Its under the category of topics I don’t discuss or admit it exists.
- Odors (bad breath, farts, poo)
- Bodily Functions(burping, farting, poo)
- A womans period
All of which I do not discuss or admit to doing. It happens everyday, every city, yet I still won’t talk about it openly. It does not exist in my happy world.
But we all know that isn’t true.
I read a blog Cappy wrote, she explained how she feels, embarrassed by our periods.
I’ve never gone into a store and bought tampons without blushing, don’t even ask me to pick up a pregnancy test or condoms, I’ll look like I just ran a few miles as fast as I could before getting to the check out…. Its happened… The test wasn’t even for me.. But I still get REALLY red.
I’ve recently brought up that I wanted to get an IUD since I’m terrible with pills but we don’t want to have a baby for a year or so. Well, it was like beginning natural labor. Contractions, the WORST cramps I’ve ever had, the cramps have continued into today. 3 days of cramps now. And Friday I thought I was going to give birth to my IUD.
That was the first time I openly discussed that, and got no feedback. Its birth control. What did I expect.
I don’t remember being a child, whether or not someone explained what was going to happen when I got my first period.
It was devastating when it happened, though.
I woke up late, was scrambling to get ready to go to my first trip to Fleming Lodge, a girl scout camp I’d heard so much about but was previously too young, but I had just finished 6th grade, I was going to Movin’ On Up.
But I hopped in the shower quickly tossing my clothes to the floor not checking anything, I was young, I didn’t think I needed to check my panties…
My mom came to tell me to hurry, and made a big fuss, screaming “Why didn’t you tell me?!”
I said “Tell you what?”
Followed by her opening the sliding door and showing my blood stained underwear……
Oh good god.
I fell to the floor crying as she ran out of the room announcing it to the house.
I wasn’t upset by her announcement. Just upset I got it, I was super, SUPER emotional the rest of the weekend, having to wear a thick, long, overnight pad the whole time.
To find out later I couldn’t fit tampons until the first time I had sex, then became allergic to regular pads, isn’t that awesome?
I do want to know why it was ingrained in me, not to discuss what comes so natural to us all, even our menstrual cycle, why every single woman on the planet has to deal with it, but its still taboo, still something we aren’t allowed to openly discuss. I’m not allowed to grab a tampon from my purse without feeling judged. I can’t admit to it, that thats why I’m crazy.
But we allow others to say ” You’re on your period, thats why you’re crazy” shit like that occurs, its just your period. Whether it is or not. Why is it thats the only time someone can talk about it.
Its so embarrassing to ask another woman for a tampon or pad, we say feminine needs or other code words or hints.
A topic I’ve NEVER been comfortable with, more so than my menstrual cycle.
For some reason, I keep reading, and hearing about it being something we all do? We ALL do. Not just guys, and not just the horniest of girls. Why was I the last to hear that?
It was something you didn’t do when I was growing up, or so I was led to believe. Same with Porn, thats a big no no.
Let me tell you about where it all went wrong for me. My most embarrassing moments that let me to believe it was wrong, immoral, stupid, not something everyone did, something you should be embarrassed about. I dread this, just so you know.
I was young, like 8 or 9. We had just gotten Dish(cable) I wanna say, recently got bunk beds in the new house. Sharing a room with my older brat of a sister. Because we had recently gotten a new cable company, we got the promo package, which included a few free months with certain special channels.
My sister came across them eventually, I didn’t mind, I was young and didn’t know.
We watched often, me on my bed, her on hers. I’d fall asleep to it since I didn’t stay up crazy late. I’d roll over and cover my face with a pillow.
One day after awhile of watching, I took a regular shower, like any other day, but didn’t feel like immediately getting dressed, instead laying in bed with my towel.
I never had thought of it before, never wanted to, but I had the room to myself and I was all warm under my covers.
Just to have my siblings storm into the room in a fight, or playing around, dunno, don’t remember.
