Gratification and Disappointment

That gratifying moment, when you graduated High School, you spent 4 years in a prison of idiots and assholes. You made it. You passed all the tests you needed, you finished the projects that were pass or fail. You handled the drama and the bullshit from the peers around you. That is pure gratification. The goose bumps that ran across my skin as I walked towards the football field with my class. That felt amazing. When I finished crossing the stage with my diploma in hand, I felt like a star shining so bright.

That was the last time I got something that felt gratifying. I have gotten each of my jobs (except Blimpies) through someone else.

I have been given a lot of hand outs over the years. I have taken money for granted, I get anything I want with the job that I have. Everything I could need/want, except a car.

Today, a deal arose, I was given the chance to get what I wanted most but can’t motivate myself enough to save. I heard the car keys calling me, until I found out it was a manual. I felt the high hopes, the excitement and joy, to feel simply crushed to hear, manual.

I never wanted to learn manual, ever. I still don’t, really. I love driving, and enjoying it, relaxing, I’m no speed racer, I do not need a manual for ANY reason. It will do nothing for me. It’ll just piss me off like its doing now.

I am very disappointed, but not because I didn’t get a car. Because I let myself have such high hopes in getting one. That I let the idea of a road trip slip through my mind, looking forward to a long drive, the idea that I was going to see my beautiful best friend sooner than I had originally thought. I felt the happiness I was going to feel when I got to see her.

I know I can live without a car, I will do just fine. I’ve been doing fine. I just don’t like the tease of such a miracle.

I’ll do what I had planned. No high mileage low cost car for me, I will save for the car I actually want to drive.

I will save for an automatic I’ll call my own. The car that says something about me, not that I just didn’t feel like saving. I may be young, which is more the point than the problem.

I’ll wait, and I’ll get the gratification I want when I buy my car with low mileage for up to $20,000. 

I’m not willing to spend a small amount to watch it die the next week, or spend the next several years getting it into what I’d call “good” condition. I am not the most patient person, and I have sadly gotten used to things given to me, but I will do this. I will wait til I can have a car that makes sense. I never want a ghetto vehicle thats easy to break into, I don’t want a car I have to park downtown.

I’ve tried not to think about buying a car, I’ve never let myself get as excited as I did today. I know I’d like to own a car by the years end, but I also know that’s more than likely not gonna happen. Maybe next years taxes. Maybe if I move in with Aaron my expenses will shift, and instead of blowing the 550 for the apartment I’m not using, I can put it towards whatever bills and part rent Aaron would like, and actually start my saving. But, I’d need a car to get downtown each day.

Its confusing as shit. I don’t have a clue what I want to do, what I’d like to do, or what I’m going to do. All I know is that I’m in a terrible mood because of it.

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