Trying something new

Today is October 7th. 

I’ve been given some great advice, to stay strong when I feel so weak. I called it homework, but lets a call it a list. 

A list of what I need from Portland. 

Ive made my list of many things with positive side notes simply to encourage myself. 🙂

My goal is to achieve what I can and save at least $1500 by Christmas. 

Otherwise, Portland isn’t for me. 

i hope to do my best to adjust to the cold and the clouds, but I miss my California sun, my hot days and my warm nights.

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I see no future, I have only a disaster of a past. I want to say fuck it and give up.

Im tired of others telling me what to do, those that don’t care about how I’m doing or what I’m about. I feel judged, I feel dirty. 

If I cannot make myself want the only thing I was sure about, where does that leave me? 

I see no future, I have only a disaster of a past. 

At this point

What do I have? What do I want? 

This life has given me troubles, given me problems those around me believe aren’t real. I do what I can to control my emotions, or hide them. 

I show excitement, and it’s easy to see my self blame. I stay numb often, trying not to feel the suffocation of my past. I’ve missed writing, Sharon my thoughts. 

I have been in a very dark place for quite some time now, moving to a dark and cold home that is Portland. Rain, or storm clouds for months. 

I cannost shake these thoughts that haunt. What do I want in life? I have always wanted to be a mother. No career goals in mind, no genius shall awaken inside me. I wanted to be a stay at home mother, raise my beautiful children to be respectful adults. 

I do not see respect, I do not see Adults. Portland may be kinder than the folk I was surrounded by, and for the most part this is true. There is still evil everywhere, still children doing nasty things because they believe they can. 

We have changed over the years. Our generation has changed. I do not wish to bring a child into this awful world. It’s too far wasted. 

To realize this at least once a week. So, tell me what does that leave me with. 

I see my future so very unclearly. I have no goals. I often am left wondering, why do I need to be here?