Racing Thoughts

I had been DYING to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I’m glad I waited. I didn’t expect that, at all. No warning. Somehow, I didn’t see that coming. And though it was harder and harder to watch, I finished it. Balling.

I was fixing up my hair during the first half, clearly not the half I should’ve been just kind of watching and simply listening. While sitting and frying my head, I’m thinking to myself.

Why is it always little kids, I’ve heard so many stories about past problems from some of my friends while I was still in HS. And that was before. Before anything had happened to me. Before I admitted any problems in my own life. What next hit me. Was why I denied everything. I was not a child, and in a different situation. I would’ve wanted him. Not publicly, never in public. WHY did that have to be in public. I can’t stand the river..

This morning, those same thoughts. I refused to believe I was a victim of any form of abuse. That because I was older, and I should’ve been able to defend myself and stop it. That it was me. That I needed to keep it to myself, because it would be hard to believe, him, he was gorgeous. No way I would’ve turned him down. No, I probably wouldn’t have. But not like that. And repetitive I know. But in PUBLIC. WHAT THE HELL.

Its already easier to think about, still not words I can say aloud. I have always been able to write down what was up with me. My favorite woman to confide in, Brooke. I was able to speak to her, about the worst thoughts that have ever crossed my mind, those thoughts I have NEVER shared with anyone else. These thoughts, I’ve never shared. But, I knew she would understand where I was coming from. She’s been there for me through so much. SO MUCH! Every ounce of pain my Sophomore  year, my Junior year, Senior year, to now. She is DOPE. And she’s a fantastic listener. And that’s what I needed most. Not someone to tell me not to think that way, to sympathize with me. Just, listen. And understand completely.

Sadly, I was bullied in HS, not calling it bullying either. Not til recently. Not til reading Amanda Todds story. She couldn’t handle it, and its not something anyone should have to handle. Hers was quite intense, and proceeded to just get worse at every turn. No getting away.

I was bullied by a specific group. That threatened to beat me, sent me hate messages, and did in fact know where I lived. They were the 2 best chick friends, of Luke. They didn’t approve, and he egged em on. I did not fight back for the most part, simply taking it. But it kept getting dosed out. Kept happening. Those girls were relentless. But when I fought back, it got worse.

And my Myspace was hacked after that. I suspected them, or another of that group. That was rough. I remember my mom hopping on to defend me, which then made it WORSE.

My few friends were there for me, but I didn’t want the support or help. I wanted to wallow in self pity, alone. Then be happy with them.

My high school days went like this. Mostly, I skipped lunch, and saved my money for weed. Yes, weed. I would get a small amount and I’d desperately need to smoke after school when I had it, or at night. Or on the weekends with friends, wherever.

After school each day, after new years or so my sophomore year, I would walk. I went on a walk for up to 3 hours EVERYDAY. Or I came home and napped. I never made plans with anyone, not til I had a best friend. Mostly. Everyone I’ve been friends with, already had a best friend. I was no ones best friend.

I had Cc until my parents made us move.

Then Analyssa until she moved out of the city. 1 year.

Then Ivy, til she moved out of state. 1 year.

Mostly I was just the good friend to a lot of people. I’ll tell ya, that’s not that nice. I know this now. I’m thankful for my best friends now. That when I’m with them, typically I feel that close tie. They know me, and they’ve stuck it out. Through all my boy troubles.

High school seems to be looking worse and worse each time I think about it…

There was a lot of petty drama that happened between the bigger issues, problems, and suicidal thoughts. A lot. I really dislike that HS works like that.

I got suspended, once. Over a lame fake note my friend wrote. We stopped talking then, kinda. But we aren’t good at that. We can’t stray from each other. Ever. But it was a terrible idea that we thought of. We should’ve just stayed off campus.

I ditched a lot. Not leaving campus, but leaving class and just. Staying away. Hung out in the bathroom, for some reason thats what girls did? We snuck out of class to hang out in the bathroom? Sometimes others smoked, I couldn’t take that chance. Sometimes they’d do there make up. I always kinda stood, and listened to whomever I ditched with. I always got nervous and never really liked the idea of doing it.

My junior year. I ditched even more than my sophomore. Fuck, I ditched way more. Typically just enough that my parents weren’t called. And we ironically had a sub each time I went missing, so it wasn’t a lie I got to tell my parents. Oh we had a sub, must’ve missed my name somehow. Not a stretch, it was a lie, but we did have a sub.

