Realizing

A new realization. Its so difficult to trust now. I can admit my past now, that it wasn’t all fun and games. That I did not want that. Ever.
Now, its so difficult to want to trust men. I keep assuming they view me like a toy. That thats all I’ll ever be.
In high school, I trusted those men. I openly trusted them. Just to be used and thrown away like a napkin or a toy.

I’m seeing someone new. Very unexpected, I thought I was just gonna live my life, and heal and adjust to my new independence. But that was very clearly not what was gonna happen. And I like him a lot already.
But that doesn’t change my trust issues. Its only made me realize I had trust issues. I need reassurance that who I am is okay, that I’m wanted and appreciated.
I still assume its just sexual, its just my looks, that he’ll disappear from my life like the rest. That I will once again not be good enough to keep.

My longest relationship, I was a great girlfriend, for the most part. I trusted him, though he did not trust me. I think he’s passed on that mistrust. He assumed I was cheating, always checking my phone and needing to know where I am. Yet he stole from me, disappeared when I needed him most. How am I supposed to forget that? 2 years of so much bullshit. Soooo much bullshit.
And the taunt of an engagement ring. I’m glad it wasn’t meant to be. He needs a lot of time to grow up and get his life in order. Get a job. A home. Better habits. Better memory. And a massive change in reliability.
I need reliability. Screw me over and expect me to stay, thats not how its supposed to be.
I don’t care if I buy my own stuff, just don’t flake on me when plans are arranged.
I do not need the self doubt.
It is NOT my fault. And I know this now.
Those guys were just fucking douche bags. And I let them walk all over me. No more. Not a chance.
I will have a good man in my life.

And I’m okay if I’ve happened to have just found him.

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