But, one thing led to another and they wanted me to get up and go do whatever. She tried to take my blanket from me. Of course I had stopped, but I was naked, what the fuck.
She finally got my blanket off, made fun of me, then ran out of the room.
I never did anything again. It had become wrong. Something you’re not supposed to do.
So for years and years its been something I won’t do. Something I couldn’t do. Something simply wrong.
So why do I keep hearing “sex gets better when you do”?
“Couples do it in front of each other, as something they enjoy”?
Sex is not bad, and should be talked about openly.
Masturbation is apparently lovely, should be done by all and highly spoken about. So why can’t I do it?
In high school, I was able to discuss sex more openly with some of my closer friends, ironically Ana was not a friend I could talk about sex with, to this day we still mostly don’t…. I’ve got a story to tell though…
I was able to discuss tid bits and some details and some embarrassing moments to one good friend (Brooke) and one not so good friend (Katie) who later turned out to be a backstabbing bitch(mentioned in another post.)
Typically, I don’t remember sharing too much unless it was with them, otherwise I would have to worry about anyone publicly asking questions.
I care about what others think of me, forever will, and I’ve changed many colors over the years based on many subjects brought up.
Enough questions asked, and I back tracked, and was no longer able to discuss sex openly, to this day I still can’t.
But I’m working on it…
Ana and I, from my recent visit. My story, my silly story.
We’ve talked about how we can’t discuss sex, many times its come up, and we both turn bright red. That’d be our minds telling us its a bad topic to discuss.
Well, while I was there, it came up, once more it came up.
Let me say this first, not everyone that watches porn has the intent to masturbate, and that not everyone watches porn, let alone is okay with it.
I am okay with it, I’ve appreciated it from the first time I watched it til now. I don’t mind it, and I don’t mind if you watch it. Go on with your bad self.
I hadn’t gone out of my way to view it, look it up, or watch any. I didn’t have a lap top, computer or tv to watch it. So mostly I’ve gone my life without it, besides on very rare occasions and absolute terrible timing.
Like this one.
On my trip in Portland, my visit with my best friend, I had just been told by my doc to abstain from sex until I got my IUD when I return from my trip, so my last weekend with Aaron, we abstained,
So, off I went on a trip to see my best friend, the longest time I’d have to go without him. I can recall my trip up, already missing him, already craving him.
I have insomnia, and its worse when its actually uncomfortable to sleep. Its already uncomfortable to sleep in someone else’s home, especially on the fl0or.
I stayed up, trying to keep busy, smoke, play with the cats, google, go on facebook, go on my blog, followed by the first time I looked up porn. I literally searched the word “Porn.”
My search was brief, but enough to understand what I was looking for, and what I liked to see, but I’m a respectful girl, I watched, I didn’t do anything in their living room, not at all my style, so far.
Went to bed, without thinking. I had smoked far too much by then.
I woke up to Ana asking to use my phone to look up a recipe for French Toast… I gave her my phone, she tapped away, and made a funny noise, then a loud sort of squeal.
“What is this? Were you watching Porn on your phone? Wake up, we have to discuss this. We’ve never talked about it, but we have to now. BRADY! Rachel was watching Porn!”
I was congratulated by them both, I’m sure my face was red.
But hey, at least we were open about it.
” Good you looked up the right stuff” – her response later.
Geez. Porn. Its just sex, just fake sex, nakedness, sweaty generally attractive people having normal to crazy sex or lesbian-ness.
I don’t understand why some women refuse to allow their husbands or boyfriends to watch it, why not? I mean, they can’t be sleeping with someone else if they’re simply watching it, they may not want those women, and more than likely don’t… They’ve got you, but you don’t go out of your way to make them hot, make them feel hot, and sometimes you don’t want them and they gotta finish somehow.
Women don’t need something physical to get off like men do. We just like it sometimes.
Since then, I’ve considered possibly one day buying some, something for us, maybe something just for either one of us. 😉
What a way to start my week…
Now, go on with your bad self! 😛