I did a lot of stupid shit, but more than that, I hung out with a lot of people that did even more so, some STUPID shit. So, I thought I was normal. Kinda?
I did enjoy those friends, but they were all a little insane… Drinking and doing drugs at school. Like E or actually getting WASTED at school. I will admit now, lame like. I would smoke before school, or after. Not during. But the only thing I did other than that. Was adderall. When I had a test my senior year, OH MAN! I aced that shit! I was SO ecstatic. My days were SOOOOO fantastic when I got to take it. I took it about 6 times at school. Over a period of 2 years. So, its not that terrible. It lasted the whole day. And it made me the happiest I could be. I talked about John Lennon on it once. Day was dope. And I always loved seeing everyone. No downside to the drug, except that I didn’t eat. For 2 days. Day of, and the day after. And sleep never seem to come. I rearranged my room every time I took it, what else was I gonna do in my room. Sit. No one was coming.

I at least felt like I belonged throughout. Except that I kept losing my friends. Every year they would switch up.

Freshman year I had Jen and Christina. Sophomore year I had Jen and Sam, then Ana. Junior year I had Ana, then she moved and I had Ashley. And she opened me up to a dozen generally terrible people….. Honestly. Not people I should’ve been friends with. They had no business in the life I lived, we lived too different. But, they were who I called, “friends”

I threw Ash a party. My god. I wish I could remember it. It was a disaster, in my eyes. I stayed pretty much sober. And at one point I got so depressed I had to go outside and dance alone in the street to my iPod. I’d been through too much and couldn’t handle the drugs, and couples, and sex, and gross, and bleh. I no longer wanted to be there.

I felt awful. But I couldn’t go home. Ash came out and asked what was up. I said I just needed a minute.

The whole party at one point came out to see me outside, just to see me dancing alone. To make fun, of course.

I have a few stories like that… Hmmm. I hated those parties, I always needed to be away from it. Too much blehh.

Another party. With Ana. Just a party, a small little thing. Beer pong in a tiny little room. Cigarettes, everywhere. A huge trampoline, I dug that. I think I hopped on and laid there for a moment at one point, random fact, because I love trampolines. Anyways, I left that party too. Walked out front, danced in the street with my iPod. I wasn’t out long before she noticed I was gone. Maybe 2 songs went by. I was really blue. REALLY blue. I was almost in tears JUST before they came out. Hey Drunkie! Yea, I was then Drunkie. They asked what was up, and to come back. And dance out back if I wanted to. I wasn’t out there because I was drunk, maybe partially. But I did that at my own house.

Late at night, some nights. I just couldn’t sleep. So, I’d grab my iPod, take the fence if I was worried about waking my mom up. And just, dance in the street in front of my house. When my parents found out I did that, they told me to stop taking the fence. That it was okay if I needed to do that sometimes, but they thought I wanted to go out sooner. Not at like 2 am when sleep seemed impossible.

I’ve had nightmares for I don’t even know how long. They’ve been reoccurring dreams, typically the same thing. I can recall the major ones, they only happened about a dozen times each. I haven’t had many good dreams, just the nightmares that when I wake up, I wanted to cry, crawl in a hole, or just die, right there.

I always dreamt about flying, and at the end it was always me coming down to tell my mom about something in my life. Unable to tell her, ever. She’s too judgmental. And shows it. I had already hid everything away from her about my life. When previously, I told her about all the cute boys I liked and small things about my day. I just gave up. I didn’t want to tell her anything anymore. It would spread like wild fire. I couldn’t tell my sister anything either. It would get to my parents, always. ALWAYS! And, so I didn’t speak to anyone. Yet, I’d still do things we could tell my mom and just not my dad. It was frustrating dealing with what I couldn’t tell whom. Keep all that shit straight. Please. I beg of you. So much complication.

Men wanted me, for some reason. I totally dug it, just didn’t understand it. I wasn’t pretty or super skinny, I had really small tits. I was undesirable, I don’t know how I managed to get these guys. I thought they were all GORGEOUS. It was hard to pass up a face like that. They wanted to hang out with me, I’m sorry “Kick it”

I wanna know when that meant to have sex, why is that to have sex. I wanted to actually hang out and get to know any and all of these guys, they were dope. And I liked being around them, I shared some interests with them. Not that I could tell them that, I was still too shy. I can write my shit down, but I cannot say it. I could text you anything you need to know about what I’m gonna do, what I want to do. What I’ve done. Who I am. Ask me in person. My mind goes blank. Just. Stops. Who am I? Oh, wait. What was the question. My hearing played a role until this year, if others spoke at the same time. I didn’t catch that.

I just wish I had more to say in person. Why I’m always stuck in my own thoughts. I have a LOT to say. A FUCK TON! But, I can’t get it out, not when I’m with people. I get distracted. Lose train of thought. Can’t handle it. And Luke always stunned me, so trying to talk to him, HA, thats funny. Ironically enough, I still talk to him. Its easier to have a conversation now. And no one understands why I can’t let him go. Even though he knows what he did to me, everything he did to me, what he put me through. Who he sent to get at me. He sent his entire group of friends after me. The girls attacked me, emotionally, and the guys messed with me either teasing me, or going after me themselves, wanting to get a piece of that prize. I was the toy they tossed around.

