Big 21

I had decided to spoil myself. I had saved up some money, stashing away whatever I didn’t use that week into my piggy bank, had been saving for weeks, something over a month. I had saved just over 100. And I ended up splurging more and spending just over 150. That included 2 full outfits, and sandals for each.

To start my birthday, I had a dentist appointment, a cleaning, and I’d be getting my retainer finally… They found 3 cavities, (I hadn’t had a cavity in over 5 years) needless to say, I was extremely disappointed. And that meant I’d have a drill in my mouth soon enough. They asked me to come back, on my birthday, an hour and a half later. I obliged and asked my dad to go out to lunch sometime after… Until he let me know I’d have a numb mouth, so I rescheduled for the next day, got my toes done and had lunch at Boston Market. Nothing fancy, I just really wanted Boston Market(had been craving it for almost a year) but I barely ate, my stomach is too small especially if I don’t get to smoke before eating.

I got to wear pin stripe high rise shorts, a black crochet bra-let under a coral see through top with these black sandals that look simply darling. I felt awesome. Completely amazing running my few errands, having my new retainer, getting my toes all pretty, and getting my favorite potato salad.

Skipping forward. I’m a lite weight. Like. An EXTREME lite weight.

I drank a mixed beverage, felt pretty drunk, took a walk and smoked a bowl and managed to sober and get hungry for food. Then I got all dolled up. Lisa did my hair and my make up for the most part, and I wore my new leopard print maxi skirt with this black vest and tan sandals. I felt like Robyn in the later years of How I met your Mother, because my hair is so short. I have a semi grown out A line, and its longest length is almost to my shoulders. My hair bounced up in curls, and I felt pretty, I felt really good about myself. And I only got more excited as the night went on, but feeling rushed leaving the house as I realized I forgot to do the one thing I promised them.. The litter box… So I had to clean that up, and so I forgot this necklace my sister gave me. Finally 21 bright pink shot glass. Very Vegas. But it was perfect. It would’ve been perfect and maybe got me more attention.

I felt very… out of place. I was super dressed up, and these bitches were all in short shorts. :/ And the whole place had about 20 people. The majority of which were either the bands groupies, or outside smoking hookah getting away from the terribly loud music inside…

I was served my first drink, the bartender called bullshit on it being my 21st birthday, I should’ve been someplace more filled, or at least been somewhere I could turn heads. No one cared to even check me out. I find it odd I use this to grade my evening, but not even ONE look. Are you serious?

I had no idea what to order. Not a clue. Not a FUCKING THING came to mind. Margarita did later. But I didn’t actually want one. At all.

So I didn’t get to ask for anything, he then whipped me up this double shot thing… Looked like salt on the glass, salt on the lemon. Then I started to drink it. It was like chocolate cake…. Which would be awesome. If I liked the taste of chocolate. It was simply foul.

Got me fucked up though. And it was free… But it was still really, really nasty. My taste buds were angry. I had to ask for some of Sarah’s beverage to get the crap taste out of my mouth. It really did taste spot on like chocolate cake…… I just didn’t want or expect that flavor. I wanted fruity, and had expected super harsh nastyness. It just wasn’t the nasty I had “wanted”

These girls were walking around talking about the specials. Malibu Spice, and Absolute Peach Pit. Sarah got the Absolute Peach Pit, which tasted pretty nice. And I got the Malibu Spice, which didn’t. I don’t like mango or most of the juices Malibu likes to use apparently. And there was no spice like in a Bloody Mary. Did I mention there was only like 20 people? They ended up giving us free chapstick, and free t-shirts. I actually really like my T-shirt… Its currently at Sarah’s though. I left it there.

 

 

Anyways.

That was my night. We went and rolled a blunt in my old neighborhood. I got really sick after finally sitting down for the first time at the house. But immediately passed out once I laid back down after getting sick. Slept pretty great, but couldn’t wake up to take lightrail and bus to my dentist appointment. One hour til my appointment I asked my dad for a ride. I was not feeling all too well, sure I was looking at a mini hangover, but as the day went on, I didn’t feel so sick. After the dentist though…. my phone was dying, I was hungry, I was so very awkwardly about to bleed through my pants, and the only way I was getting back to Lisa’s was by taking a bus, two trains, another bus, and walking 2 miles.

