Triggers. They suck.
Aaron and I were watching ‘Alphas’ last night, Nina can push. She can catch your attention when you look her in the eye, then she can make you confess to whatever or she can push you to do anything she wants you to do, “Officer, you’re going to take that ticket, and eat it.”
She pushed a woman, a woman unable to remember things that have happened, or how she learned how to do whatever it was she learned how to do, her strange ability. She could learn something, anything, not remember learning it, but know how to do so for a month. Then its forgotten. Nina pushed this woman to remember any memory at all that wouldn’t come forward, started to push the memory out.
Aaron and I spoke about it briefly, its amazing she can push someone and pull out a memory. Its amazing that she can pull out a memory based on a trigger, that smell, that distinctive smell will bring the memory snapping back.
Triggers. Some small fact about the scene, something you smelled, saw, touched, or heard.
My trigger today, well, let me explain.
I have my own blog diary, its entirely private, and today I wrote about a minor issue I’m working on, kissing less. Especially when drunk.
It got me thinking about french kissing, that ironically I wore my “I heart french kissing,” panties today. I don’t. It scares me, honestly.
I can’t manage to BREATHE close to someone, I’m lucky I’m able to kiss at all. I’ve become SO self conscious over the years.
My first kiss, my VERY first kiss, I didn’t want it. It made me realize I didn’t want him, not like that. I had never kissed a boy. So, in the 5th grade, when my boyfriend of probably a month kissed me in front of his porch in front of our mutual friend Katy. I was stunned. So, I made up some excuse and went home, immediately. He didn’t shove his tongue down my throat, but when he kissed me my nostrils opened and I smelled a cologne that smelled wretched. Him and his house smelled like that. But, I just never opened my nose to smell, I had a terrible sense of smell anyways.
I’ve had more bad experiences.
I had managed to go most of my preteen maturing to teen years without it. I didn’t kiss at all until my sophomore year came. Not until Luke did I kiss many guys. Probably 2 all together. If I even kissed my 7th grade boyfriend at all, which I don’t recall anything at all about. Just that I once knew those men.
Luke never tried to use tongue, kept it simple, probably because I did.
I had stopped seeing him, and I was going to Church and still kind of hating life without Luke being mine. My 7th grade boyfriend somehow ended up going to that same Church. So I kept going back to see him. We started talking, like we may date, didn’t do anything, though he tried, at Church in the parking lot >.<
I skipped swim practice one day, and went to his house and hung out with him. I had my first make out session, he kinda taught me how to do it a little, but mostly went with it. I thought it was fantastic, I was on top of the world after that, ran back to school to get picked up. I just felt amazing. Until the next day.
I came into my French class, to find my friend Katie, a year younger than me and great friends with my 7th grade ex Chris. She claimed he had told her about yesterday, that he said ” I thought she was trying to eat my face”
I didn’t speak to him again, and I became close with her. Come to find out a few months later when he tried to talk to me again, he had never said that, he was never a mean dude, and wasn’t very close with this woman like she led me to believe.
She simply lied to me to make me feel bad about myself. Maybe I had bragged about Luke, not having explained to anyone what he was really doing to me.
I didn’t use tongue again. Not until after I graduated HS, and I was falling for my virgin boyfriend of a couple of months, and even then I wouldn’t do so often. I had been told something too drastic. Whether it was true or not, at one point I DID believe it, and thats whats messed me up. Or that my family would comment on my terrible breath. Fuck it, I’m just never using tongue or breathing near someones nose. Its not worth my embarrassment. I couldn’t handle the taunting before, and I can’t handle it now.
So, today I’m living with the fact that I just can’t do it. I’ve been with Aaron over a month and I’ve opened my mouth and attempted to try it again, only once. One time in which I’m sure it was terrible since as I started, I realized and FREAKED. I stopped using tongue and felt better and was able to proceed further, but if I hadn’t stopped I would’ve stopped him and needed to walk out of the room.
Its quite a load of bullshit I can’t talk myself into not giving a fuck, for just a minute. ONE MINUTE. Please. Just, allow my guard to come down.
It doesn’t help… For me, anything you say about the way that I smell or look, freaks me out. I grew up with a darker area in my underarms, made it look like I hadn’t shaved, even when I had. I was just super dark and looked hairy.
Don’t point out when it looks like I haven’t shaved.
He said “Sometimes you smell, sometimes I do, its whatever”
Its not, I don’t have a good nose, so I’ll never ever care. Even if you smell like a hobo, I may never know. That’d be gross, but I’d never know.
If I smell, I don’t get to know, so I shower daily, use soap that smells wonderful. I demanded braces so my teeth couldn’t stash food in those stupid crooked areas. I brush my teeth multiple times a day to make sure my breath doesn’t smell when I kiss you with my mouth CLOSED. I have to brush my teeth, and use mouth wash, and maybe brush them agian to think I’d be capable of opening my mouth just ONCE.
I’m frightened of french kissing. I wish it would stop, its not about the germs, its not because you smell, its because I’m too afraid I do, and that I’m going to “eat your face” if I actually happen to get into it ever again.
How often does the average person french kiss? Am I far off? Or is it normal, you don’t do it all that often. Do others worry like I do, or do I have yet another problem I’ve got to figure out.
Fuck, I just wish I could stop caring enough to use tongue, be totally willing to burp or fart in front of others. No, I can’t embarrass myself. I can’t take the guilt, the shame that comes with being a human. I cannot just, not give a fuck. But, why the fuck not? I don’t give a flying fuck who see’s me dance or who hears me scream or laugh at whatever. I can handle the good parts of not caring about what others think. But, its more personal, an odor is not something I handle well. Don’t even get me started on that of the sexual nature, the thoughts that flow at the idea of a man going down on me.
Fuck it.. Not worth it. Maybe another post?