Racing Thoughts

I had been DYING to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I’m glad I waited. I didn’t expect that, at all. No warning. Somehow, I didn’t see that coming. And though it was harder and harder to watch, I finished it. Balling.

I was fixing up my hair during the first half, clearly not the half I should’ve been just kind of watching and simply listening. While sitting and frying my head, I’m thinking to myself.

Why is it always little kids, I’ve heard so many stories about past problems from some of my friends while I was still in HS. And that was before. Before anything had happened to me. Before I admitted any problems in my own life. What next hit me. Was why I denied everything. I was not a child, and in a different situation. I would’ve wanted him. Not publicly, never in public. WHY did that have to be in public. I can’t stand the river..

This morning, those same thoughts. I refused to believe I was a victim of any form of abuse. That because I was older, and I should’ve been able to defend myself and stop it. That it was me. That I needed to keep it to myself, because it would be hard to believe, him, he was gorgeous. No way I would’ve turned him down. No, I probably wouldn’t have. But not like that. And repetitive I know. But in PUBLIC. WHAT THE HELL.

Its already easier to think about, still not words I can say aloud. I have always been able to write down what was up with me. My favorite woman to confide in, Brooke. I was able to speak to her, about the worst thoughts that have ever crossed my mind, those thoughts I have NEVER shared with anyone else. These thoughts, I’ve never shared. But, I knew she would understand where I was coming from. She’s been there for me through so much. SO MUCH! Every ounce of pain my Sophomore  year, my Junior year, Senior year, to now. She is DOPE. And she’s a fantastic listener. And that’s what I needed most. Not someone to tell me not to think that way, to sympathize with me. Just, listen. And understand completely.

Sadly, I was bullied in HS, not calling it bullying either. Not til recently. Not til reading Amanda Todds story. She couldn’t handle it, and its not something anyone should have to handle. Hers was quite intense, and proceeded to just get worse at every turn. No getting away.

I was bullied by a specific group. That threatened to beat me, sent me hate messages, and did in fact know where I lived. They were the 2 best chick friends, of Luke. They didn’t approve, and he egged em on. I did not fight back for the most part, simply taking it. But it kept getting dosed out. Kept happening. Those girls were relentless. But when I fought back, it got worse.

And my Myspace was hacked after that. I suspected them, or another of that group. That was rough. I remember my mom hopping on to defend me, which then made it WORSE.

My few friends were there for me, but I didn’t want the support or help. I wanted to wallow in self pity, alone. Then be happy with them.

My high school days went like this. Mostly, I skipped lunch, and saved my money for weed. Yes, weed. I would get a small amount and I’d desperately need to smoke after school when I had it, or at night. Or on the weekends with friends, wherever.

After school each day, after new years or so my sophomore year, I would walk. I went on a walk for up to 3 hours EVERYDAY. Or I came home and napped. I never made plans with anyone, not til I had a best friend. Mostly. Everyone I’ve been friends with, already had a best friend. I was no ones best friend.

I had Cc until my parents made us move.

Then Analyssa until she moved out of the city. 1 year.

Then Ivy, til she moved out of state. 1 year.

Mostly I was just the good friend to a lot of people. I’ll tell ya, that’s not that nice. I know this now. I’m thankful for my best friends now. That when I’m with them, typically I feel that close tie. They know me, and they’ve stuck it out. Through all my boy troubles.

High school seems to be looking worse and worse each time I think about it…

There was a lot of petty drama that happened between the bigger issues, problems, and suicidal thoughts. A lot. I really dislike that HS works like that.

I got suspended, once. Over a lame fake note my friend wrote. We stopped talking then, kinda. But we aren’t good at that. We can’t stray from each other. Ever. But it was a terrible idea that we thought of. We should’ve just stayed off campus.

I ditched a lot. Not leaving campus, but leaving class and just. Staying away. Hung out in the bathroom, for some reason thats what girls did? We snuck out of class to hang out in the bathroom? Sometimes others smoked, I couldn’t take that chance. Sometimes they’d do there make up. I always kinda stood, and listened to whomever I ditched with. I always got nervous and never really liked the idea of doing it.

