Motherhood

When I think about what it would take, not only to conceive but what it takes to have a child, to raise a child, to love YOUR child. I think about what I have to give up.

I want to be a mother, I am going to be a mother in a couple short years, I always thought it’d be me. I’d have my child, and soon my husband would go back to work, and I’d stay awhile. That will not be for Aaron and I.

I will go back to work, and one day soon, I’ll fully accept that. Our first child, I will not see every first. I will not see every smile, I will not change every diaper.  And for the first time, I actually feel a partnership building, its not one sided, it was so very one sided in the past, its weird having any responsibility lifted, I will not spend every moment with my child. I’ll be here, at work, 9 hours a day, I’ll be away from my child, til they can join the day care downstairs. Which I will not do til its been discussed and decided when that time actually comes. Aaron will stay at home with our newborn child, taking care of him/her while I work and earn the money we’ll need. I’ll come home after a long day of no hard work, get cleaning and hang out with my child as he cooks our dinner, I’ll tidy the place or entertain the babe. Our life would be magical, he’d go to bed early, as I stay up and get the laundry started.

I wouldn’t mind the shift in responsibilities, if he stays with the baby, he gets the cleaning and the errands, I’ll do the laundry and the money making and absolutely relieve Daddy duties. I’m so thankful my job doesn’t overly stress me out, and may never do so. If only I could earn just a bit more.

I’ve started to think about what else I’d be giving up, to be the working mother, to be a young mother.

I’ll be giving up the long drives with the stereo cranked, for random drives with calming music, to get a sleepy and/or grumpy baby to relax and fall asleep, Aaron’s hand in mine.

I’ll be giving up marijuana, mostly, though not entirely, meaning my memory would be clearer, my baby would sparkle and I’ll be more alert to his/her cry.

I’ll be giving up Chases’ ability to have babies, getting her fixed so she won’t be jealous of the baby or make those awful cries when she goes into heat. She will be our lap cat, our spoiled princess, and she will love my child.

I’ll be giving up sleep, lots and lots of sleep, if we can figure it out, it won’t be so awful, we may luck out with a perfect sleeping child, or that we as parents can figure out our own schedule, like I’ve seen Lisa and Robert sum up. They have a perfectly cute little set up, she sometimes gets grumpy or overly tired, but she stays with the baby all day. That’d be switched up, which I don’t entirely mind. I’ll still get my baby, and I already see a schedule manageable as is.

It is absolutely too easy to picture with this man. Aaron is absolutely, positively, everything I could ever want in a man, my future husband, the father of my unborn child, the love of my life.

I’ll be giving up my dermals, for my stripes, and I’ll wear them proud. My caffeine, my skinny jeans, my crazy hair colors, roller coasters for a few years probably, my personal privacy will forever be gone, my body seen publicly by many doctors, nurses, and family members.

I’ll be giving up my tiny, finally perfected body, and I’ll have achieved my literal life long dream of becoming a mother, carrying our child. Celebrating every mile stone, every first, every moment, every giggle and squawk.

I am not giving up marijuana today, I am not giving up my birth control pills today, I’d simply like to make the point. I’ve thought about what it will take, what I’d be giving up, to have our child. Though I will not give it up today, I want to prepare myself for the day I find out I’m carrying our child.

 

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