I feel weak, I feel tired, I feel STARVED.
I have an eating disorder. Absolutely, I do and it controls me.
I wish I knew the day it started, or if this has been the reason I’ve been so small for my entire life. The only time I was chunky in my own mind was the worst and greatest summer of my life.
I was at my biggest, my healthiest, and I felt mostly ok and I felt great about my average sized boobs for the first time. It was awesome going from practically flat chested and skinny as a rail to kinda chunky and some good cleavage going. It worked for me, and I didn’t actually look terrible, and I’d have looked great if I just exercised even a little.
My senior year sometime I didn’t deal with that, I started chunky, but I had a glow to my smile. Then the year went to shit at the end, and I don’t even remember the rest of the year. I don’t remember school. I don’t remember all of the people I once called my best friend, I don’t remember those I hung out with, I don’t have any good memories from Senior year. I don’t really have all that many memories to begin with. I remember the bad, the terrible. And most of my years there are kind of a blur. 4 years of growing up and maturing and drama, hard to squeeze in on top of all the other memories we’ve got. I have a very bad short term memory. Trying to remember to eat every few hours is a full chore. Dammit, did I even eat? The answer, probably not.
I don’t get cravings often, and if I’m craving something, I like to just get it, thats awesome if I actually know what I want. It doesn’t happen enough though, I can’t tell you the last time I craved something, maybe it was the chocolate covered strawberries from Golden Corral, which I asked Aaron to take me there. And we did, and I got like a plate of carbs, then a salad, then 3 strawberries dipped in the warm hardening chocolate.
I don’t even like chocolate. Thats a weird craving.
Anyways. I forget, and I just don’t have an appetite really. I eat really slowly all the time, and I get full really fast on some days.
I can fluctuate between consecutive days I’m able to eat like a *PIG, and then the next week I get really full off of a few bites, or worse a single bite kills my appetite.
The past 4 days at least I have not eaten a whole meal at any given time. Sunday, I ate taco bell, chugged my Smirnoff ice immediately after, then went rafting… I got sick within an hour and I haven’t eaten much since. Aaron has bought me food and a single bite killed my day and no food was accepted after that. Monday at work I skipped breakfast, big mistake, and couldn’t eat the food I purchased for lunch. It sat, waiting, then once it was cold I had to toss it, it would only make me gag.
Each day goes like that. And today. It hurts. 4 days without real food, without even a SINGLE meal at any given time. I have wasted too much money on the food I’ve purchased. And I’m really thankful when I can remember Jamba Juice on the days like these. I will have to get or make a smoothie after work and for lunch tomorrow.
I cannot handle the pain that comes with this stupid disorder. I have always eaten slow, always gagged from eating food at random times. I am sometimes fully incapable of eating. Cannot get food down my throat.
I keep granola bars in my desk so that this doesn’t happen as badly, and they sometimes do it. This is bad. And I hate living like this.
*PIG- I realize this is a harsh term to use on myself, and its not quite true. I mean, sure, I can eat more on those days, but its like a regular appetite because when my body is feeling well, I have an amazingly awesome metabolism so I actually want to eat more.