My junior year. I ditched even more than my sophomore. Fuck, I ditched way more. Typically just enough that my parents weren’t called. And we ironically had a sub each time I went missing, so it wasn’t a lie I got to tell my parents. Oh we had a sub, must’ve missed my name somehow. Not a stretch, it was a lie, but we did have a sub.

I did a lot of stupid shit, but more than that, I hung out with a lot of people that did even more so, some STUPID shit. So, I thought I was normal. Kinda?
I did enjoy those friends, but they were all a little insane… Drinking and doing drugs at school. Like E or actually getting WASTED at school. I will admit now, lame like. I would smoke before school, or after. Not during. But the only thing I did other than that. Was adderall. When I had a test my senior year, OH MAN! I aced that shit! I was SO ecstatic. My days were SOOOOO fantastic when I got to take it. I took it about 6 times at school. Over a period of 2 years. So, its not that terrible. It lasted the whole day. And it made me the happiest I could be. I talked about John Lennon on it once. Day was dope. And I always loved seeing everyone. No downside to the drug, except that I didn’t eat. For 2 days. Day of, and the day after. And sleep never seem to come. I rearranged my room every time I took it, what else was I gonna do in my room. Sit. No one was coming.

I at least felt like I belonged throughout. Except that I kept losing my friends. Every year they would switch up.

Freshman year I had Jen and Christina. Sophomore year I had Jen and Sam, then Ana. Junior year I had Ana, then she moved and I had Ashley. And she opened me up to a dozen generally terrible people….. Honestly. Not people I should’ve been friends with. They had no business in the life I lived, we lived too different. But, they were who I called, “friends”

I threw Ash a party. My god. I wish I could remember it. It was a disaster, in my eyes. I stayed pretty much sober. And at one point I got so depressed I had to go outside and dance alone in the street to my iPod. I’d been through too much and couldn’t handle the drugs, and couples, and sex, and gross, and bleh. I no longer wanted to be there.

I felt awful. But I couldn’t go home. Ash came out and asked what was up. I said I just needed a minute.

The whole party at one point came out to see me outside, just to see me dancing alone. To make fun, of course.

I have a few stories like that… Hmmm. I hated those parties, I always needed to be away from it. Too much blehh.

Another party. With Ana. Just a party, a small little thing. Beer pong in a tiny little room. Cigarettes, everywhere. A huge trampoline, I dug that. I think I hopped on and laid there for a moment at one point, random fact, because I love trampolines. Anyways, I left that party too. Walked out front, danced in the street with my iPod. I wasn’t out long before she noticed I was gone. Maybe 2 songs went by. I was really blue. REALLY blue. I was almost in tears JUST before they came out. Hey Drunkie! Yea, I was then Drunkie. They asked what was up, and to come back. And dance out back if I wanted to. I wasn’t out there because I was drunk, maybe partially. But I did that at my own house.

Late at night, some nights. I just couldn’t sleep. So, I’d grab my iPod, take the fence if I was worried about waking my mom up. And just, dance in the street in front of my house. When my parents found out I did that, they told me to stop taking the fence. That it was okay if I needed to do that sometimes, but they thought I wanted to go out sooner. Not at like 2 am when sleep seemed impossible.

I’ve had nightmares for I don’t even know how long. They’ve been reoccurring dreams, typically the same thing. I can recall the major ones, they only happened about a dozen times each. I haven’t had many good dreams, just the nightmares that when I wake up, I wanted to cry, crawl in a hole, or just die, right there.

I always dreamt about flying, and at the end it was always me coming down to tell my mom about something in my life. Unable to tell her, ever. She’s too judgmental. And shows it. I had already hid everything away from her about my life. When previously, I told her about all the cute boys I liked and small things about my day. I just gave up. I didn’t want to tell her anything anymore. It would spread like wild fire. I couldn’t tell my sister anything either. It would get to my parents, always. ALWAYS! And, so I didn’t speak to anyone. Yet, I’d still do things we could tell my mom and just not my dad. It was frustrating dealing with what I couldn’t tell whom. Keep all that shit straight. Please. I beg of you. So much complication.