FML

It took me 3 hours, or more. I was very, very unhappy. Maybe I’m spoiled. Maybe I felt like I should’ve been more special. Getting that fucking far, on what felt like the beginning of a terrible year….. Was not an accomplishment. I bought booze and strawberries that went bad like the next day. This is what I get for buying items and carrying them in my bag for 2 miles. Poor strawberries.

I’ve still yet to make a smoothie, or daiquiri. Talk about failures. Plans always change. And I still don’t adjust or accept change well.

I’m so indecisive. SO indecisive. Thank you Cody.

 

21 has not been kind to me. I’m hoping Portland changes that. I’m hoping I can bring it around, make 21 my greatest year ever, somehow. Some way.

 

I’ve made yet another temporary life changing decision. To make things easier on myself, or at least on my wallet and on my sleep. I need to be able to smoke when I please, and be able to come and go as I please, and be able to spend less. I’m about to make such a HUGE transition. And I can’t seem to make myself save in the place I’m crashing… I love my friends for helping, but they’re not really helping me in any way. And life has only gotten harder. Like tomorrow. Tomorrow I shall be ready to leave the apartment before 6. Gotta walk 2 miles. Get on a bus, and take the bus to light rail. And take light rail to work. Not so awesome.

So, I’m gonna see if I can bring my stress level down, sleep easier, have less nightmares, and smoke a tad more. I’ll be crashing on my parents couch. But I’ll get a ride from light rail, be right by my boss’ office, and I guess its a pretty good thing to have my last few weeks with my family. In hopes it all goes more smoothly.

I smoke marijuana, and I don’t appreciate the rude comments towards my habit.

21 Things That Everyone Deserves To Experience

I’m truly grateful to have experienced so much, and with my move up to Portland, I hope I say I made the right choice. As of now, its the scariest move, biggest change. And it involves leaving so very much behind. I have to hope I’m making the right choice. I am still trying to convince myself, but we’ll know soon enough. 🙂

Thought Catalog

1. Having a friend who does not judge you or look down on you, no matter what, and who really listens when you tell them something important or difficult.

2. Finally going on the one ride at the amusement park that you were always just a little too scared of, but which left you disappointed every time you didn’t get up the courage to ride it.

3. Having a picnic out by the water on a day where it’s just sunny enough to feel warm on your face but not so hot that you can’t enjoy sitting still. (And where the bugs all miraculously leave you alone.)

4. Swimming in clear water, where you can see the bottom even when you are chest-deep.

5. Kissing someone you have really, really wanted to kiss for a long time, and having that whole tingly-body sensation when you realize that it’s just as…

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Comforting

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get myself to stop crying. I couldn’t get myself to stop thinking about all the good things I’d be leaving behind, not just in Sacramento when I leave, but with Aaron and my friends. I know things will get better for me without him, maybe without a man all together. I need to focus on me.

I still couldn’t help it. And I kept Momma bear up with all my strange noises. My dear friend HAD to come out and ask how I was. As I wipe my tears and pathetically say “Yea, I’m fine” She climbs over the baby gate and gets me a tissue box and sits down and chatted with me for a good hour and a half after the past 2 I spent trying to be quiet and not wake them.

She made me giggle, she let me get out my worries and sad thoughts. She just talked with me, talked about cats and the baby and allergies and her hubby some. It took awhile because at one point I checked my phone and got really upset again. But she calmed me back down and I went on a short baby walk in the complex to go find my dark corner to smoke my pathetic almost bowls. Gotta change that today….

Then I was able to come back and have only a mini panic attack then immediately crashed. I was thankful. Til the nightmares came. I had not smoked enough to stop myself from remembering them.

