When you actually can’t change

Its been awhile for me, forgive me. Years of stress has now built up due to ridiculous circumstances. I should never have stopped writing, because now I have far too much to say.


Lets talk about just the year of 2015. Started extremely rocky having just been fired from my absolute favorite job….the day after Christmas in 2014. So I started 2015 unemployed and desperately searching for work. I was living with my at the time boyfriend whom I had high hopes of marriage. I quickly found out during my unemployed time that he didnt see me as wife material and that he didnt want to have a baby with me, he already had 3 kids he feels he abandoned through a bad divorce….. It still meant I wanted to marry and have children, I’m 23 and he was 34. We needn’t waste our time when I knew I could never have what I wanted in life. We stayed together trying to ignore it mostly, then when I found a job and they found out I was deaf in one ear, they called me handicapped and treated me different and eventually stopped training me 0n anything. I just prepped stuff and stayed on the register til I couldnt hear through the noise in the room. I was considered an awful employee for something I have no control over. So I visited Sacramento and found out what it would take to get a hearing aid.


I found out it would take multiple visits pretty close together, and then check ups on it afterwards…. Meaning, I had to move back if I expected to get a hearing aid my parents were willing to spend over a grand on for me. So my guy and I split when I made my decision to go home. Another turn of events had to happen before I could though.

With everything I’ve been through at my parents house, where most of my nightmares originated due to various different events and sticky situations. My last visit before my move down a guy I’ve met through my sister and my cousin who seems to be a really great guy and a great friend to them…. He offers me his spare bedroom, offers to drive up and bring me and my things down. He gave me a key to his house, and a spare key to one of his trucks. Said “You’ll have your own room, access to the truck, and I’ll take ya anywhere that I get to go til you know more people.” He’s promising to be a life saver so I dont have to move back into my old room, into my parents home.

I dont know what changed or why, but the closer we got to the day he was gonna come get me, once I’ve officially stated I was single and unemployed and moving to Sacramento…. He started saying I’d be sleeping in his room, changing in front of him, that I’ll want to come cuddle up each night, that I’ll be his girl and he’ll take me all over but I wont be his girlfriend…. That didnt fly by me. I told him that doesnt work for me, he said “OK” and then said he didnt need to get me then.

I had to beg my parents to come get me, that they had to suddenly rent a uhaul and have my sister drive up and down with my cousin with my stuff while I fly on down to Sacramento feeling pretty numb. My whole world had changed and I knew what to expect coming home, a room filled with storage and exercise equipment as well as 3 litter boxes… It took me 2 weeks of sleeping on the couch to clean out my room and the garage to be sure there was a good amount of space for everything. The room was FULL.

Once I got my room cleaned I started to get everything taken care of to get my hearing aid, once I felt an ounce of stability, I started to look for a job. I wasnt hired at a couple places I interviewed at, but the place I really wanted, I fought for and they werent even looking to hire someone for my position.. She hired me on a trial basis since I had background in the tow industry, I thought I could be a great dispatcher.. She, being my boss, didn’t think so I guess. Her reasoning for letting me go after only 3 weeks was that I was trying to hard to be perfect…. because when I was hired she told me I had to be really good or she couldnt keep me, she wanted me to replace her hours that she dispatched so she could be doing real work. I dunno, I felt she hated me from the moment she read my resume and it said I worked at an adult store. She basically thought I was a sexual harassment case waiting to happen.

That was disappointing beyond belief. Its already almost July by this point, I didnt want to try and find a job that wouldn’t let me go on my vacation in August so I just blew through the money I earned as a dispatcher, I wasnt really spending much of it besides on gas so it lasted a bit. I had my independence a little longer.

I started going to church with my best friend(Ana) and her family, I started to go out and do karaoke all the time, I went out and met new people. Had a blast.

One beautiful shining day in August, Ana and I had gone to church that morning, went downtown and ate chipotle and then on our way back to her house to relax and maybe have a nap since she’s 7 1/2 months pregnant here. We’re on a one way street with no stop sign, no stop light, nothing. A woman rolls up to the stop sign I’m about to pass and she just rolled through it and we hit her head on. Totaled the car, and I was immediately in shock from my first major accident, the car is crunched, Ana’s door won’t open so she kicked as hard as she could. The car was making this god awful noise I’ll never forget. “How is the baby” is all I’m thinking, I don’t care about anything else, not the bruises on my legs or shoulder, nothing besides that miracle child.

