In the past couple of months I’ve gone through a thousand realizations. About my past, about my present, and about my future. I’ve just had another.
I’ve finally come out of my shell. I can admit that I was raped, and sexually abused multiple times, and emotionally even more so.
But my boss has a habit of talking about his other life. He is a Grand Master in a bunch of different fighting techniques. He teaches a class in another city, a self defense class. They discussed sexual abuse and wrote essays on what it means to them and if its effected them. He went on explaining that one girl admitted to having something happen from several years back, that at 20, like me, she admitted for the first time, that she didn’t even know it was assault. He’s going off about how can they not know. When I’m sitting here thinking. Please stop talking about it, please stop. I know it would be killer if I spat that out. He gave me pepper spray because he knows I need some kind of protection in downtown. I cannot protect myself. I’d totally freeze up if anything were to happen. I may have to take his class to learn how to react in a good way, in a defensive way. But its very difficult to discuss or hear. He can’t grasp whats wrong with these women, how they get themselves into these situations. Its sadly too easy to get into them, and generally difficult to get out. Especially if you trust whom you’re with.
You can still be raped and assaulted by those you care about. If you DO NOT want it, it is not consensual, this is a very new concept for me. VERY new.
Anyways, thats a difficult conversation to just take in when my boss feels like ranting. I deal, I manage. I’m thankful for my blog. But, I cannot tell him. I should tell him to chill, I can’t really handle hearing it. And he also says “Rape” to easily. He has to deal with women going through the struggle all the time. So, he tries to help them. But, I can’t really ask my boss to work through that with me, or to stop because then he’d know. HOLY CRAP that’s a lot of shame and guilt.
I really can’t tell him though. Its just very difficult. I needed to rant about it.
I’ve had this terrible habit all my life, I bite my finger nails when I’m nervous or upset about anything. Its often. And there has only been a couple times I remember having nails for more than a couple days. Stress free month that must have been.
But. I had little baby nails, now its awful. He really stressed me out when he brought that up. It REALLY upset me that he brought it up.