Memories

I hope our future generations one day figure out a way to make our memories come back into technicolor. That one day we’ll be able to pull our memories out somehow and see them once again. I’ve heard silly ideas on facebook, downloading your memories and dreams on a flash drive so they are viewable forever. That’d be nice.

How your memory works, why we forget things, how well you remember past events and conversations.

A key trigger is hidden in those conversations, ideas, plans, events, and all the small details. Some you remember more clearly than others. Some you block out all together remembering only whats good or whats bad.

I can recall more conversations about my forgetting about a specific plan or event and having my friends get upset because I had forgotten. I’m more frequently admitted to the side that forgets. So, when I remember something entirely perfect, it flashes back through my mind like a HD video. When I am correct, I’m assumed wrong. That my memory simply sucks and that I didn’t remember it correctly.

I don’t know all the different ways we remember or think about things. If others don’t see everything that happened when they think about the situation. If they watch it play out once again in such detail. If I don’t, I wish I had a photographic memory. To actually remember things entirely too specific.

I simply wish my memory was better.

Before this year I could remember only the good in everyone. It was hard to see any faults, I was able to delete them from my mind so easy. Since then I have seen more bad than good flash back into my mind. I blame post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

No matter whom I’m with, no matter where I’m going, generally even what I’m doing. I can easily be yanked from reality, forced to relive a past memory. Something I see catches my eye and suddenly I can’t hear anything, I only hear my thoughts racing, or the echos of a clear memory. Replaying it all, and then realizing. What’s happening? Where am I? Then I look around to see whomever I’m with, and hope they didn’t notice that I had been yanked somewhere else. Its not like I’m off in another world spacing out, just letting my mind wander. I could be having a conversation and just pass by something that just triggers it, and I’m gone. No warning, I didn’t purposefully want to relive it. Just remember. ” Oh, yeah?!” And then move on. It happens a lot at work, and some when I’m driving around with Aaron. Worse when I’m anywhere near my old neighborhood. I can’t be on lightrail out there. I get taken for a quick ride, out of my world, my reality.

I wish it would stop. I prefer having control over when I go back into my memories and relive them to the fullest extent of each event. Maybe it is a good idea to see my therapist once more. I’d like to get it out. I need to talk about my past more. I can’t have it interrupt my present as much as it does. I want to be able to enjoy all of the time I get with those I love and appreciate, I don’t want to be ripped away, feel the pain, embarrassment, disappointment, guilt, and feel like such a hideous person all the time.

Yesterday, I saw a new Degrassi episode. First I’ve seen in awhile. I don’t really enjoy all of the new people. Too many generations of teens, I guess its getting harder to find good actors and good lines for them. It was funny to hear the word “about,” its just more and more funny each time its said. But it made me realize why I miss and don’t miss the show. Its filled with the worst kinds of drama in school. It explains some that I’ve gone through and can’t bare to watch. And that we watch these kinds of shows that pull us into the reality of others misery. I’m very empathetic, and its only gotten progressively worse over the years. I just about died watching Battle Royale at the TFO this past summer. As much as I love the trash films, I shouldn’t have gone to that film festival. Not to see that movie.

I hate new epiphanies. I can’t handle scary shows and movies as much as I used to be able. And I’ll never be able to go into a haunted house. I may just get more and more frightened of them over the years til I can’t stand them, though I hope that NEVER happens. My assumption is that Aaron will get me back into my old ways of enjoying scary movies and hopefully even get me to go into a haunted house. I’d feel so terrible to tell my kids that I can’t even handle going into a haunted house.

Anyways, Degrassi. As I watched through both episodes, I kept finding random moments I wanted to get up and walk away. Degrassi is so packed with the worst drama that it makes the pit of my stomach burn. I won’t be going back, I’ve fallen for the shows like True Blood, and Bewitched. That the only drama Samantha has is silly things that go wrong that should be easily fixed, yet always go array through meddling with magic. True blood has intense drama but enough sex that its mostly just about the sexual tension between everyone. And thats preferred to the show that talks of rape on a regular basis, and everything that could ever go wrong for a young girl learning about life. I like True Blood, I think it keeps me more on the sane side. And it never hurts to dance the way I do to that intro 😛

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