Firemen came, police came, people stopped, and the witnesses that saw the whole thing stuck around the whole time to take care of us. Eventually everyone left while Ana and I waited on a tow truck, whether or not it was driveable like that, I couldnt drive. I couldnt move my neck.

Ana’s mom took her to the ER, and her moms best friend took me to my hospitals ER. I was kicked out of my room in the er, left to sit in a hallway crying in pain, but I didnt need the bed badly enough I guess. The xray they did showed nothing so they said my ribs were probably bruised and that I have mild whip lash. They prescribed me ibuprofen and muscle relaxers for the spasms I was gonna get later.

By the time of the accident I was one week away from going to Anaheim, where it was my idea to go so I would get to walk the beaches, and go off to magic mountain, knotts berry farm, or Disneyland. No. No. I had to call in for harder drugs just to handle the car ride to and from Anaheim. I wasnt allowed to enjoy my vacation the way I had spent the last year dreaming I would. I couldn’t carry a purse, I couldn’t sit in a car without a pillow and being on drugs, I couldn’t sleep soundly anymore but being asleep is when I’m in the least pain. When we got around to going to beaches, I got to lay on my towel and watch the stuff.. I couldn’t walk the beach. I could barely walk for 5 minutes without hurting, and this is with pills.

When we got home I wanted a lawyer. I could feel my life was going to be effected awhile. I didn’t understand the stabbing pains I was having and that my neck never ever felt OK. I started physical therapy, she blindly gave me an exercise that hurt more than it helped. I then got a chiropractor who took so many xrays you could see that where it felt like I was being stabbed by an ice pick…. my bone had been crushed a little bit. He has had to adjust me lightly like he would a 7 year old ever since. Ive gotten an MRI done on my upper back and neck since then and its shown that I have 5 bulging discs in my neck and about 1-2 inches.

My chiropractor told me based on what he can see in the xrays and MRI and on me physically, it’ll take a year of adjustments or more. Or going another route like laser surgery or something ridiculous and that only fixes my neck not my upper or lower back.

I’m stuck in a hard spot, I’m not allowed to work or it’ll hurt me more and maybe my settlement, so I’m couped up and broke all the time unless i take the recycling out and ask to keep the cash. I can’t afford to do anything for myself, or to buy christmas or birthday presents. I have to ask my parents for everything at the age of 23 when I’ve lived on my own and pretty independently since I was 18. Thats a hard transition to going back to feeling like your 16 again. This makes me depressed, beyond living in the home that causes nightmares, beyond being in the city where several men have betrayed my trust and abused me sexually, beyond constantly being in pain except when I’m sleeping sometimes, beyond the fact that I’ve been running errands for everyone and being a taxi at times for people to drunk at the bar or who simply just didnt want to call a taxi or uber. I don’t mind driving too much, I can handle it most of the time and it hurts less than being a passenger in a vehicle.

Its been a hard year. I also got a foot fungus during summer that took months to finally calm the fuck down. That was hard, I’ve never been that self conscious than when I had to deal with that.

I have been on prescribed drugs, and drinking often if I have to be awake in order to handle the pain most days. I cannot wait for one day where I don’t feel pain without having to numb the hell out of my body or just simply lay flat on the greatest bed on the planet… I’m ready to feel better, to be able to work, exercise, have sex, and especially dance without hurting myself. I regret doing just about everything that I don’t think is strenuous once I’ve found out how bad it made me feel.

Some days I’m OK and can hold both my arms up by the end of the day, other days I can’t lift one or both of my arms, let alone wanting to turn to talk to anyone without having to fully position myself to face them. I miss the days I didnt hurt, I also miss the days I didnt realize how awful my past has been.

I feel like I get chased sometimes, this holiday season has been one of my absolute worst, I’ve had to face the man who once raped me while I was trying to wrap christmas presents at my fathers work. Of all places to have a cleaning company come in, he had to work for the one my father hired. So when I found out it was him, I started shaking uncontrollably and couldnt wrap presents well at all, started slopping them together I was freaking out so bad. I had to stop. I couldnt decide if I wanted to bawl my eyes out or vomit. So when he got really close while vacuuming each room, I ran past him and barely made it to the back almost whispering for my sisters help as I’m collapsing to the floor in tears unable to walk. I had never felt so trapped in a place I had always felt so comfortable. I can’t be in places that give me flash backs of the most disturbing moments in my life. Living at home is hard enough, now I’ve had to see him in my fathers place of business. No place is sacred in this town, I will forever be reminded of what has happened in my past. The ones I trusted and let into my life only to have them turn around and force themselves upon me. These people make my relationships extremely difficult.