Men wanted me, for some reason. I totally dug it, just didn’t understand it. I wasn’t pretty or super skinny, I had really small tits. I was undesirable, I don’t know how I managed to get these guys. I thought they were all GORGEOUS. It was hard to pass up a face like that. They wanted to hang out with me, I’m sorry “Kick it”

I wanna know when that meant to have sex, why is that to have sex. I wanted to actually hang out and get to know any and all of these guys, they were dope. And I liked being around them, I shared some interests with them. Not that I could tell them that, I was still too shy. I can write my shit down, but I cannot say it. I could text you anything you need to know about what I’m gonna do, what I want to do. What I’ve done. Who I am. Ask me in person. My mind goes blank. Just. Stops. Who am I? Oh, wait. What was the question. My hearing played a role until this year, if others spoke at the same time. I didn’t catch that.

I just wish I had more to say in person. Why I’m always stuck in my own thoughts. I have a LOT to say. A FUCK TON! But, I can’t get it out, not when I’m with people. I get distracted. Lose train of thought. Can’t handle it. And Luke always stunned me, so trying to talk to him, HA, thats funny. Ironically enough, I still talk to him. Its easier to have a conversation now. And no one understands why I can’t let him go. Even though he knows what he did to me, everything he did to me, what he put me through. Who he sent to get at me. He sent his entire group of friends after me. The girls attacked me, emotionally, and the guys messed with me either teasing me, or going after me themselves, wanting to get a piece of that prize. I was the toy they tossed around.

My sister, she made a bet with a friend during my sophomore year. 2 classmates of theres were Luke’s friends. James and Steven. Steven, bleh. He was my first crush in elementary to be honest. I liked that I got to hang out with him, til I did it with him. Maaaaaan, then they made a bet that I was gonna see James next. That it was bound to happen, him after me, or me after him.

It didn’t happen. 🙂 And I won the bet.

My senior year, my 2 best friends made a bet with me. Which I won.  Speaking of, one of which hasn’t coughed up the cash, *cough cough* But they bet, sadly, that I’d have a pregnancy scare or actually just get pregnant by graduation. I didn’t really see anyone that year. Especially not when the bet was made. I went about my life though, ignoring the bet that was made, if I stayed good I’d be just fine and it’d be easy cash. I just had to make a choice and stick with it, which I didn’t… But I still won the bet. 😉

I slept with one new guy. WORST MISTAKE. That was my MASS drama in my senior year. On top of a bet about sex, sorta, I had gossip spread about being a liar and stalker. And it was supposed to be the best months. The last 5 months I was teased and bullied once more. Threatened to have my ass beat. So once again, I was kind of a shut in, or always with my friends. I couldn’t be alone walking home or anything. I had to wait it out somewhere safe, I wasn’t about to get my shit handed to me over my being a liar because I told the truth. Vultures. They told whomever they wanted, and I was glad my 3 closest friends knew and didn’t want to make me more of an outsider, and I was thankful we hung out with Chess club or Tea club inside a classroom. I spent my lunches indoors. I wanted to be a popular from day 1. I had the kinda personality that should’ve gone far, and I was a truly kind person. Why is it nice people are the ones treated like dirt? You have to be a jackass to be popular? Fucking ridiculous. High school is so stupid. I may send my kids to private school. I kinda hate the idea of sending kids anywhere. There will always be some fucking cunt to tear them down. Or if they are the little bitch doing the dumping they best not be in school dosing it out. Fuck. Future kids and I’m tripping. Fun stuff >.<

Like I said, Racing Thoughts. And. Of course. This is not it. Not at all. I don’t know when I’ll ever get it all. I wanted to die, just get the fuck out of this life. Not remember any of it, never happened because I won’t be here. Clearly no one will notice. My parents never knew anything about me anyways. No one will remember me, I was too quiet. I was too shy. I wasn’t good enough. Men didn’t like me for my personality. Did they even think I had one? I hated the disappointment and betrayal, and lies. I hated bullies, I hated sex, I hated life, but I made sure to keep living, why? Because I couldn’t do it. Because when I grabbed that stupid compass and scratched at myself, I knew life had more to offer. I wanted out. I was ready for the fight. I took it, I became numb, but I took it. I added more stress to my life because I was/ am addicted to men. I cannot get enough. Yet, it always sucks. Even the good guys, the ones that weren’t fantastic looking, but seemed to like me. Didn’t. I dated one guy for like 2 weeks, he said he was too busy for me. But then I found out he dumped me because his friends asked him to. And he did. I had multiple little baby relationships, but the firsts took awhile for me, with them, they didn’t go for it. I didn’t go for it, but we wanted to. So, I did nothing with those I “dated” and then I was dumped. And dumped. And dumped. And dumped.