I don’t remember it, I just remember waking up both EXTREMELY tired and really, really, really depressed. UNTIL Mr. Robert brought out the sleepy grumpy baby. Hunter saw me through his exhausted eyes, handed a bottle to lay and drink while he wakes himself up. And I just laid next to Hunter and watched him as he watched me trying to lay his foot on my belly and then eventually rolling over practically on top of me. Immediately made my day a thousand times nicer. That little baby face filled with wonder and innocence. I got ready, and we drove the baby and Lisa to gramps and while they were busy talking I got to just hold him and dance to “My Best Friends Girl” by The Cars. He liked it, he loves being held and bounced and twirled in my arms. Then off to work Robert and I went.

Today may be filled with emotions that are just crazy all over the place. But, I will allow myself to feel, and I will allow myself to accept and move on.

 

Breaking up sucks

Drowning

When you feel like your struggling to live day to day. Not because the future is chasing you, but because day to day is a struggle within itself.

When that day you can’t bring yourself to talk about your problems, can’t bare to admit you have them. I hide my problems and seem to expect others to just know I’m always upset and just not tear me down. All I need in my life is good. I stand by “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.” So I don’t say those mean thoughts that at some point do come to mind, instead, I’m quiet  if I don’t have anything nice to say. I expect that of those I care about, I expect that they’ll want to do the same thing.

Quite a lot of people don’t want to care about others, but if someone is being kind to you, giving you a compliment, deeming you special, don’t blow it off like they mean squat. I think it feels really good to make someone feel good about themselves, and I feel SO much more confidence when I get a compliment from someone. Absolutely every time I receive a compliment it makes my day fantastic, it could have been the shittiest of days many things went wrong, but because someone liked my hair, my purse, my shirt, the way I dance when I walk, my smile, anything at all makes me feel awesome. I wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world. I feed off of positivity and sunshine. Negativity is contagious. If you’re mean to someone, they may just be mean to someone because its fair to them because someone made THEM feel like shit that day. Its a vicious cycle and I don’t approve.

 

I feel like I’m drowning in negativity and depression. I need more compliments, and I need Ana. I’m extremely unhappy, and I’m tired of being unhappy.

Anorexia, the battle I’m not winning this week.

I feel weak, I feel tired, I feel STARVED.

I have an eating disorder. Absolutely, I do and it controls me.

I wish I knew the day it started, or if this has been the reason I’ve been so small for my entire life. The only time I was chunky in my own mind was the worst and greatest summer of my life.

I was at my biggest, my healthiest, and I felt mostly ok and I felt great about my average sized boobs for the first time. It was awesome going from practically flat chested and skinny as a rail to kinda chunky and some good cleavage going. It worked for me, and I didn’t actually look terrible, and I’d have looked great if I just exercised even a little.

My senior year sometime I didn’t deal with that, I started chunky, but I had a glow to my smile. Then the year went to shit at the end, and I don’t even remember the rest of the year. I don’t remember school. I don’t remember all of the people I once called my best friend, I don’t remember those I hung out with, I don’t have any good memories from Senior year. I don’t really have all that many memories to begin with. I remember the bad, the terrible. And most of my years there are kind of a blur. 4 years of growing up and maturing and drama, hard to squeeze in on top of all the other memories we’ve got. I have a very bad short term memory. Trying to remember to eat every few hours is a full chore. Dammit, did I even eat? The answer, probably not.

I don’t get cravings often, and if I’m craving something, I like to just get it, thats awesome if I actually know what I want. It doesn’t happen enough though, I can’t tell you the last time I craved something, maybe it was the chocolate covered strawberries from Golden Corral, which I asked Aaron to take me there. And we did, and I got like a plate of carbs, then a salad, then 3 strawberries dipped in the warm hardening chocolate.

I don’t even like chocolate. Thats a weird craving.

 

Anyways. I forget, and I just don’t have an appetite really. I eat really slowly all the time, and I get full really fast on some days.

I can fluctuate between consecutive days I’m able to eat like a *PIG, and then the next week I get really full off of a few bites, or worse a single bite kills my appetite.

