Video

BDSM

I’ll start with my introduction to the BDSM world.

It started with my Aunt, she was the first to get into the scene with her now ex husband. They needed something to spark their relationship, and its just what she had been wanting.
She couldn’t get him into that scene, so they split eventually. And she’s happily married to her “Daddy” and she is “Daddy’s Little Girl.” Collared and everything in the most classy way possible. You would not know by how she looks or acts.
I love that a world like that can be hidden so easily.

She got my cousin into it, then my sister, then before 18 started to talk to me all about it. I went to a family party at the main lair. Bears lair. I got to meet everyone in the scene in a public friendly environment. These are the nicest people I’ve met, I’m happy to have met them all.
I knew after hearing about it that it wasn’t gonna be my scene. But after the family party, I turned 18 and a couple weeks later was invited to a real party at Bear’s lair. He has a no bra rule, I had to work around that. I wore a corset and some shorts.
Though I’ve never honestly spoken about this party… I was the newbie, so they wanted to pick on me..
They asked me to get on the Double X cross like thing, just to lean on it and relax.
I was flogged, with my Aunt in front of my face on the other side of the X, holding my hands to comfort me. I may have been smiling, but I started tearing up when he started, and he only lightly did it. It didn’t hurt at all. I just HATED it, it felt wrong and I was embarrassed. But I never told anyone that. My Aunt saw that I started to look more and more upset as he continued. He only flogged me another minute or so, and still not very hard at all. She asked him to stop, and I wasn’t touched or bothered the rest of the night.
I continued to watch and feel completely dreadful as the night went on. I was interested in others interest in it, I wanted to see it in their faces what they liked about any of these strange events. I had to leave the room when they pulled out the knives for knife play though. I could not do it. I enjoyed watching my Aunts friend have wax poured on his back, that was more on the cool side of the spectrum for me. I still didn’t enjoy any of it, and Id randomly disappear and just need a minute away from it all. In a vanilla setting. I am very VERY vanilla.

And that was my experience with BDSM. I haven’t been to another party. I have never experienced “Play” time with anyone. I am not into any majorly kinky stuff.

My sisters first love was into the scene, how they met, he came over once and as a double date evening with them. Pat, my sisters boyfriend, he had me bound with rope, so my at the time bf Cody could drag me around like a dog. Immediately after he started to put the ropes on, I was uncomfortable. When he finished, he yanked me one way then the other. I begged for them off, claustrophobic, having a panic attack, and I felt like I was a thing. Just a toy for men to play with.
My sister unbound me, but I could never go back. I can’t handle being held in any position for any reason, by ropes or physically being held down. Never.

The subject came to mind this morning when I received a new email from a site I made a profile on, Fetlife. Its a picture of me when I was 17 and it has nothing on it. Its completely blank and I hadn’t gotten an email from the site in months, maybe a year. Yet, someone had requested to be my friend.

I clicked into it, and that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach came. I don’t want anything to do with this site. I had 5 new messages, 6 new friend requests, and 2 notifications of comments on my ONE picture.
I read all the messages, generally simple, which I’m thankful for.
Stuff like, ” You’re adorable I want to get to know you.” “You’re gorgeous, what does it take to have play time with you?”

And a few hello’s.

I still feel gross, like I’m going to be sick. I want to cover my body, run in the dark, cry up a storm.
I feel that way about any site like that, and I feel fucking GROSS for having a page at all. The other pages are filled with people doing their favorite kinky past times. And since I’ve only seen about 2 hours of porn all together in my life. It wasn’t a site I could stay on for more than about a minute. FetLife is not for me. I do not want a play partner. I am not a top, I am not a sub. I am not your “Daddy’s little girl.”
But thank you for being you. Just leave me out of it.

I felt that way about dating websites too, or the site “MeetMe,” the old Myyearbook.
My best friend made me a profile on OkCupid while I was dating Beau, when he was terrible for me. When she knew what was about to happen. I argued the whole time. She put that on my page, too. That she made it.
I talked to a few people eventually. But I never liked the idea. I hated strangers. I hide myself from the public when i’m IN public, I keep my headphones in hiding away. “Please don’t talk to me, you can look, but please don’t come up to me, don’t try talking to me, I just want to be alone” This is never true, I do not want to be alone. But I hate strangers. So, thats a fun fact. I only meet the men I like through my friends. I’d rather be single, if not through my friends.

I don’t have an OkCupid account anymore, or a MeetMe. I hated receiving messages like those. On both sites my shit blew up ALL the time, and made me choke up, feel guilty and ashamed.
I feel guilty and ashamed saying this. I just hated talking to them. I may be more open online, but I’ve been burned enough to want to stray.
I am paranoid of the internet sites like those. I will die meeting someone from a site like that. So. I can’t do it. I can never have anything like that.
I’m SO thankful to have found Aaron the way I prefer to, through my friend Lisa and her hubby Robert.

Today is the last time I’m gonna look at my FetLife. I’m actually deleting it this time, not just ignoring its existence til I receive another email to make me feel like crap. As curious as I am to be a part of something, that community is just not what I’m looking for.
Though I’m glad I’ve had the chance to experience BDSM, I’m just not into any of it.

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