The Cruel Goddess Ana

I am not pro Ana. But I am fighting that same fight, not due to wanting to lose weight. I have no idea how I ended up where I am, with my ribs showing slightly and my hips quite a bit. I may look great right now, but I do not feel healthy. I can only get one meal down a day, if that. I gag from most of what I eat, I try to finish whatever it is that I made for myself, but frequently am unable to. I’m already full from just a few bites. Yet each morning I wake up starving and I can’t stand long enough to make food. I am stuck in a cycle of being unable to overeat, unable to gain the weight back. Unable to finish a decent meal.
I don’t like to see this much bone, and I don’t like to feel the way I do. I need food in my life, I love food. I miss craving it. I wish I had cravings again. Then I’d know my body is on its way to recovery.
Its not a choice I made. It just, happened for me. And I don’t wish it upon anyone. May you eat healthy and be able to give blood.

pen, paper, and crazy

Trigger warning for a more in-depth discussion of my eating disorder issues and mentioning of my (stupid) perusal of pro-Ana websites.
I do not want to encourage any eating disorders.  That is not my intent with this post at all.  Please let me know if you find it “pro-eating disorder” because I am not in that mindset, despite my struggle.

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This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week.  Unfortunately, what it’s done for me is just made me more aware of mine and the fact that I am no where near a stable recovery (though I am trying).

I slipped up today in my perusing of eating disorder blogs.  Usually I’m good and just read the strictly supportive/recovery based ones.  The ones that do not encourage Thinking Thin or Thinspiration or any of that harmful talk.  I found a couple new ones yesterday that were absolutely lovely and…

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2 thoughts on “The Cruel Goddess Ana

  1. First of all, thank you muchly for the re-blog.

    I am sorry you are struggling. I hope you are able to find the support and healing that you need.

    Not being a medical professional or therapist, I can’t really recommend anything or give any good advice. But it might be a good idea to see someone if you’re having trouble simply eating, but it’s not due to a desire of thinness or wanting to lose weight. I’m not sure what that means.

    I do hope you’re able to find recovery though. That weariness, exhaustion, and desire to just eat normally is rotten. It is one of the banes of my existence. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone either.

    Warm thoughts,
    -Pen

    • My problem with anorexia. It may be because I have a tortured past, that’s literally eating me alive. Or I screwed up at one point, and thought to eat less. Or had to for some reason, and its escalade since then. Drastically.

      Thank you for your kind thoughts. And your welcome for the reblog. 🙂

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