The past 4 days at least I have not eaten a whole meal at any given time. Sunday, I ate taco bell, chugged my Smirnoff ice immediately after, then went rafting… I got sick within an hour and I haven’t eaten much since. Aaron has bought me food and a single bite killed my day and no food was accepted after that. Monday at work I skipped breakfast, big mistake, and couldn’t eat the food I purchased for lunch. It sat, waiting, then once it was cold I had to toss it, it would only make me gag.

Each day goes like that. And today. It hurts. 4 days without real food, without even a SINGLE meal at any given time. I have wasted too much money on the food I’ve purchased. And I’m really thankful when I can remember Jamba Juice on the days like these. I will have to get or make a smoothie after work and for lunch tomorrow.

I cannot handle the pain that comes with this stupid disorder. I have always eaten slow, always gagged from eating food at random times. I am sometimes fully incapable of eating. Cannot get food down my throat.

I keep granola bars in my desk so that this doesn’t happen as badly, and they sometimes do it. This is bad. And I hate living like this.

 

 

 

*PIG- I realize this is a harsh term to use on myself, and its not quite true. I mean, sure, I can eat more on those days, but its like a regular appetite because when my body is feeling well, I have an amazingly awesome metabolism so I actually want to eat more.

11 Types Of People We Should All Unfriend

Damn

Thought Catalog

People who mock others for being “special snowflakes”

You’re supposed to be the main character in your own life. If you can’t find beauty and meaning in your own life, where the hell else are you going to find it?

People who always have a cold

You know those people in your office who are coughing and sneezing like, every other week?

When you are sick, stay home, get better. Do not infect others with your germs. Also, try taking a multi-vitamin and washing your hands more? It seems like it is always the same people who are sick every other month.

People who are unhappy

Everyone is unhappy sometimes, and that is fine, but if unhappy is your default setting, other people can’t afford to be around you. That shit is contagious.

Complainers

Complaining is the worst thing you can do when you are in a bad situation. It…

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Thats it!

I’m throwing my hands up! I still can’t post anything short. I can’t just blog. Its about time I start thinking about actually writing my own book, my own life story. I can’t stop writing, it just keeps triggering more and more, and I need to explain more and more in order for anything to make sense.

 

I wanted to post my inspiration to get out of this depression, to fight my PTSD in a better way because clearly what I’m doing isn’t working. Exercise has helped, marijuana has helped, but getting it off my chest, getting this weight lifted from my shoulders, well, that’d be the greatest thing I could ever do. I’ve carried so much for so long. I can’t keep it bottled, its time for me to share with everyone whats really going on inside this head of mine, what I really feel inside.

 

I follow these amazing women who have gone through something horrible in their own lives, something that brought them down, made them so very unhappy, unable to be around others, unable to see life as worth living, and once they hit there lowest they were done. They all decided at some point they wanted to be happy, and they wanted to love themselves and they wanted to move on. They started blogging, or a You tube channel.

I hadn’t realized who I had chosen til I found their magic words that explained why they got started.

Emily Hart- She saw a 12 yr old innocent, happy boy and went home and made a list of 10 reasons why she’d rather be a 12 year old boy. She recorded herself explaining it, and posted it for the world to see. And thus began 10 reasons why.

Superwoman- She just thought of ideas of how to help someone feel better, all she wanted to do was be the reason someone had a better day. Anyone. So she started blogging and being really silly explaining her views and opinions.

A few bloggers I follow on this site have gone through similar issues that I have, currently fighting the stage of depression I’m in, and some just on the verge of getting out of it. I follow them all in hopes we’ll all be better. I like seeing the videos and seeing they may not always be happy, but for the most part, they actually are. I like reading the posts to connect on a level I’ve never gotten to connect with. Though I have been stressed, though I have been betrayed, though I have been beaten down, I have never been open about my feelings, and when I am someone interrupts me, I am open on paper, I am open online, I am open on my blog. I can finally let out all the pain and hurt I’ve kept inside, and if even one person listens to me, I can feel a tiny ounce of relief. 

But I must continue writing my full story, I fear I’ll never finish, there is just too much hurt I’ve kept to myself. Too much ridiculousness. Its time to let it out. Its time I was finally free of that weight.

Blogging Challenge.