No one wanted me but the men that tossed me around to there friends. Assholes.

Fucking Luke. Another flashback. I got invited over to hang out, actually hang out. Since he was with hella buds. I assumed a girl might be there. It was 5 guys and me. One was my ex, asleep, in another room, a guy that didn’t want me. :/ I didn’t know they were friends….

The other 4, Luke included. All were drunk, all were hitting on me. All grabbed my ass or slapped it at different times. I went to get into the car and they just placed there hands where I was supposed to sit, so they could cop a feel real quick. Shit like that kept happening. Then. We played a strange game… With 4 guys spread out through the house. I followed the bigger group, phone in hand. Receiving a text, come to this room. Where Luke was with James. And my sleeping ex? Great. Then Steven followed. He followed me like a puppy. Everywhere I went, he did. Luke dragged me around til he had me in a room alone after 3 rooms with another dude. lol A kiss and fat grope, whatever. Thats who I was there to see. Then back out to everyone else. My body was all floaty from it. Just, woooohooo. I got a rush around Luke. It was always so intense. Still is. :/ I saw him consistently, pretty much. Always in touch, and he was frequently burning at the river with friends, right behind my place. For some reason. The rest of that night is now gone. Blacked out. I don’t know what happened. If anything did. If I walked home or got a ride. I don’t remember. I don’t get to remember a lot. Stuff just kept happening to me, and slowly, they are just FLASHING right back into my mind. For a split second I remember EVERY detail, and can’t type it fast enough. I need to get it all out. All the bad, all the good. All the lame and fucked up. Gotta get it out, maybe organize it and make it my story, my novel. Making it through the world when you feel like a “Nothing”


My strength

My senior year, I was tested once more with men. I made this video as a way to forgive the couple that put me through hell. But I still resent them both. I should have done this to forgive myself.
I made this video ORIGINALLY to say goodbye to my school. The place that had tortured me for 4 years. Yes, I wanted to say goodbye in a public way. I was a TA in my Digital Imaging class. So, instead of doing the projects with the rest of the class. I took pictures of my classmates, those I loved, those I once loved, teachers I was crazy about(the dope ones that understood you), as well as the popular group I was once very briefly a part of.
Also, Sam, and Ana are frequently in here.
*Its a Rach(a)el thing.* As well. 🙂
( My name is Rachel, I’m with another girl, Rachael. And it was an inside thing. We were in sync. It became our thing that year.I completely forgot about that.)
We are pictured in here, only once. But Rachael is with Sam for the hearts picture.

* You’ll see*

I had to post this, before it becomes lost.

I spent months taking photos, and editing the video, and at the end of the year. Just before graduating. My friend Jen put it on our weekly Video News.

I needed to live like today was my last day, everyday. To get through my past. So, this video means A LOT to me.
I hope you enjoy. Please no hate comments. I was only a senior. And this was my first big project like this.

15 Guaranteed Things That Will Happen To You In Your 20s

The book that changed my life, I read years ago. The internet was my biggest bully in highschool and does nothing now. But I like the rest of this, at some point I’ll experience it all. I’ve reached the point I need to focus on myself, NOW. Maybe all of this would’ve happened in my twenties if I had chosen a different route in life. But, my adult life must’ve started real early. :/

Thought Catalog

1. Your social circle will narrow. In college, you’ll have lots of acquaintances and party friends but that will dissipate over time. Eventually, you’ll find yourself unable to spark up new friendships simply because you don’t have the time or desire. Now you’ll only make a new friend and let them into your life if you’re absolutely obsessed with them.

2. You’ll seriously consider going to grad school. You’ll call your mom up in a panic one day and explain that you’ve always enjoyed something like psychology and, well, maybe it’s time to start entertaining the idea of, um, being a therapist. Mom? Stop sighing!

