99 Luft Balloons

I’ll read someones story about their weight loss journey, the motivation they’ve got to be better, to get healthy, to reach their goals. They are determined.

I’ve spent weeks looking for my motivation to get me to really push myself, to not just get my workout outfit ready and laid out but to actually go into the bedroom and change, then to go outside and just go. Whats stopping me? Myself. I just get lazy. I get home and think about how I’d like my evening to go, and I spend my evening thinking about my evening and watching TV, then I look up and its dark outside and I’m like “Oh well. I’ll go tomorrow. Its too late now, and I’ve just eaten something else. Tomorrow I’ll remember”

I never did.

Yesterday it started to go the same way, we got home, got comfy on the couch and watched TV til dinner was ready. We ate frozen pizza because we need to go to the store again, but we just spent most of my check on rent, because we’d tapped into all my rent savings previously. We eat what we’ve got until I get paid Friday.

I felt really guilty for eating pizza for dinner and vegetarian nachos for lunch instead of my caesar salad I usually get. I felt like I needed to do some kind of workout, pretty badly too. Yet I stayed and waited for my food to settle, then when it was looking like the sun was finally gone but it was still kinda light outside.. I started to think to myself “Screw it.”

Then I went to the bedroom, changed into my workout shorts, tank, sports bra and running shoes. I wasn’t waiting any longer. I told myself I was gonna do it.

And I did.

Aaron made me grab my pepper spray first, but he permitted me to go even though he thought I was crazy for going running as it was getting dark, being a “cute, little white girl in this neighborhood, you’re gonna get taken” Great… The same thing my parents always said when I always did the exact same thing over there. There was a shooting on my parents street, I slept through it, but it happened on their street while I lived there and I still went out after dark almost daily.

I’ll be okay, I run pretty fast, I scream REALLY loud too (pickle o’ peet status)

Anyways. He was being protective, very protective. And though it was degrading, I kept my courage and my determination to take my run. I took my pepper spray, put my headphones in, pressed play, and off I went. I only went for about 15 minutes with a 5 minute walk around cool down, I received a worried text as I was walking around outside about to come in, my sweet guy was crazy worried.

I’m going to run earlier in the evenings, by about a half hour. Everyone was starting to open their garages and sit with their buds (all older gentlemen) while I was running past the other houses. I’ll do it, because I enjoy running silly, dancing while I run and having fun with it, but not in front of cat callers.

I then came in and while Aaron was busy with something I walked around the living room with my hand weights, my little muscles can’t handle very much, I put them away after only a few good sets that already made my arms sore. Finished an episode of Once Upon a Time and went to bed feeling QUITE satisfied with my day. I did what I said I’d do.

This morning I woke up feeling awesome. My alarm went off and I was as excited as I’ll be on my birthday, I was happy, alert, and ready for the day. Let Zoe out, started my coffee, got to the bathroom and started the shower and my squats. Did I ever mention since I’m in the bathroom.. I do them in the nude. I just like standing from a squat and seeing the muscles in motion and to be able to see the improvements already only motivates me to do more squats to improve my bum more. 🙂 And today for the first time probably ever, I danced naked in front of the mirror after my squats, I paid attention to how my hips actually move, I’ve never seen what I looked like dancing in that way. Felt good, and made me feel really sexy. I felt confidence in my body this morning that I haven’t quite had.. I looked at my thighs and saw beauty for the first time EVER, and thats weird because even though the thought flashed into my mind, it immediately escaped me, but I saw beauty. My legs looked beautiful and tanned slightly. I then spent the rest of my shower pondering why I hadn’t been able to see that before, why I couldn’t think of my body as beautiful. I know I’m not big, I know I’ve even got some cute curves, but my lack of boobs and having always seen myself as kinda chunky everywhere, its hard for even me to admit I hold any kind of beauty. I have never believed I was pretty besides ONE evening right after moving into my apartment. One evening, I was told I had the most amazing body they had ever seen, and that one night I was on top of the world. And I held onto that bit of confidence til it was shattered when my hair went…. ugly. Why my hair would change the way I feel about my body, I don’t know, but it does and I’ve felt hideous ever since. I mean, I guess I know, I’m covered almost from neck to toe. The only part of my body you see is a baggy work shirt, loose work pants, and usually a sweater or something. So, I could be quite chunky and no one would know, so my hair is all anyone can see. I’ve started only wearing it up around people til I can cut it. The only time my hair is down is when I’m asleep or in the shower. My hair makes me feel ugly. Awesome epiphany.. 😦

Anyways. Thats not where I was going. >.<

This morning I woke up feeling great. I have continued to feel great(til that rant) and I’ve been busy thinking of other ways I could make myself feel sexy, healthy, and happy…

I’ve got a few ideas. Once I’ve decided I’ll let you know what I’m gonna be doing. What I’m gonna be starting. 😉

Until then, I thought I should let you see how I feel inside. And it’ll explain the title. 😛

Enjoy!

 

Another thing to add to my bucket list…. 😀

 

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