The truth. Some of my pain.

I want to write it all down. Everything that has happened. Following the foot steps of a new friend. πŸ™‚ I shall start from my beginning.

Where it all went wrong.

My childhood was pretty fantastic, I was naive, and loved every one I knew and played outdoors, fought with my older sister all the time. Stuff like that. I loved life, and I had the greatest best friend ever, Cc. πŸ™‚

Then we moved when I was 8. And my grandma passed. And I shared a room with my older sister, and shorty had his own room. >.<

That quickly was a terrible idea. We stopped getting along all together. So, I got new friends and did nothing at home. I was not a social butterfly once I cameΒ  home from school. I did not have friends over. I mostly wasn’t allowed. I don’t remember much about this time, but I remember fighting with my sister, being pushed down that ladder up to the top bunk. Shoved into walls. Grabbed too firmly by the wrist. I even remember one specific spanking. Clothing hanger. I stopped misbehaving, that was my last spanking.

I became quiet. 6th grade I had started writing and sending letters to my best friend, just because we thought it was fun. One day I said something in a letter that set her off, I don’t have a clue what I wrote anymore. Just that whatever I said, made CPS come to my school, talk to me and my siblings and threaten to take me away. I went home that day and had to explain lots to my parents. I remember cleaning the entire house, just in case they came. We had a disaster for a home. I’m not sure how we lived in it. Guests were not allowed, that would be rude and disgusting.

My mother hoarded, and we just dealt with it. My mother.

Then, 7th grade. I was a little shit, always hanging out with the wrong crowd. I managed to befriend the wrong girls, like the bad boys, and not want much for my school. I really hated school, I was terrible at tests and every teacher before had said I have so much potential but lack motivation. C+ student at best.

I got my first cast 7th grade, at king skate, to the game Wipeout, showing off for no reason. Anyways. 7th grade sucked. I hated myself at the end of it. Thankful that the shitty people in my life graduated to HS. 8th grade was dope. Great friends, no bull shit, I was a TA and had the coolest elective wheel. Secretly loved my reading class, we only read new small books and took tests. That was my class. πŸ™‚

I became a runner. And I had already been swimming on a rec team every summer, it was nice that I stayed in shape with my favorite runner keeping me motivated. I was real close with Kaitlynn then. Somehow she became a cunt over that summer though.

My freshman year. Where everything went ALL wrong. I made my usual friends, the nerdy type that loved to talk like I did. I was super immature, knew nothing about sex. Had only kissed someone previously, felt up? Whats that?
I was a good kid mostly, I didn’t try to hard, but I did what I was told, and I never lied or snuck out. Never tried alcohol before, not that taste of wine offered, not that sip of eggnog with kahluha. Drugs didn’t even exist yet.

Then, it was like a movie when it happened. I can too easily see it play out.
I saw him. Luke.
He was gorgeous, the most magnificent sight I’d laid eyes on. I had to know him.
He was popular, sweet, and funny. To everyone else.
I wanted nothing but to be his, or at least his friend. He was a great friend, to everyone else. I always got to see it, but never experience it.
I wanted to see him, one night. I had still never drank, smoked, snuck out, cheated, lied, skipped class.
I snuck out for the first time. Scared shitless of course. I got caught on the fence. Ripped my shorts, fuuuucked up my left arm. Fat bruise all down my arm with some minor cuts.
That night I was the most nervous I’ve ever felt. Unable to speak. I couldn’t handle being around him. He stunned me, I was always speechless, unable to grasp that I was with him. HIM.
Nothing happened. I missed my chance at a kiss. A simple kiss.
I went home smiling, and sore.
Didn’t get caught.
The bruise stayed for months though. Since I snuck out at the beginning of June. I was stuck wearing long sleeve and baseball tees all through summer. To hide my HUGE bruise. They saw eventually. And out came my first lie I remember telling. Turning quickly to feel my face flush red.
I was a terrible liar. Still am.
Then began my sophomore year.
I didn’t see him the rest of the summer, but stayed in touch.
I had gotten my belly button pierced. A cell phone. And I had joined the cross country team. Enjoying my classes. Kind of. French. Art. Avid.
I made a choice. For some reason. I got the message that he didn’t want me, I was a virgin.
I decided i no longer wanted to be. At barely 15. I asked him over on the greatest day I had, had in awhile. I had my first cross country meet. Ran slowly. But it felt good to be apart of something in fall.
My parents had gone to a concert for the evening by the time I got home from my meet. I asked him over.
To cyclone I gave myself up.
It was awful. I’d never done anything like that. Never been undressed in front of someone.
It shouldn’t count. Nor should the next several months.
I started sneaking out after that. Often.
I saw him a few other times. Like the time I actually lost my “cherry” destroying a mattress in the meantime. Unable to help with the clean up.
I was teased by his friends for the stain I didn’t mean to leave.
He wanted to help me that night, worried I was in trouble unaware of what had happened.
I know now.
Sneaking out. Ditching classes all the time. Failing every class.
My first drink. And my first cigarette. In the same night.
I was asked over, to see him. I had my first shot, Bacardi 151. Are you serious! I couldn’t breathe or talk! As a chaser I had Malibu juice. Nasty flavor, mango or something I can’t stand.
I was told I couldn’t get a ride home unless I smoked my own cigarette. I demanded not for awhile, til I was forced, I needed to go home.
I didn’t see him for awhile. I met C…. then. I talked to him for hours! We just, clicked. And it was awesome. I was so comfortable with him. He was older, and I had heard nothing but amazing things. My sister was at one point friends with him.
I quickly knew I liked him and wanted to see more of him. But I couldn’t wait.
Adding a second guy to my list. Without a relationship. :/
The next year is a blur. I tried marijuana. Loved it for awhile. Then stopped suddenly when Luke got mad at me one terrible evening.
I had added 2 other names by then.
I had hit low. I was failing everything, my parents were constantly mad at me about school.
I had pulled away so far. No one knew anything about my life.
I had a stomach ache once. This whole night is very clear to me.
I had had a conversation with my dad, about him trusting me. That I was trying to get better in school. I promised to do better.
I felt sick before that though, had gotten worse. My mom jokingly said what been messing around with guys too much?
No i spat out.
Are ya sure haha. She said.
No i said quietly.
They got quiet.

