Comforting

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get myself to stop crying. I couldn’t get myself to stop thinking about all the good things I’d be leaving behind, not just in Sacramento when I leave, but with Aaron and my friends. I know things will get better for me without him, maybe without a man all together. I need to focus on me.

I still couldn’t help it. And I kept Momma bear up with all my strange noises. My dear friend HAD to come out and ask how I was. As I wipe my tears and pathetically say “Yea, I’m fine” She climbs over the baby gate and gets me a tissue box and sits down and chatted with me for a good hour and a half after the past 2 I spent trying to be quiet and not wake them.

She made me giggle, she let me get out my worries and sad thoughts. She just talked with me, talked about cats and the baby and allergies and her hubby some. It took awhile because at one point I checked my phone and got really upset again. But she calmed me back down and I went on a short baby walk in the complex to go find my dark corner to smoke my pathetic almost bowls. Gotta change that today….

Then I was able to come back and have only a mini panic attack then immediately crashed. I was thankful. Til the nightmares came. I had not smoked enough to stop myself from remembering them.

I don’t remember it, I just remember waking up both EXTREMELY tired and really, really, really depressed. UNTIL Mr. Robert brought out the sleepy grumpy baby. Hunter saw me through his exhausted eyes, handed a bottle to lay and drink while he wakes himself up. And I just laid next to Hunter and watched him as he watched me trying to lay his foot on my belly and then eventually rolling over practically on top of me. Immediately made my day a thousand times nicer. That little baby face filled with wonder and innocence. I got ready, and we drove the baby and Lisa to gramps and while they were busy talking I got to just hold him and dance to “My Best Friends Girl” by The Cars. He liked it, he loves being held and bounced and twirled in my arms. Then off to work Robert and I went.

Today may be filled with emotions that are just crazy all over the place. But, I will allow myself to feel, and I will allow myself to accept and move on.

 

Breaking up sucks

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