      I suck at this. I’ve been completely incapable of posting daily to have something to vent about, if something comes up, or if I actually have work to do. Its the last thing that comes to my mind when I get back to the site.

But. I’ve got a few days I would still like to cover and continue going.

Day 14: Provide Pictures of 5 Celebrity Crushes

Its not at all surprising to those that know me. But. I love this one because the first celeb to come to mind was….

1. Alyssa Milano

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The one woman I idol, would love to meet, and I’d absolutely go gay for.

2. Antonio Sabato Jr.

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This gorgeous man, I have never cared to know his real name. I like the name Bane Jessup in Charmed. He’s got those dimples we ladies love and the arms of a god. Not really, I just have a thing for ’em.

3. Ryan Reynolds

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Cannot have a Celeb Crush list without Ryan Reynolds. Can I just lick some chocolate off of his abs? Just a little, pleaseeee? Damn.

4. Leonardo DiCaprio

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And this hunk of handsome, was my first crush ever.

5. Paul Walker

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Oh, Paul Walker, do you have to be SO gorgeous! This was the first MAN that I appreciated, first set of muscles to get my heart pumping, oh yes, this gorgeous man has a perfect smile, perfect body, tan, and is a pretty great actor. I could not ask for more. I go ape shit when I hear he’s in a movie.

And here’s a few more, in case the photos I chose weren’t awesome enough.

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I couldn’t resist a photo of his dimples, in my favorite episode of Charmed, probably ever.

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This is the baby face, dying for love, demanding Rose fight, oh my dear Leonardo is magnificent. Simply amazing acting from the start in Gilbert Grape.

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You bet your ass this is Alyssa Milano again. I can never get enough of her. So serious. I can’t stand that I don’t have cable to watch her in Mistresses. She’s simply sexy and amazing.

Day 15: List 10 People, dead or alive, that you’d invite to dinner and why….. I’m gonna be more silly than dig deep with my choices. 😛

  1. John Lennon. Before Yoko.  I don’t really have a great explanation this second. He was simply awesome. All about peace, being kind, love, having fun, all that I know about him has led me to always question how it’d have turned out had he lived. He was just silly and fantastic.
  2. Alyssa Milano. So I could meet her. Just to interact and see who she is as a person. Not as a celebrity.
  3. Becomingthebestme. A blogger. Whom I follow and enjoy reading her progress, she seems super bubbly and filled with positivity, support and love. I’d love to meet this woman and see her in action. She’s just awesome, what can I say?
  4. Matthew Broderick. Ferris, oh Ferris, I love you. Even now, somehow you still hold your baby face at an older age. I would’ve wanted to meet him at age 22. That quirky smile of his is where I got mine from. 😀
  5. Nanalew. Shawna. She’s on youtube and I fell in love with 99 Luft Balloons after seeing and posting SAIL onto my Facebook. She makes music videos with whomever, to whatever, doing anything she wants. Because she’s super creative, and super silly, and very similar to me.
  6. Emily Hartridge. A youtube video Blogger. You should check out her show 10 reasons why. I can’t get enough of it. She’s really tall, pretty, and her videos are extremely silly, I’d love to hear that accent at the dinner table.
  7. Dane Cook. The dude is hilarious, fucking hilarious. And he’s a pretty great actor. He seems like he’d bring a lot to the table. Lol
  8. Tom DeLonge. Angels and Airwaves got me through high school, I could never be more grateful. And the dude is adorable.
  9. Alexander Skarsgard. aka. Eric Northman from True Blood. I need to hear this man speak, goosebumps rising everywhere. So deep, so profound, so fucking sexy. At one point I had a ringtone of a scene of his in True Blood. “You’re going to invite me in, so I can protect you or have passionate primal sex with you. “
  10. Poppy Maye. Aka, my best friend Ana. She’s the most amazing person I know, she truly cares about me, and she’s working on her own personal issues which is more than I can say for others in my life. She has been there for me through so much over the years, I could never have a fancy dinner party and not have her there. That’d be simply bonkers. (I’ve clearly been watching too many episodes of 10 reasons why, I just love Emily Hart)

Can’t I just have a table of hot guys? But this awkward combination sounds extremely entertaining. 🙂 And I’d actually like to have dinner with all of them on any given night. This list took much longer than I thought it’d take. I just couldn’t get serious about it. Just kept thinking of the silly faces I wanted to meet, and the amazing men I’d… Yea that doesn’t really matter.