She asked if I was a virgin. I said no.
my dad quickly got up and left, slamming the door behind him. Saying, and I just said I trusted you.
It was really hard.
My parents were angry. My mom decided to tell my whole family about her disappointments in me. I was looked down upon by everyone I knew.
I had lost my good friends, the kind ones, that didn’t cheat, or ditch. I was with my badass friends. And Ana. But we thought we were cool.
My summer after sophomore year. I had gained weight from the stress, I had never been big or chunky.
I went to hawaii to celebrate my 16th birthday and my sister graduating. I didn’t want to go. It meant I didn’t get a sweet 16. The party I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. Not my wedding, but being popular and liked enough to have a huge bash. Celebrating me.
No. No party at all.
Just sickness in Hawaii. I got to fly. And that was awesome. But I was stuck on an elevator the whole week. Couldn’t go anywhere. It all felt bad. I hated my trip in hawaii. Truly. I’d like to go back, to see if I can enjoy it.
When we came home. I went to a party with a friend. Best night of my life. I was liked by all the girls, and I had a cutie arriving just to see me at this party. C…. πŸ™‚
Then later that summer, I met a new guy. Snuck out to see him once, and smoked soooo much at his house I passed out. I stayed asleep til noon the next day. Waking up to 52 missed calls and 19 text messages. I remember the panic.
But i was still baked from passing out. I couldn’t function yet.
I was stranded and sooo dead when i got home.
That was the first time they found out about my sneaking out.
I was grounded the rest of the summer or til they trusted me.
I had just under a month left of summer. I cleaned the backyard as my project. It was beautiful.
And eventually I earned rights to my phone. I wasn’t allowed to send texts that my parents didn’t read. Or make calls while they weren’t around.
I had no right on a computer. I was trapped in my home for 2 weeks without contact to the outside world. I didn’t go anywhere.
Ana came over. The last weekend before school.
We drank and then snuck out to meet a friend. I sang at the top of my lungs on a table in the park nearest to my parents. Passed out briefly by the river.
Screamed my head off at Ana about Luke. She hated him. Haha. I got very sick in the street, blacked out. And suddenly i was on my street being carried home. My sister was on aim that night. Aware of where i was. She stayed up to let me in the house.
Every message sent to her was sent to my moms phone.
My parents knew i had snuck out again when they woke up.
They came to my room while i was still drunk from the night before.
I answered honestly. Lol
Ana came in. And i made an audio tape, while i was still drunk. Itty bitty mini kitty, in my babiest of baby voices. That followed me for years. It was real silly.

That summer. Just before I got myself into the worst trouble I’ve been in.
I was invited to a bonfire, by an old crush, someone I had had a crush on for years, more since growing up. That boy had a dreamy smile. Its hard to see now.
The bonfire had already ended. But he said it was still going when he got me.
He walked me on the levi, going towards where it had been held.
Then turned and pushed me up against a fence, of a house that no one lived in( realtor signs).
I absolutely said no, multiple times. I had never wanted to do anything in public.
But he continued to force himself on me.
I’ve faced him once since then. I couldn’t handle it. I shut down, said nothing. Forced to be in the same room.
But I knew then that I couldn’t get over it. That was when I finally confessed for the first time. To my best friend Ashley.
I was in denial til i saw him.

Then. My senior year.
I stayed away from guys all together. I wanted nothing to do with them.
I focused on my friends. My classes. My senior project. My swimming. My future.
Then, I thought i found a nice guy. We hung out a couple times. Talked a lot for a couple months.
I thought we were exclusive and dating.
I was wrong.
I chose to see him one late evening. And its the only thing I’ve truly regretted doing.
That time. I screwed up.
Lets just say my biggest problems are related to sex. In some way. Whether it was a time I shouldn’t have. To a time I didn’t want to. To a time I did, and fucking hated every second. And that happened the most.
He started talking to another girl at school after that.
I let it go. Befriended her cuz she was in my class. Then i gave her my “blessing” cuz i thought he was a good guy still. Just didn’t want me. And that was whatever.
He said he had never hung out with me. Never liked me. Never talked to me.
I never existed.
So, she thought i was a stalker and a liar.
So, that spread. My senior year got really rough. My friends helped me through it. I kept my smile through my tears. I will always keep my smile.
I was taunted til the day I graduated.
I did find a good guy, a virgin. So my life was made uncomplicated.
What I’ve learned. I can’t step foot on my HS campus without feeling everything. Seeing every painful memory. I cannot see the good there. Not anymore. I hope to one day return and be able to see the good. One day.
I’ve been a million times better since leaving that wretched school.
I was never popular. Wanted by men. For the wrong reasons.
I feel unworthy of men now. I have been on very few dates. Firsts are even fewer.
I am still growing. Still letting go.

I needed this. Whether no one reads it.
I needed to write it down.
What I’ve lived through.
And I am not bitter. I am joyous. I live my life the best I can. I smile all the time. With the braces I’ve wanted since I was 8.
I lived. There is light after darkness.
I am on my own. Single now. I’ve experienced my first love. My first love lost.
And I am healing. Slowly.


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