Miserable

Days when you can’t feel comfortable in your own skin, are the worst. When you just feel tiny, ugly, and unneeded. For me, the moments come to often, the past couple weeks I’ve felt so miserable because of my allergies, unable to laugh off a joke or joking criticism about me. I just can’t take a joke. I haven’t been able to BREATHE in 2 weeks, my allergies are quite literally drowning me, and I have no idea what to do.

I find it ironic, each day I feel more and more attraction towards my amazing guy, I feel less and less attractive to him. How could someone want to kiss someone that looks this dreadful. 😦

I grew up needing to become the woman every man should be lucky to have. I wanted a man to be proud to call me his. Yes, I do think like that, and yes, I do need the reassurance.

I’ve come to find a love in housewife chores, and getting dolled up, and staying thin. I know in today’s society we’re more accepting of each other, and that everybody weighs quite a bit more than the generation I fell in love with. But I still like the idea of being old fashioned, that the woman is to please the man.

Well, I don’t feel I can do so right now, all I’m able to think about is how horrible I look, and how much my allergies are effecting my ability to do anything, at all. I can’t be in a car with the windows down. Can’t go outside, at all. Allergy medications haven’t been working. My eyes are dry and itchy, my nose sore from the swelling and wiping with tissues. I can’t even kiss him without feeling self conscious. Each night I crawl into bed so grumpy, hoping I don’t snore and keep him up, hoping I’ll be able to breathe through my nose sometime soon, just for a little while, let me feel better. Let me just be with him without feeling so gross. I’ll never get passed a single kiss as long as I feel like I’m dying.

FUCK allergy season. I am so very looking forward to my doctors appointment tomorrow to end my misery and get back to simply being with him again, and focusing on ANYTHING else for awhile. Each day its made me feel more and more depressed, and gross. I just want to be happy again, I hate this torturous never ending cycle of allergies, tears falling because of my allergies, making me cry, and crying more because all of the symptoms worsened because I started crying. I need this to stop. Now.

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