Lets get into it.

I remember my first sex ed class, my first introduction to the world of sexual interactions. I had heard nothing previously. I think I had caught an hour or so of porn, but had no one discuss it with me, previously.

So, there I was. First, they went over a bunch of information I cared nothing for, I was in the 7th grade, I hadn’t had a real kiss yet let alone any alone time with a boy. They scared me shitless to be alone with, I wasn’t ready for anything. I didn’t know anything.

Anyways, 7th grade. I sat in my Science class, towards the back, after they went over info I didn’t pay any attention too, safe sex, condoms, maybe they brought out fruit and I didn’t care to remember. I remember being embarrassed just being there. Until the fun part came. They put up signs in the room. Kissing, without tongue. Kissing, with tongue. Top being felt up. Bottom half being felt up. Oral. And then finally. Sex.

So, these posters scattered in the room. We were told, “I’m going to ask ask you to think about your kids one day, at what age would you let them do so and so” At 15 how far would you allow your children.

I’ll let you know now, I had no idea what Oral was, or what it meant to be felt up or what it felt like. My opinion has changed since I first gave this thought in the 7th grade.

I let my children go too far at too young of an age, because I didn’t know. I’d walk to the higher of the few, allowing my children the freedom to do as they please for the most part. Up to Oral, and no further til like 17 I think I said. I think I permitted my 15 year old to do whatever the fuck she wanted though. I didn’t give a shit in the 7th grade, just hung out at Oral or the bottom half posters. I was ridiculously cool about it. But I didn’t have a fucking clue.

Plan B has been released for ladies as young as 15 to get it with almost no problems. This is wrong. I’ll admit, I got one of those boxes free to me when my highschools planned parenthood gave me a few months of birth control pills, but I didn’t use it then. I never had to use it in HS. I slept around with one guy at a time, but switching guys frequently, I had a lot of terrible sex none the less, in which I could’ve been stupid. But I wasn’t. I was on the pill and they almost always used condoms. Which, I’m lucky I didn’t get anything ever. I was checked often enough and so were the guys I saw. (Almost called them men, they weren’t men)

I have since used Plan B, but I was over the age of 18, and it wasn’t quite necessary, I just didn’t want a scare later down the road, we were broke and living on our own.

I didn’t think it was right I was able to have that pill at such a young age, I don’t think we should have anymore moms at 16, but I don’t think we should give them easier access to a pill, so they think its okay what they’re doing. You’re 15! You should be worrying about your acne, grades, changing body, adjusting weight, changing personality, growing up, learning more about yourself, trying not to hate your parents, trying not to hate life, just fucking enjoy time with your friends and enjoy looking at all the adorable boys, and think of them as boys. Dumb bitches.

I lost my virginity at 15, yes. And, I actually think it was dumb. I didn’t then, but I know now. I was denying it. I hated it all, and I was just being stubborn and refusing to admit fault, I had to keep going. Prove I was in fact ready for it. Prove I wasn’t a kid anymore. Prove I was becoming a woman.

I wasn’t. I was still a little girl, getting fucked by boys that thought they were tough and cool.

I do not want my daughter to make that same mistake, I do not want my friends daughters to think they’re ready. I don’t want them to think its okay, that Plan B is there for them when it shouldn’t be happening at all. They shouldn’t be doing anything if they are going to make such an expensive mistake. I believe its your own choice, but I just wish I had known when I decided to change up my life. My sweet, innocent little life. Filled with refusal of all things illegal or bad, refusal to disobey. I think about it all the time, what would’ve happened if I didn’t meet Luke, or at least didn’t ask him to come over. Would I have been a better person? Would I have been someones girl friend throughout HS? Would I have wanted to wait?

He fucked me up. I’ve confessed to him, what he did. All that he did. And he’s apologized many times over the past couple years, and since then, I’ve stopped speaking or seeing him. But yes, the guy that started it all, stayed in my life longer than any person I’ve ever been friends with. I knew him the longest. I always thought it’d be him that’d come around and view me differently. I never thought it’d be reversed, that I’d be able to move on, and want to despise him. He was a terrible person in HS, and he’s entirely changed since, but I want nothing to do with him, ever again.

I’m a bit of a hypocrite. I know, I believe in pro choice, I believe a 15 year old should be able to decide if they keep the fetus they carry. But, I don’t think they should have the choice to quickly “fix” the mistake they just made. Retards should’ve worn a condom or not fucking done it. Make your decision and live with it. And no religion card can be pulled, ” I can’t get an abortion later, I don’t believe in them” but you believe in being stupid and not caring when you had sex. No, that’s not right, madame. I had sex, a lot. And I never had any scares, I got on the pill after the FIRST time. I was responsible, always. BE RESPONSIBLE if you’re going to have SEX!

I still don’t think anyone under 18 should be permitted to buy a pill for a costly mistake. Over 18, you could actually have bigger problems in life. Or your memory sucks, or your between Doctors. Mostly, it’d just be nice if everyone would just take responsibility into there own hands and not need such a drastic back up. That pill only works for the ONE time of unprotected sex, just so you know. You can’t have sex a fuck ton then take it, you’ll still get pregnant, I’ve seen it.

I just can’t handle the idea that my baby girl will be able to do as she pleases, not deal with consequences, and she’ll be able to do so at a very very young age. I’ve heard that its younger than I thought. There are girls getting down and dirty in middle school, still have baby faces, baby fat, braces(maybe?), first doses of acne, first period, and having sex with little boys just learning what they’re body is capable of doing. And probably badly.

This is wrong. And I know its not stopping, it only makes me reconsider having children. Which reminds me.

Have you seen, ‘This is 40’? Run off from Knocked Up.

I saw it last night with Aaron, though I appreciate how realistic it is, how blunt they are about the daily bullshit of parents with little ones. That did not make me want to have his baby for like, 5 to 10 years. I suddenly wanted to stop thinking about kids, though they still love and adore their children, still love each other. Their kids make them go insane, major invasion of privacy, and her older daughter is a fucking bitch. At like 14, she’s the biggest brat on the planet, and cursing up a fucking storm. Though she’s a good student, a generally good girl, no major rebellion, just attitude, attitude, attitude. Treats her little sister like shit, and doesn’t respect her parents.

 

I saw my family in the movie. I saw me and my sister how we acted growing up, almost to a tee it described me and my sister. It was kind of dreadful to watch, having kids means you have to deal with the issues you gave your own parents at one point.

I hadn’t thought about 20 years from now, when my 2nd child is in HS. When I’m 40, what I’ll still be dealing with as a mother. I had thought about having a baby, an infant, a toddler, to a young child. I have not given thought past the age of 7 years old.

Oh fuck.. what did I say I wanted?

No one tells you about how to handle teens, you just have to figure it out on your own. See how well you raised them.

PLEASE! PLEASE!!!! Let our child be sane. Give me the strength I’ll need to understand them, to be calm with them, to still respect and appreciate them. Please, just give me children with common sense and a reliable gut instinct like I was raised with. And pleaseeeee let me be able to have a damn sex talk before its too late and I’m a grandmother at 36.

The road ahead makes me nervous, I’m just hoping Aaron and I can handle it together. That our kids don’t tear us apart like they seem to do to others, that we can still remember each other at the end of each day. That he still comes first, above my children, above myself until the day I die.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s