Day 16: If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you do with your remaining time on Earth?

I should have answered this question yesterday. But, I couldn’t shake the way I was feeling the whole day.

Yesterday I was having one of my bad days, one of those days I feel my whole world caving around me. I’m not sure why its so intense every time I get a trigger, why I have to end up thinking “I’d rather be dead than feel this way” before I can snap myself out of it. I’m glad I’m able to do just that, that I’ve never given up on my life since I first got depressed.

I thought that being in a different spot would change my answer. I thought since today has been better my answer would be more awesome, or spunky or selfish in doing crazy acts or something.

If the world were to end tomorrow, I’d make sure I was with my best friend when it happened. I’d take the time to drive, fly, take a train, anything. I’d make sure I got to her. I’d make sure I had a few more hugs, a few more giggles, a few more smiles before this world were to end. I greatly miss my best friend, on any given day.

Day 17: Write about the worst injury you’ve ever had.

I’ve always had a thing for driving anything, I loved moving, and I loved moving fast. Whether its a car, a Quad, or a jet ski I loved driving it. Well. Before learning to drive I got to try out my cousin Davids quads at the sand dunes in Utah. My sister and I went out with him to the dunes, and since neither of us could drive manual anything we had to share the automatic. Which was fine. But. We both managed to flip that quad on that same trip. I mean, its one thing to be so sore you can’t lift your arms the next few days, but when you flip it and it lands on you…. Thats kinda bad.

My worst injury involved no broken bones, no scrapes, and no blood somehow. It flipped and landed on my entire body but mostly on my head. I’m pretty fucking thankful I wore that helmet now, it cracked from flipping over me.

I was going pretty fast, and thought I could continue, and I saw a hill coming so I slowed, but not enough, and suddenly I’m staring down a 10 ft straight drop almost, with some hill to it but barely. I had no choice but to go down it, but I decided to be stupid and turn halfway because there was  fat bush or something I was about to dive into. It flipped up, I flew off, it flipped down on top of me in a split second. Then I was struggling to get it the fuck off me in a panic, and ripped my helmet off and stood up bawling. I couldn’t lift it, I couldn’t see anyone, I couldn’t hear anything around me, I couldn’t be sure if I was hurt or anything, I felt nothing. I saw no blood. I was still terrified.

A couple came by a few minutes later to me crying hysterically and screaming about how I can’t get it to flip over that I’m just too weak and its too heavy. I was simply a mess. They flipped it over and sat me down and asked how I was, if I was gonna be okay, If help was on the way, If help was near. I wiped my tears, said I was fine, thanked them, started the quad and off I went. Only to stop a short distance further up to cry more and decide if I could ride back or not. I had no choice really. I had to. So I did, and explained jokingly all that had happened to my sister and cousin. It was nothing, just probably some minor bruises or something.

After he gave too much gas and crashed into the back window of his RAM 1500, of course. We got home after vaccuming the glass out, and I started walking funny, I was kinda sore. So I went to the bathroom and changed into shorts to be shocked to find a bruise the size of a 20 oz water bottle on my inner thigh. and a whole bunch of light to heavy bruises everywhere else pretty much, the quad was huge and heavy, I’m not sure I would’ve been so lucky if I hadn’t landed in such soft dirt.

The rest of the time I was visiting them I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t lift my arms, or lift my legs, I couldn’t touch my legs together, I couldn’t have anyone sit too close. I was like a vegetable on the couch and had my cousin’s daughter in law and my little brother get me everything I needed that week. I even sat on each of the steps to get up and down the stairs each night. Just made it easier to not use my muscles or anything as much.

I had that bruise for about 3 months, slowly but surely getting lighter, looked SO foul on many days, looked yellowish green or brown and purple. Bruises are hideous….. Bleh. I bruise way too easily for this.