My sister, she made a bet with a friend during my sophomore year. 2 classmates of theres were Luke’s friends. James and Steven. Steven, bleh. He was my first crush in elementary to be honest. I liked that I got to hang out with him, til I did it with him. Maaaaaan, then they made a bet that I was gonna see James next. That it was bound to happen, him after me, or me after him.

It didn’t happen. 🙂 And I won the bet.

My senior year, my 2 best friends made a bet with me. Which I won.  Speaking of, one of which hasn’t coughed up the cash, *cough cough* But they bet, sadly, that I’d have a pregnancy scare or actually just get pregnant by graduation. I didn’t really see anyone that year. Especially not when the bet was made. I went about my life though, ignoring the bet that was made, if I stayed good I’d be just fine and it’d be easy cash. I just had to make a choice and stick with it, which I didn’t… But I still won the bet. 😉

I slept with one new guy. WORST MISTAKE. That was my MASS drama in my senior year. On top of a bet about sex, sorta, I had gossip spread about being a liar and stalker. And it was supposed to be the best months. The last 5 months I was teased and bullied once more. Threatened to have my ass beat. So once again, I was kind of a shut in, or always with my friends. I couldn’t be alone walking home or anything. I had to wait it out somewhere safe, I wasn’t about to get my shit handed to me over my being a liar because I told the truth. Vultures. They told whomever they wanted, and I was glad my 3 closest friends knew and didn’t want to make me more of an outsider, and I was thankful we hung out with Chess club or Tea club inside a classroom. I spent my lunches indoors. I wanted to be a popular from day 1. I had the kinda personality that should’ve gone far, and I was a truly kind person. Why is it nice people are the ones treated like dirt? You have to be a jackass to be popular? Fucking ridiculous. High school is so stupid. I may send my kids to private school. I kinda hate the idea of sending kids anywhere. There will always be some fucking cunt to tear them down. Or if they are the little bitch doing the dumping they best not be in school dosing it out. Fuck. Future kids and I’m tripping. Fun stuff >.<

Like I said, Racing Thoughts. And. Of course. This is not it. Not at all. I don’t know when I’ll ever get it all. I wanted to die, just get the fuck out of this life. Not remember any of it, never happened because I won’t be here. Clearly no one will notice. My parents never knew anything about me anyways. No one will remember me, I was too quiet. I was too shy. I wasn’t good enough. Men didn’t like me for my personality. Did they even think I had one? I hated the disappointment and betrayal, and lies. I hated bullies, I hated sex, I hated life, but I made sure to keep living, why? Because I couldn’t do it. Because when I grabbed that stupid compass and scratched at myself, I knew life had more to offer. I wanted out. I was ready for the fight. I took it, I became numb, but I took it. I added more stress to my life because I was/ am addicted to men. I cannot get enough. Yet, it always sucks. Even the good guys, the ones that weren’t fantastic looking, but seemed to like me. Didn’t. I dated one guy for like 2 weeks, he said he was too busy for me. But then I found out he dumped me because his friends asked him to. And he did. I had multiple little baby relationships, but the firsts took awhile for me, with them, they didn’t go for it. I didn’t go for it, but we wanted to. So, I did nothing with those I “dated” and then I was dumped. And dumped. And dumped. And dumped.

No one wanted me but the men that tossed me around to there friends. Assholes.

Fucking Luke. Another flashback. I got invited over to hang out, actually hang out. Since he was with hella buds. I assumed a girl might be there. It was 5 guys and me. One was my ex, asleep, in another room, a guy that didn’t want me. :/ I didn’t know they were friends….

The other 4, Luke included. All were drunk, all were hitting on me. All grabbed my ass or slapped it at different times. I went to get into the car and they just placed there hands where I was supposed to sit, so they could cop a feel real quick. Shit like that kept happening. Then. We played a strange game… With 4 guys spread out through the house. I followed the bigger group, phone in hand. Receiving a text, come to this room. Where Luke was with James. And my sleeping ex? Great. Then Steven followed. He followed me like a puppy. Everywhere I went, he did. Luke dragged me around til he had me in a room alone after 3 rooms with another dude. lol A kiss and fat grope, whatever. Thats who I was there to see. Then back out to everyone else. My body was all floaty from it. Just, woooohooo. I got a rush around Luke. It was always so intense. Still is. :/ I saw him consistently, pretty much. Always in touch, and he was frequently burning at the river with friends, right behind my place. For some reason. The rest of that night is now gone. Blacked out. I don’t know what happened. If anything did. If I walked home or got a ride. I don’t remember. I don’t get to remember a lot. Stuff just kept happening to me, and slowly, they are just FLASHING right back into my mind. For a split second I remember EVERY detail, and can’t type it fast enough. I need to get it all out. All the bad, all the good. All the lame and fucked up. Gotta get it out, maybe organize it and make it my story, my novel. Making it through the world when you feel like a “Nothing”


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