3. You will hate your job at some point, even if it’s better than 99% of your other friends’ jobs. You will be overworked and underpaid presumably until you’re 40. Then, you’ll suddenly be overpaid and not do much of anything. Right? That’s how it…

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My thoughts are conflicted. I want to share my problems. And I’d like to tell my parents. Somehow.
If I’d like to sit them down. And tell them face to face. If I should email them a link to my blog. And ask when they have time to read it, and have me over to discuss my options.
Should I involve them. Should I even tell them?
Everyone lives in there own world. They do not need my issues, or my pain, or my past haunting them.
I wanted to keep it all to myself. And never tell anyone. And live my life as if it never happened.
But since I can’t. Its hurting me. And I want to get help.
But I still don’t want to interrupt the haply go lucky lives of others. I want to be remembered by my smile. Not my past. I want to be defined by who I am right now. The girl that made it, I live on my own, handling adult life as it rolls at me, needing a therapist, but willing to see one. Fully prepared to get the help I so desperately need!
I want to feel better. I want this weight lifted from my shoulders.
But, I still have those thoughts. I should keep it all to myself. Still. And leave everyone be.
But then. I’m alone. Again.
Its time, I need to tell my parents. I need them to want to help. I desperately need them to WANT to help.
(Yes. I had to put that twice on purpose)

This is my week. To turn my life upside down, and start reliving my memories, so I may fix my problems.

Chicken Shit

Because I don’t have the balls to post every excruciating detail that flashed through my mind last night. Leaving me balling on my bed, hoping it’d stop, and wanting to know what happened at the same time. I had fully blocked every bit of the pain. I remember it clearly now. I remember my thoughts as it happened.

I’d like to know if its wise. If I should share those thoughts, my story. The actual event. Is that too intense?
I can’t handle much myself right now, everything is upsetting me or making me need to confess to my awful past. I can’t eat, anything. I made 3 pieces of bacon this morning, eating almost one. And gagging at the last bite. Food is not doing well for me. I can’t keep it down.
My AMAZING friends are encouraging me to talk to someone. And, at this point. I should. I want to. If I need my friends to text me each morning or mid day to ask if I’ve eaten yet, that’s not a good sign. Since when they do. I haven’t. 😦

I’m going to see someone. Soon. I’ve already taken my first step and reached out to a few therapists. And once I’ve got the cash, and my paperwork in hand, I’ll walk in and start my process.

For now, I’ll leave it at that. And I’ll post my story when I feel I can bare to say those words aloud once more. When I can truly admit to myself what happened to me a few years ago.

Flashback (Rated R)

In a previous post, I shared my deepest pains. An old crush once asked me to a bonfire. When it had already ended.
Walking me to where it had been held, stopping by a house with realtor signs up in the backyard and I knew previously the house had been empty a few days now.
I don’t remember every detail. I’ve blocked it, and let it flash back, blocked it and let it flash back again tonight. I’d like to write it down before I end up blocking it out once more.

I was now at that fence. Facing him, as he was trying to kiss me and groping me at the same time. I asked about the bonfire.
He continued.
He kissed me then. It was hard to handle the mixed emotions, I really didn’t want to be there, I wanted to socialize and hang out with him. But I did like him, previously. I tried to go with it.
Til he shoved his fingers inside me. The pain. I said no!
I know I said stop.
I kept moving my underwear back moving him away.
He flipped me around.
Pinned me to the fence.
He held both my hands firmly with one, my wrists are so small, I couldn’t move at all. I was so stunned.
I said stop! Stop!
I didn’t scream or yell. I was quiet. It was late. I couldn’t. No. Not me. This isn’t.
I remember freaking out. Just stuck in my mind.
I don’t know how long I was there.
I was frozen. Starting to collapse he kept me up.
Someone started to come near. Hearing voices and light footsteps getting louder.
Stopped. I stayed frozen.

He told me the bonfire already ended, or something by this point.
Somehow I’m aware of that being said.

