My heart is beating, therefore I am fine.
I’m kinda crazy about YouTube channels. Lately I’ve been going a little bonkers and looking for all types of videos, rants. I prefer to watch vlogs where they get to rant about their lives, their past. Their are far more people out there dealing with similar issues I am, and I’m so grateful the internet can actually bring us together. We shouldn’t ever have to feel like we are alone in any situation, we are never alone.
Though I am not popular, still under 100 followers, I still feel appreciative that anyone wants to read my writing. I think maybe writing might be better for me, my short term memory, my lack of an attention span, and the way my thoughts actually come together would be hard to record and edit to make any kind of good video. I still plan on trying in Portland. 😉
Emma Blackery is the latest blogger I’ve subscribed to. I believe she’s British? Does it matter???
Well, she’s my age, or actually just slightly older by a few months, but she put out a series of videos called: Feel Good 101.
I’ve watched her regular venting videos, but these are different. These are to help those in her situation, the ways she made herself confident in her body, the way she helped herself get out of depression.
Its a line from a song she likes by, I believe, the White Stripes. But it hit me pretty hard, I was reading through a blog, listening and paying attention to her on the other side of my computer screen when she said it, 6 minutes in I heard that line and it made sense. It reminded me of how I got through HS without knowing I was depressed.
Throughout high school, when I was denying my depression, I was always saying to myself, “I live my life with no regrets, I refuse to regret anything that at one point brought me joy.” I wanted to make sure I wasn’t upset about what was actually happening. I was allowing myself to be used, because I loved the attention. Though saying “No regrets” all the time got me through it, it didn’t really help me accept myself. I wanted to get it as a tattoo, “No Regrets,” until I realized it was my ignorance that led me to believing in it. Suddenly it meant, “I’m gonna do some stupid shit and it’ll be okay, because I got the attention I wanted.” So I’ve spent time trying to find something that will shed light on my future, a saying that gives me hope, makes me feel good about my choices, and makes me feel good about myself.
“Nothing but Blue Skies”
Its written in great songs, its literally the most free feeling I could think of. The memories I have of just laying on my back and looking up into a crystal clear blue sky, nothing but blue skies above me. It doesn’t get any more relaxing for me. Its why I loved swimming, its why I liked backstroke swimming, maybe why I was my best at that stroke… Instead of looking in front of my face or down at the bottom of the pool, I was looking at a few white fluffy clouds in random shapes to make me giggle, and a sky so blue, so true, so beautiful it needed to be taken in.
I have no idea why its so simple, and so fucking beautiful at the same time, but it is. And there isn’t much better than a walk, a run, a swim, or laying under the sun. Its my happiness, its my sunshine, its my hope for this life.