In a previous post, I shared my deepest pains. An old crush once asked me to a bonfire. When it had already ended.
Walking me to where it had been held, stopping by a house with realtor signs up in the backyard and I knew previously the house had been empty a few days now.
I don’t remember every detail. I’ve blocked it, and let it flash back, blocked it and let it flash back again tonight. I’d like to write it down before I end up blocking it out once more.
I was now at that fence. Facing him, as he was trying to kiss me and groping me at the same time. I asked about the bonfire.
He kissed me then. It was hard to handle the mixed emotions, I really didn’t want to be there, I wanted to socialize and hang out with him. But I did like him, previously. I tried to go with it.
Til he shoved his fingers inside me. The pain. I said no!
I know I said stop.
I kept moving my underwear back moving him away.
He flipped me around.
Pinned me to the fence.
He held both my hands firmly with one, my wrists are so small, I couldn’t move at all. I was so stunned.
I said stop! Stop!
I didn’t scream or yell. I was quiet. It was late. I couldn’t. No. Not me. This isn’t.
I remember freaking out. Just stuck in my mind.
I don’t know how long I was there.
I was frozen. Starting to collapse he kept me up.
Someone started to come near. Hearing voices and light footsteps getting louder.
Stopped. I stayed frozen.
He told me the bonfire already ended, or something by this point.
Somehow I’m aware of that being said.
I walked home. And I sat out front for probably 20 minutes.
I stayed frozen.
Then I went inside.
I stayed frozen.
I tried to watch whatever my sister was watching. Hoping she wouldn’t ask about my night.
I even wanna say she had a friend over.
I felt gross.
I just wanted to sleep.
I decided it wasn’t… rape.
I forgot about it after that. I never spoke to him. Of him. I could not say his name. I could not see his picture.
I could not face his cousin, my once best friend. A…..
I didn’t see him for 2 years.
Then, I sadly went to Lukes to hang out, he was there. And Luke didn’t tell me.
I hesitated stepping foot inside. But I went in.
I didn’t say anything. The entire time R….. was in the room. Ever. Just stared at my pants or my shoes.
He left. Then I left. I couldn’t handle it.
I went home. And I called my best friend at that time. Miss Zashley. Or Rayne. Or Ashley. Same difference.
I couldn’t hide it anymore. I had to tell someone. It all flashed back. I couldn’t keep denying it.
I told her I saw him, and explained about before. Well. A little anyways. A brief summary. Since I haven’t spoken the words without guilt and shame and embarrassment.
She had no idea.
I waited to tell anyone else.
Within the past year or so, I’ve confessed to a few close friends understating the seriousness. Of course.
I would then smile. 🙂 through my tears.
I admit now.
I was raped.
And I am seeking a therapist currently.