I walked home. And I sat out front for probably 20 minutes.
I sat.
I stayed frozen.
Then I went inside.
I sat.
I stayed frozen.
I tried to watch whatever my sister was watching. Hoping she wouldn’t ask about my night.
I even wanna say she had a friend over.
I felt gross.
I just wanted to sleep.
Or disappear.
I decided it wasn’t… rape.
I forgot about it after that. I never spoke to him. Of him. I could not say his name. I could not see his picture.
I could not face his cousin, my once best friend. A…..

I didn’t see him for 2 years.
Then, I sadly went to Lukes to hang out, he was there. And Luke didn’t tell me.
I hesitated stepping foot inside. But I went in.
I didn’t say anything. The entire time R….. was in the room. Ever. Just stared at my pants or my shoes.
He left. Then I left. I couldn’t handle it.

I went home. And I called my best friend at that time. Miss Zashley. Or Rayne. Or Ashley. Same difference.
I couldn’t hide it anymore. I had to tell someone. It all flashed back. I couldn’t keep denying it.
I told her I saw him, and explained about before. Well. A little anyways. A brief summary. Since I haven’t spoken the words without guilt and shame and embarrassment.
She had no idea.
I waited to tell anyone else.

Within the past year or so, I’ve confessed to a few close friends understating the seriousness. Of course.
I would then smile. 🙂 through my tears.

I admit now.
I was raped.
And I am seeking a therapist currently.

Justice was served

Time for a beautiful story. Inspiration has struck. I’d like to share a story I’d like to remember for years to come.

Last week, through all of my issues I was going through, before I decided to deal with them. I came across my Sacramento Cyclists page on Facebook. A friend-to-be Isaiah posted that his friends bike was stolen. He posted a photo and where it was taken in Downtown Sacramento, where I live, and work. Where the week previous my aunt had her bike stolen. I could handle the stealing no more. I watched Craigslist for both bikes. I have the time at work to carefully watch. So, I did.

My aunts bike was long gone, she saw her pieces showing up on CL, not the bike itself. There was no retrieving it now. But I was watching, just in case. I saw the bike Isaiah posted, but it had been slightly modified, I still knew it was his friends. I hopped on that. I posted the ad on his comments for the photo. The community came together. All of us following the post started texting this guy. Talking about how to best retrieve it. We were texting as if to purchase the bike from the thief. He admitted to painting the frame, and that he was not the original owner, that the bike was too tall for him. We all kept in touch with each other, fully aware of every message sent to this prick.

I was not there for the retrieval, but Isaiah posted the story, quoting me by name.

“Ok guys heres the full story my boy Stephen had his bike stolen from his side yard some time between Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning. Told him to file a report and we started posting pics here, bike forums and Pedal Hard asking the bike community to keep an eye out. And I have to say you guys are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! Rachel Neal actually found the posting and notified me and Ricardo Robles thanks for being down to go help us get it back. I called the guy “Christopher” he said he had the bike for 5 months and needed to pay rent so he needed to sell it. Trying to make it seem legit as possible I made him lower the price to $200 and said we’d meet up for a test ride at downtown plaza at 5 between the mall and old Sac. I brought 4 of my friends with me just in case we things got bad. mind yo…u we told ourselves before hand we weren’t leaving without this bike no matter what. So one of friends walked up to him and checked out the bike you know go through the motions. Our friend called the police from a distance and we just stalled till they showed up the guy was overwhelmed and started yelling and talking his way into a deeper hole but kept saying it was his bike. We showed the officers the pics of the bike before and the police report and they let us take it on the spot. It turns out “Christopher” was on parole for burglary and was arrested on the spot!!! my friend Stephen still can press charges and is trying to figure out what he’s going to do considering he vandalized his property. But I want to thank everyone for your help from sharing the post/pics to scanning craigslist or calling that guy “Christopher” to see if he still had it. MORAL of the story take pics of all your parts and components lock up your bike and trust the bike community to come together and help you out! We’re so greatful for everyone thanks for keeping 1 more person on a bike!!!!!!!!!!”

So, with cops involved, and a community prepared, I took part in helping our community. I’m going to meet the men I’ve helped. It felt fantastic, to help them. And if I wasn’t busy, I would’ve loved to have gone with them to see it all go down.

