Its been awhile. I like being given a topic to discuss openly, thats easy to do.
But to get myself to wake up early and exercise, or to change before dinner, or wait the appropriate amount of time after dinner to get dressed and go for a run followed by a beautiful workout.
I just can’t seem to do it. I can squeeze in some squats before every shower, and maybe a few before bed, but I feel so self conscious all the time. I just want to put on sweats and not have to see my little pudge everyone loves to point out. I’ve even caught Aaron grab a little tiny bit of my pudge and jiggle it…… I grew up hearing men loved love handles still determined not to keep them…. I do not enjoy anything but flat with a touch of muscle in there. Its all that I know, its all that I want.
I am not saying that I am fat, or overweight, in fact, I’m at a perfectly healthy normal weight for my height. I just have NO muscle anywhere (but maybe some in my thighs from the squats.)
I am just saying, I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, and I do want to tone up my body and remove my little pudge before it gets worse. Ironically 3 months ago I was getting scary skinny, and was unable to keep weight on, I was only losing more and more and feeling more and more tired. Well, I’m eating healthier, eating a WHOLE lot more, and eating more crap and was eating before bed ALL the time to gain the weight. Well. I finally gained it, ate about the same and started drinking WAY more often. I went from drinking a single glass of wine once a month(under 21) to drinking and getting drunk once a week or more. I have been drinking almost daily for several days this past month too… June was bad, lots of pain and alcohol was my only relief. I didn’t have simple shots either, had lots of beers, smirnoff Ice drinks, and mixed beverages of my choice. Too many calories basically. I know my pudge is alcohol and water weight mostly… I can fix this…. Right?
Well. This weekend wherever we went in the car, I felt my jiggle, for the first time in a long time I felt my tummy jiggle uncontrollably with each bump, each turn, every move we made I felt it. So it was my turning point. Its time I actually decided to start this, I cannot be lazy, I cannot see my pudge grow. I saw the pictures from my family trip at 16… I won’t even go back to that size. I will stay super small til I’m pregnant. I must.
So. I bought hand weights this past weekend, new hair ties, and I’m considering a balance ball, good for all stomach muscles, and good for balance which I lack…. Stupid inner ear bullshit.
I knew I wanted to buy hand weights, they come in handy, haha get it handy.
Yea that sucked…
I wanted them so I could sit and watch TV and work my arms since I can’t do push ups or things like that… I wish burpees were easier, I fucking love doing those but they break me. I can’t use my wrists for like a good 24 hours after a single push up or a few burpees. Tiny wrists, you SUCK!
As an update on my exercise and eating healthier, I’m still failing. I still procrastinate to the point I’ve missed my opportunity. I would feel weird choosing the times I suddenly choose, but I have to do it. And today I will have to start FULL ahead, because this weekend I spent a good hour dancing out front while the boys played cards inside and all I could think about was how much I wanted to go for a run and follow up with a workout. Well I don’t want to think about it anymore. I’ve made my workout plan, I just need to follow through. I’ve done the lame “trying,” tonight its about doing.
And I’m going to do it.
I’m going to change into my shorts, put on my favorite running shoes and run til I can’t run anymore. I will do it. Fuck this “try” bullshit. I’m tired of waiting.
And its only a plus that I decided to finally purchase some much wanted hand weights, sure dancing with my arms flailing over my head will tone my arms a little, but I won’t have muscle. Now I’ll have muscle. 😉