Anorexia, the battle I’m not winning this week.

I feel weak, I feel tired, I feel STARVED.

I have an eating disorder. Absolutely, I do and it controls me.

I wish I knew the day it started, or if this has been the reason I’ve been so small for my entire life. The only time I was chunky in my own mind was the worst and greatest summer of my life.

I was at my biggest, my healthiest, and I felt mostly ok and I felt great about my average sized boobs for the first time. It was awesome going from practically flat chested and skinny as a rail to kinda chunky and some good cleavage going. It worked for me, and I didn’t actually look terrible, and I’d have looked great if I just exercised even a little.

My senior year sometime I didn’t deal with that, I started chunky, but I had a glow to my smile. Then the year went to shit at the end, and I don’t even remember the rest of the year. I don’t remember school. I don’t remember all of the people I once called my best friend, I don’t remember those I hung out with, I don’t have any good memories from Senior year. I don’t really have all that many memories to begin with. I remember the bad, the terrible. And most of my years there are kind of a blur. 4 years of growing up and maturing and drama, hard to squeeze in on top of all the other memories we’ve got. I have a very bad short term memory. Trying to remember to eat every few hours is a full chore. Dammit, did I even eat? The answer, probably not.

I don’t get cravings often, and if I’m craving something, I like to just get it, thats awesome if I actually know what I want. It doesn’t happen enough though, I can’t tell you the last time I craved something, maybe it was the chocolate covered strawberries from Golden Corral, which I asked Aaron to take me there. And we did, and I got like a plate of carbs, then a salad, then 3 strawberries dipped in the warm hardening chocolate.

I don’t even like chocolate. Thats a weird craving.

 

Anyways. I forget, and I just don’t have an appetite really. I eat really slowly all the time, and I get full really fast on some days.

I can fluctuate between consecutive days I’m able to eat like a *PIG, and then the next week I get really full off of a few bites, or worse a single bite kills my appetite.

The past 4 days at least I have not eaten a whole meal at any given time. Sunday, I ate taco bell, chugged my Smirnoff ice immediately after, then went rafting… I got sick within an hour and I haven’t eaten much since. Aaron has bought me food and a single bite killed my day and no food was accepted after that. Monday at work I skipped breakfast, big mistake, and couldn’t eat the food I purchased for lunch. It sat, waiting, then once it was cold I had to toss it, it would only make me gag.

Each day goes like that. And today. It hurts. 4 days without real food, without even a SINGLE meal at any given time. I have wasted too much money on the food I’ve purchased. And I’m really thankful when I can remember Jamba Juice on the days like these. I will have to get or make a smoothie after work and for lunch tomorrow.

I cannot handle the pain that comes with this stupid disorder. I have always eaten slow, always gagged from eating food at random times. I am sometimes fully incapable of eating. Cannot get food down my throat.

I keep granola bars in my desk so that this doesn’t happen as badly, and they sometimes do it. This is bad. And I hate living like this.

 

 

 

*PIG- I realize this is a harsh term to use on myself, and its not quite true. I mean, sure, I can eat more on those days, but its like a regular appetite because when my body is feeling well, I have an amazingly awesome metabolism so I actually want to eat more.

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4 thoughts on “Anorexia, the battle I’m not winning this week.

  1. Baby steps…if smoothies are all you can do on the bad days, then have them. Would it help if you added protein powder or other things like spinach, etc to make sure you’re getting the nutrients your body needs? A really good blender will mix them so well, you wouldn’t be able to taste that stuff if they turn you off. I don’t have any idea what I’m talking about because I’ve never experienced what you have…just a thought. You can tell me to shut up anytime 🙂

    • Absolutely not. I appreciate your words. I will stick to smoothies for the time being.. I’ll be making healthy smoothies at home when I can… We just don’t have a blender so I really do have to resort to Naked juice from the store or Jamba juice. But I will need more veggies and such. I only drink berry smoothies… Protein powder is something that would come in handy when I can make my own smoothies. I’ll have to save for my very own blender.

      • Look for yard sales….seriously. A few years ago I needed a blender and knew which one I wanted. I ended up getting almost exactly what I wanted…it was barely used and I paid $10 for it.

      • Thats how I got my AMAZING coffee/espresso maker. Oh yea. 15 for a $200 maker.
        I will do that. Its one of those things I need. I may be moving to Oregon so I might have to wait on the purchase. But it’d be nice until then.

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