I’m so thankful the bike was retrieved and in such a beautiful manner. May thieves learn from this, you can’t mess with a community. We stand strong for what we believe in.

Justice has been SERVED!

Peanut allergy

Since I was little, I’ve always hated peanut butter. The smell. The look. The taste. All of it. I always swore I was allergic. But I refused to eat it to actually find out to show anyone. We put some oils on my hand, and though I got itchy. Nothing happened. No redness or puffiness. So they claimed I made it up. I tried peanut oil once, in a bowl of soup or something oriental that my best friend Sam had. It was delicious. But then my throat was sore. And I no longer wanted to eat. Or talk. They gave me benadryl then. I should’ve figured it out then. I went to Gunthers ice cream yesterday afternoon. So looking forward to anything I got from there. I got a hot fudge brownie sundae. With no nuts or whipped cream. I should’ve seen the bumps through my melting hot fudge. They had put a touch of nuts and must’ve tried getting some off. But I ate a bite. And it hurt. So i ate another. And it hurt my throat more. Why? I don’t know. I assumed my mouth must be dry. I bought a water bottle. First sip. Still really painful. Whatever. Try and deal. Another bite of ice cream. Most pain yet! Then it clicked. ” I knew it was too crunchy!” Nuts. So I got a return, and had them scoop out my Pint of mint n chip with a new scoop. I haven’t tried it yet. But I’m hoping its nut free. Now I know, I am actually allergic to nuts. That it was never “in my head,” I have an allergy. I have a peanut allergy. May my life be made more complicated. :/ The only allergy thats terrible to stray from. I have to be picky and ask questions every time now. I must inform whomever is serving me of my lame allergy. As mild as it is. That was still really painful. I cannot share a drink with someone that has eaten peanut butter or nuts. Or kiss them for that matter. May I never have another allergic reaction. 🙂 Here’s to hoping.

The truth. Some of my pain.

I want to write it all down. Everything that has happened. Following the foot steps of a new friend. 🙂 I shall start from my beginning.

Where it all went wrong.

My childhood was pretty fantastic, I was naive, and loved every one I knew and played outdoors, fought with my older sister all the time. Stuff like that. I loved life, and I had the greatest best friend ever, Cc. 🙂

Then we moved when I was 8. And my grandma passed. And I shared a room with my older sister, and shorty had his own room. >.<

That quickly was a terrible idea. We stopped getting along all together. So, I got new friends and did nothing at home. I was not a social butterfly once I came  home from school. I did not have friends over. I mostly wasn’t allowed. I don’t remember much about this time, but I remember fighting with my sister, being pushed down that ladder up to the top bunk. Shoved into walls. Grabbed too firmly by the wrist. I even remember one specific spanking. Clothing hanger. I stopped misbehaving, that was my last spanking.

I became quiet. 6th grade I had started writing and sending letters to my best friend, just because we thought it was fun. One day I said something in a letter that set her off, I don’t have a clue what I wrote anymore. Just that whatever I said, made CPS come to my school, talk to me and my siblings and threaten to take me away. I went home that day and had to explain lots to my parents. I remember cleaning the entire house, just in case they came. We had a disaster for a home. I’m not sure how we lived in it. Guests were not allowed, that would be rude and disgusting.

My mother hoarded, and we just dealt with it. My mother.

Then, 7th grade. I was a little shit, always hanging out with the wrong crowd. I managed to befriend the wrong girls, like the bad boys, and not want much for my school. I really hated school, I was terrible at tests and every teacher before had said I have so much potential but lack motivation. C+ student at best.

I got my first cast 7th grade, at king skate, to the game Wipeout, showing off for no reason. Anyways. 7th grade sucked. I hated myself at the end of it. Thankful that the shitty people in my life graduated to HS. 8th grade was dope. Great friends, no bull shit, I was a TA and had the coolest elective wheel. Secretly loved my reading class, we only read new small books and took tests. That was my class. 🙂

I became a runner. And I had already been swimming on a rec team every summer, it was nice that I stayed in shape with my favorite runner keeping me motivated. I was real close with Kaitlynn then. Somehow she became a cunt over that summer though.

