Brace yourself, My wedding.

I’ve got a Pinterest account for taking up the rest of my time at work. I frequently have nothing to do. So my mind wanders between what I want to read about, pictures I want to see, ideas yet to be revealed, research to do. Lots I can do to keep busy. 🙂

Today, I went on pinterest after looking at vintage posts on WordPress. After a few simple searches and repins here and there. I came across a vintage style wedding dress. Then came my search for my perfect wedding dress since I’ve drawn, redrawn, scratched it out, drew another all together, tweaking it then just starting all over again.

So why did looking at all these gorgeous wedding dresses suddenly turn me off?

I have 2 tattoos that I haven’t decided if I’d hide them or not.

I want to hide my fleur de lis. And flaunt my rose. But. Dresses don’t work like that.

Becoming bitter thinking about having to hide my tattoos, the fact that I want to, just for my wedding.

It makes me not want one. Not want a gorgeous dress. Not want a wedding.

I want to skip the theatrics.

I have absolutely no reason to look or even think of dresses, but I was looking at photos, pins, not sites ready to sell me the dress of my dreams.

I have no dress in mind now. I’m sure I’ll look unappealing after a child. Its a dream that’ll never come true.

I most definitely don’t want a big wedding, or maybe not even a wedding. I’ll never get what I want.

I did not think about it when I got my tattoos, what it would be like to see them when I walk down that aisle, sure, not awful.. But, based on who I’m with, I just don’t want to have to deal with them or a post baby belly distracting from the dress. Its depressing to think about it this way, I know.

I understand a wedding is about two lives becoming one in a romantic, beautiful and public way. But its also about the long stride the bride makes in, she makes the show, she has to look the best out of everyone. What happens if I can’t feel my best? Can’t feel attractive.

I don’t do well when I’m being watched.. Worse when I feel terrible, and think of the nerves just beforehand. Weddings are stressful enough, its a wonder that not every bride becomes bridezilla…..

I don’t want to be bridezilla, and I don’t want to get so nervous and stressed I’ll fall ill.

Maybe this is why I never dreamed of my wedding. I dreamt of a sweet 16, all about me, and involved way more dancing. So when I think of my wedding, I think of stress, and dread, and the cost of it all.

And its ridiculous. I keep flip flopping in my mind the idea of simply eloping and inviting a handful of friends to join us not even informing our folks. Or, a not so simple wedding that involves everyone we know. Some backyard, church or park.

Maybe its because I’m so young, maybe its from the lack of weddings I’ve been to, I only know what I’ve seen. And that every event I plan slips through the cracks and I despise myself by the end of it.

Can’t be the lack of motivation, its the lack of people that care. No one cared about the plans I make. I don’t want my wedding to be another of those disappointments.

Thats it.. I don’t want a wedding. At all.

No expensive dress.

No flowers.

No invites.

No seating arrangements.

No unrehearsed bullshit.

No public Wedding.

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