Its been awhile. Its been quite a long while. So much has happened in the last 2 years.
I dont want to remember the worst parts of living in Portland. I think I can live forgetting and moving forward. It was a mistake, we all said and did things we shouldn’t. I was drunk a lot of that time too, I still do not hold my alcohol that well…
Anyways. Its been hell, and I lost Ana as a friend for quite some time. A few weeks back, I was sick, like REALLY sick. My boyfriend believed I was just gonna croak if we didn’t go to the ER because I couldnt sleep and I was constantly shaking. Turned out to be a lame virus of some time that only lasted all of 4 days.
Ana and I are OK now. And I’m grateful, EXTREMELY grateful now that I look back on this past year without her. An entire year passed without seeing each other, and at first contact it was like a day hadn’t passed.
Like a day hadn’t passed.
It has though. We have a lot of catching up to do, trying to take in all this missed knowledge and changes to each personality and love interests and such.
She is pregnant, and a few months along now too. Its adorable, and I’m like going all super midwife on her ass. All the research and passion I have for giving life…..Ooh baby. I’m stoked. And suddenly it makes me reconsider having sworn off having my own children. I have started having dreams, and waking to baby names.
I know the world has pretty much gone to shit, but could I do it, could I raise a child that manages to make it up and out OK? At least…. Better than I did, better than most. The reason I dont want children, I dont want to raise them to have my insecurities, and I dont want to inflict the pain that the world has given me.. You can’t protect your child from other children, not in this day and age. Its okay for boys to mess with girls bra straps, or “boys just being boys” moments. We arent teaching our children respect for each other or adults anymore. We are teaching entitlement and that kids are just kids.
Yet, I want to try. I want to experience.
Just not right now.
I like the idea of helping Ana, until my life changes with Rick.. We shall see what happens. Rick and I are scheduled to move to his kiddos. Unknown date due to funds and slow periods… I’m super nervous about the cold… Its colder there… How can it be colder… I can barely handle the cold here.
So. I have my dilemmas and big decisions to make.