Flashback (Rated R)

In a previous post, I shared my deepest pains. An old crush once asked me to a bonfire. When it had already ended.
Walking me to where it had been held, stopping by a house with realtor signs up in the backyard and I knew previously the house had been empty a few days now.
I don’t remember every detail. I’ve blocked it, and let it flash back, blocked it and let it flash back again tonight. I’d like to write it down before I end up blocking it out once more.

I was now at that fence. Facing him, as he was trying to kiss me and groping me at the same time. I asked about the bonfire.
He continued.
He kissed me then. It was hard to handle the mixed emotions, I really didn’t want to be there, I wanted to socialize and hang out with him. But I did like him, previously. I tried to go with it.
Til he shoved his fingers inside me. The pain. I said no!
I know I said stop.
I kept moving my underwear back moving him away.
He flipped me around.
Pinned me to the fence.
He held both my hands firmly with one, my wrists are so small, I couldn’t move at all. I was so stunned.
I said stop! Stop!
No!
I didn’t scream or yell. I was quiet. It was late. I couldn’t. No. Not me. This isn’t.
I remember freaking out. Just stuck in my mind.
I don’t know how long I was there.
I was frozen. Starting to collapse he kept me up.
Frozen.
Someone started to come near. Hearing voices and light footsteps getting louder.
Stopped. I stayed frozen.

He told me the bonfire already ended, or something by this point.
Somehow I’m aware of that being said.

I walked home. And I sat out front for probably 20 minutes.
I sat.
I stayed frozen.
Then I went inside.
I sat.
I stayed frozen.
I tried to watch whatever my sister was watching. Hoping she wouldn’t ask about my night.
I even wanna say she had a friend over.
I felt gross.
I just wanted to sleep.
Or disappear.
I decided it wasn’t… rape.
I forgot about it after that. I never spoke to him. Of him. I could not say his name. I could not see his picture.
I could not face his cousin, my once best friend. A…..

I didn’t see him for 2 years.
Then, I sadly went to Lukes to hang out, he was there. And Luke didn’t tell me.
I hesitated stepping foot inside. But I went in.
I didn’t say anything. The entire time R….. was in the room. Ever. Just stared at my pants or my shoes.
He left. Then I left. I couldn’t handle it.

I went home. And I called my best friend at that time. Miss Zashley. Or Rayne. Or Ashley. Same difference.
I couldn’t hide it anymore. I had to tell someone. It all flashed back. I couldn’t keep denying it.
I told her I saw him, and explained about before. Well. A little anyways. A brief summary. Since I haven’t spoken the words without guilt and shame and embarrassment.
She had no idea.
I waited to tell anyone else.

Within the past year or so, I’ve confessed to a few close friends understating the seriousness. Of course.
I would then smile. 🙂 through my tears.
Always.

I admit now.
I was raped.
And I am seeking a therapist currently.

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One thought on “Flashback (Rated R)

  1. You are not alone. He may have taken something that was precious to you, but once you work through it, you will be stronger than he ever could be. I have lived through that scenario. Twice. And look where I am now!!! I love my life. You will too. ❤

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