About

What makes me, me? I love a clean pool in summer, to jump in and close my eyes and forget about everything for as long as I can hold my breath. I love the feel of sunshine on my face. To feel a better future.
I love holding hands, no matter who with. Hold me tight.
I love long hugs. And I need reliability.

I am a swimmer at heart, love pink, The Beatles, and I’m forever a Daddy’s girl.
I have a difficult past, that I chose for myself. At some point, I accepted it. And denied any problem. And I lived my life with stress.
I write to let go. I need to relive my past and write it down, so I can move past it.
I’d like those willing, and brave enough to encourage me and give me the strength I need to get through this.
I have had good moments in my life as well. I just can’t seem to view them, all I keep seeing is my dirty past when I close my eyes or when I attempt sleep. I am a marijuana user. And that is the only way I can sleep without nightmares or feeling simply awful each morning. Marijuana has helped me get through a lot.
I’m grateful.

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4 thoughts on “About

  1. I definitely understand where you are coming from. From what it sounds like, I was exactly where you are now 3 years ago. I had hit rock-bottom, suffered from terrible, awful depression (and the anti-depression medication I was taking made it worse and made me literally crazy), I had the love of my life break up with me because he didn’t know how to help me anymore and he couldn’t stand seeing me in so much pain (I was devastated), I was overeating to the extreme to fill the void in my life, and I was sleeping all day because I swore my dreams where better than reality. My problem was I couldn’t escape my past no matter how hard I “tried” and I spent every day reliving it. It took my boyfriend leaving me to finally decide I needed to change. I spent a WHOLE year doing just that. Every day was a struggle. I plastered positive saying on post-it notes all over my walls in my room, I read every self-help book I could on depression and positivity (I usually only found one or two good ideas out of each book). I worked hard to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones. After a year, I was finally able to let go. I was able to step out of my past, live in the present and look forward to the future. It sounds so much easier when I write it down but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. That journey makes my current journey to fitness look like a merry-go-round. Anyways, sorry for the super long comment. I just want to let you know I’m here to cheer you on and you can always feel free to ask me any questions. ❤
    (PS. after I was able to stop being depressed, the love of my life and I started dating again. we have a beautiful daughter and are very happily married)

    • Thank you so much, I do have one question. Did you seek out help? Like a therapist or a good friend willing to listen to whatever that days trigger was?

      I have good days and I have terrible days, pretty much no in between yet. But I appreciate hearing more people care, every now and again I sike myself into believing no one wants to care. Its been the hardest to do, trying to remind myself that there are people who care, even those I can’t see on a regular basis.

      • I had gone to a therapist for a whole year before everything I told you from above but it didn’t help me at all. It was half because I wasn’t making the effort (I was working 60 hours a week and full-time college student at the time) and half because I didn’t care for how the therapist did her job (it’s a difficult one to explain). I didn’t feel comfortable with her so I didn’t really talk to her, which defeats the purpose of going to a therapist LOL. When my love and I split up for the year, I moved 5 states away to live with family (who was never around and not very responsive to emotions) and left all my friends behind. I only talked to 2-3 people but I was mainly very very alone for 4 months before I started college again and made new friends. It was a very rough time in my life. I felt like no one cared about me and no one cared what happened to me. I felt abandoned, unwanted, and unloved. I wrote a lot to express my feelings.

      • Then I’ll definitely be coming to you some. I tried a therapist but couldn’t afford it at that time and now I don’t have the time or patience for one.
        I keep wanting to just live on with my life, but I get triggers so often it sends me into a spiraling depression for the day or makes me unsociable. And I’ve lost a lot of my “friends” since HS, and my best friend has moved away. I’m trying to make more friends and failing, all I’ve got most days is my lover bug that doesn’t do emotions all that much.. Or he has guests and I have to try and keep a pretty face on.
        I have my 3 blogs and a pinterest account to try and avoid my own thoughts suffocating me.

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