Jealousy? Maybe.

I’m not sure if its jealousy, or envy, or maybe there is something there that is truly unnerving. I can remember wanting to like you, as my friend. I thought you seemed cool, at first. Then I met you, and we were friends for awhile in HS. I don’t even understand where it is that this is coming from. I just can’t shake it.

I know a woman. I knew a woman. She was once really close to me even, I’ve spent the night at her place a few times, we had classes together, she was in my grade, my age. And she took me to Junior prom. Maybe that was it? Maybe thats the night my view of you changed. When you allowed salt to be poured into my water cup at Ihop. Even though my crush worked there, and was there, then. Or the fact that at my Junior Prom you asked where we should go to eat after. I said anywhere but Ihop sounds good. How that meant, lets go to Ihop! I’ll never know.

Or the fact that, I was the reason your dads bike was stolen, it was my party that it happened at. And I didn’t mean for it, I wasn’t the one asking for them to use it.

Maybe it was your best friend. Maybe it was him that made me want to hate you. Want to loathe and despise you. Introducing me to a guy that would one day stab me in the back, yea. That’s some fun shit. The fact that when he did it, you laughed along with him.

Maybe its jealousy, since you were always so popular in HS, and that everyone still goes ape shit over you. I still can’t go without stories with your name. No one has your name. You have a dope name. Which also irritates me.

Why must you irritate me this much? I can’t figure it out. Maybe its just that this week is too rough for me to think about my past resentments towards you, I remain bitter towards you as a human being. I do not like being around you. You actually piss me off now, annoying in every way possible. You managed to have it all, and have nothing. At the same time.

I respect what you’ve done with your life, you’ve gone out and stepped into the world. But I feel you are still the same person and maybe I just don’t know you well enough anymore. Maybe that’s my problem. You remain in my life, somehow. And you still irritate me, and remind me of everything TERRIBLE.

I want to let it go, and see you as the friend of my good friend. Or as the friend I once had. Not this way. This is a terrible way for me to view a person. And I can’t seem to stop it, I have felt this way towards you for quite some time now. Maybe you showed me up at a party of mine, or at prom. I can’t remember. Too much has happened. Too much time has passed. All I know is, I’m letting it out now. I wanted to share this strange obsession. WHY CAN’T I JUST IGNORE YOU! Or accept you as you are.

It sucks. Whether its jealousy, envy, or past resentment. I want it gone. And I want you to be happy in your life. Just, not in my life.


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