accept them. I had to confront you on your stealing, that apparently you stole from everyone the whole time I lived with you. Somehow I didn’t notice that, and you had to confront me on what you really think of me. That you believe I am still like I was in HS. That you can’t grasp the concept of why I did all the terrible things I did. How could I have put myself in that situation. How could I have wanted to be with them. Why did I choose that life. Why couldn’t I take the route that you took.
I was not a superstar athlete in HS, I was a pretty good swimmer, and could’ve totally pushed myself more in many ways to be a different person. Do better in school.

You got to experience an ENTIRELY different kind of life than me. We are complete and total opposites, I am not sure how I managed to fall for you. You were so amazing in the beginning. Was it me that changed you? Did I turn you into a terrible human being? I did not cheat, yet you checked my phone daily. I did not see my friends, because you wanted to see me after work. Yet you’d be with yours when I got home, or worse, when I needed you. You were never reliable. Never. I somehow let you DRIVE over my foot! You never met me when I needed you, desperately. You do not think of how others would feel by what you do. It was only about you. Hiding from your parents, or running from me when you couldn’t confront me. Yes, physically ran out of my house and down the street once.. 

And I have confronted you. About everything you’ve done, and you’ve found the courage to confront me, rather than running. You can confront your own father now. When previously, you hid in the closet at his knock. Great fella.

But, this wasn’t for bashing. Confrontation. Something we all struggle with.

 

Dumbass!

This may be going a tad far. But, I’m sorry.

Does everyone think I’m a fucking idiot?Just curious.

I did in fact read that wrong. Thats my bad. But I literally just got the memo that you believe I am, in fact, stupid. I love you, and I know I’m malnourished, and I know what that means to be malnourished. I’m living it and have been for years.

I need to read more, I know. I don’t know every word known to man, I’m aware. Do I need to feel like a dumbass by everyone? No, I don’t. Does anyone need to be reminded that they are slow at times, for what ever reason.

When I start text talking to everyone, that’s when you can call me a dumbass. I understand what you are saying, but I do not think like you do. Do not make me feel tiny so you can feel big.

Where I am strong, you are weak. Where you are strong, I am weak. Thats how the world works. Don’t undermine everything I do.

I am in fact a good dancer, but I’m not a big booty girl that dances like THAT. But I can hold my own, thank you. I am not in fact the smartest, but I am not a fucking dumbass. I am in fact mature now, maturing more and more each day. Depending on NO ONE. I was never as  immature as you all said I was. And that killed me. 😦

The worst part about it, I knew what she meant, and I answered in a different way than I guess liked. So, I got another smart ass response. I feel like a dumbass, frequently. Yet, I know I’m not. I am fully aware I am not the smartest person on this earth, and I’m not wanting to be, or claiming to be. I just don’t want to be known as the ditz, the idiot, the dumbass in my group. I am not a dumbass, I just prefer not to talk, to most people.

Also, I’m fully aware that I know how to give some damn good advice. I’ve lived through some pain and torture, I have watched those around me fall to there knees from something they could not face. Through pain and tears, I’ve kept my pride in myself. I never let myself get down, I stayed strong on the outside.

When you are told by absolutely everyone that you lack motivation, you are only a C+ student, yet when I get the chance like this, I’m capable of thoughts those around me can’t come to. I choose to keep to myself. Fully aware of what I’m capable of, so, that doesn’t make me the smartest. I’m still not in fact stupid. And I’ll never be okay with being treated as so.

I am like a porcelain doll, I break easily, I hold up okay, but its easy to knock me down, and I’ll just fall deep by myself. Never showing all the chips and cracks.

I just wish I could avoid it, somehow not be looked down upon.

Whether its because of something from my past, the fact that I hated school, or that you believe I don’t know what you’re talking about, or when you believe you are far more mature than me.

I am not an idiot, and I am not so immature I won’t understand. I just think differently than you.

I’m taking a sabbatical from texting, until I can handle receiving a text that makes me feel like a complete and utter DUMBASS.

Planner Bee

I’ve always had this secret passion for planning events. Planning rather. Love planning things. Greatest feeling ever to help plan events. Better when I get to do it myself.
I’ve planned birthday parties, that with unreliable people turned to crap. But its not my planning skills. Its the importance level others made on my events. They didn’t find it worth there time. Frequently.
But that stops now.
I am planning not one but TWO bachelorette parties. And these bitches need a damn good evening.
I’ll do my part and get everything ready and planned out for a fantastic evening. For both of my beautiful brides. I just need to be able to count on the ladies supposed to show and make the rest of the evening Legendary. 😉
I will make it happen. These lovely ladies deserve it. Ironically going to be nights completely opposite of each other. Being as they have completely different tastes. Should be fun figuring out the details and places and what to wear.

Also. I get to help a touch with the weddings. 🙂
I believe I’m the maid of Honor for one of them. And I’m the photographer, and part wedding planner for the other. 🙂