Baggage. Everybody has baggage, some more than others but everyone has some kind of baggage. I’m worried since having had to face the man who hurt me the most violently that I can’t just move on as easy as I have learned to sort of let go of the others. Him on the other hand, I think about him at the worst of times and if someone does something similar to what he had done to me I shut down. Sex, its really hard to want now. I have to feel sexy, I usually have to have a drink for my body to behave, and I have to push myself so hard to let go and stop thinking if I actually hope to share an intimate moment.

I’m not looking for a pity party, I’m looking for understanding in the eeyore kind of way, don’t ask me to change and just accept the past, because I clearly can’t, just accept me the way I am and be there for me when I fall to pieces sometimes or cant wake from a debilitating nightmare. All I want is to feel that I am loved and safe and that I can trust those I’m around to not say or do things that offend horrifically. No one is perfect. I just hope people can be more understanding. I get it now, why I’m so understanding, I’ve been through hell and back and can imagine what it could be like to be in your shoes. I’m here to help someone as much as anyone is willing to be there for me. Which brings me back to Ana.

Its holiday season, everyone is busy, except the new single mom who can’t afford to buy lots of presents or go and enjoy festivities with a 2 month old. I got busy when I got badly hurt from the bass and drums of my cousins gig, metal type music, I felt every drum kick like an ice pick to several spots on my back. And after having ran Ana around for her errands the past week and all that day I was not having it, I left my cousins gig after 2 songs because I couldnt handle it. I then went to an after party at my sisters friends place, went to the halloween party there (won sexiest costume, it was awesome) but within 2 minutes of walking in the door sober and in pain I’m swarmed by very drunk women wanting to talk to me about the halloween party about how they want me to get more drunk like them that night. Then the owner of the house just walks by and says in a tone I can’t appreciate ” You got waaaay too drunk at the halloween party.” I’m so done with this day by that point. Was supposed to go see Ana and couldnt handle shit. Ended up at my guys house passed out from pain for almost 20 hours, and so Ana blew up my phone and my sisters and would do it to anyone and everyone I know in a heartbeat because she’s apparently just like that. I didnt get better though, my back progressivly got more painful and I got more and more upset with the fact that I didnt wanna do much of anything let alone go help her run errands with her young little baby girl. I just needed to relax a bit. She couldnt handle that I guess and was apparently freaking out not being able to see me or have me help her do this, that and the other thing. She treated me like I was her husband and even though I’m in worse physical shape as far as my back and neck goes, she didnt seem to care that I need to relax more than her.

Maybe its my bad, I don’t ask people for help, and I certainly don’t complain about how much pain I’m in. Until I saw him. I hadnt managed to make the time to get out to see her in almost 2 weeks by this point because of christmas shopping, the bad caroling I attempted to do and still hurt myself, trying to just sleep some of the pain off and then when I was super super stressed I went around the corner to the karaoke bar I like to go to and I get drunk and sing my heart out while I can’t feel my back.. She hates this too. I want to say she’s jealous she can’t do these things, but she’s and introvert she doesnt even like these things, she just wanted me not to like them and to stop going. I’ve made some pretty great friends there, and I am still seeing the same guy I met there months ago.

SO, the night I saw that awful reminder from the pathetic man, I tried to get a hold of her, texted, called while freaking out and not knowing what to do, who to talk to, where to go, how to handle myself….I tried to get her, and her text response was..”It sounds like you’re freaking out about your family, which if you think about it is kinda dumb”

And that was it, my having to be stuck in a secluded locked building with my rapist is no big thing and I’m dumb. We are not friends anymore.

On Christmas I lost my best friend, again, of 8 years. Woo fucking Hoo, this time its sticking. I can no longer live with her constantly assuming the worst, being so negative and at one point thinking I had said something god awful to her child because I was exhausted and grumpy and baby girl was crying. I would never, being a mom is something I’ve always wanted. I know what it feels like to hear the awful things people say to one another, I’d never speak to a child like that whether they understand me or not. You are not my friend if you think so low of me.

So. This has been fun. Remembering 2015 as the worst year of my life. I do believe I’ll have worse days, but overall I dont think I could have a worse year. Losing friends, losing comfort and stability, losing sanity from the accident, losing my patience for stupidity. Its just been a bad year and I’m ready for 2016 to bring me joy and love and hopefully a shining moment of stability along with sanity.