My freshman year. Where everything went ALL wrong. I made my usual friends, the nerdy type that loved to talk like I did. I was super immature, knew nothing about sex. Had only kissed someone previously, felt up? Whats that?
I was a good kid mostly, I didn’t try to hard, but I did what I was told, and I never lied or snuck out. Never tried alcohol before, not that taste of wine offered, not that sip of eggnog with kahluha. Drugs didn’t even exist yet.

Then, it was like a movie when it happened. I can too easily see it play out.
I saw him. Luke.
He was gorgeous, the most magnificent sight I’d laid eyes on. I had to know him.
He was popular, sweet, and funny. To everyone else.
I wanted nothing but to be his, or at least his friend. He was a great friend, to everyone else. I always got to see it, but never experience it.
I wanted to see him, one night. I had still never drank, smoked, snuck out, cheated, lied, skipped class.
I snuck out for the first time. Scared shitless of course. I got caught on the fence. Ripped my shorts, fuuuucked up my left arm. Fat bruise all down my arm with some minor cuts.
That night I was the most nervous I’ve ever felt. Unable to speak. I couldn’t handle being around him. He stunned me, I was always speechless, unable to grasp that I was with him. HIM.
Nothing happened. I missed my chance at a kiss. A simple kiss.
I went home smiling, and sore.
Didn’t get caught.
The bruise stayed for months though. Since I snuck out at the beginning of June. I was stuck wearing long sleeve and baseball tees all through summer. To hide my HUGE bruise. They saw eventually. And out came my first lie I remember telling. Turning quickly to feel my face flush red.
I was a terrible liar. Still am.
Then began my sophomore year.
I didn’t see him the rest of the summer, but stayed in touch.
I had gotten my belly button pierced. A cell phone. And I had joined the cross country team. Enjoying my classes. Kind of. French. Art. Avid.
I made a choice. For some reason. I got the message that he didn’t want me, I was a virgin.
I decided i no longer wanted to be. At barely 15. I asked him over on the greatest day I had, had in awhile. I had my first cross country meet. Ran slowly. But it felt good to be apart of something in fall.
My parents had gone to a concert for the evening by the time I got home from my meet. I asked him over.
To cyclone I gave myself up.
It was awful. I’d never done anything like that. Never been undressed in front of someone.
It shouldn’t count. Nor should the next several months.
I started sneaking out after that. Often.
I saw him a few other times. Like the time I actually lost my “cherry” destroying a mattress in the meantime. Unable to help with the clean up.
I was teased by his friends for the stain I didn’t mean to leave.
He wanted to help me that night, worried I was in trouble unaware of what had happened.
I know now.
Sneaking out. Ditching classes all the time. Failing every class.
My first drink. And my first cigarette. In the same night.
I was asked over, to see him. I had my first shot, Bacardi 151. Are you serious! I couldn’t breathe or talk! As a chaser I had Malibu juice. Nasty flavor, mango or something I can’t stand.
I was told I couldn’t get a ride home unless I smoked my own cigarette. I demanded not for awhile, til I was forced, I needed to go home.
I didn’t see him for awhile. I met C…. then. I talked to him for hours! We just, clicked. And it was awesome. I was so comfortable with him. He was older, and I had heard nothing but amazing things. My sister was at one point friends with him.
I quickly knew I liked him and wanted to see more of him. But I couldn’t wait.
Adding a second guy to my list. Without a relationship. :/
The next year is a blur. I tried marijuana. Loved it for awhile. Then stopped suddenly when Luke got mad at me one terrible evening.
I had added 2 other names by then.
I had hit low. I was failing everything, my parents were constantly mad at me about school.
I had pulled away so far. No one knew anything about my life.
I had a stomach ache once. This whole night is very clear to me.
I had had a conversation with my dad, about him trusting me. That I was trying to get better in school. I promised to do better.
I felt sick before that though, had gotten worse. My mom jokingly said what been messing around with guys too much?
No i spat out.
Are ya sure haha. She said.
No i said quietly.
They got quiet.

She asked if I was a virgin. I said no.
my dad quickly got up and left, slamming the door behind him. Saying, and I just said I trusted you.
It was really hard.
My parents were angry. My mom decided to tell my whole family about her disappointments in me. I was looked down upon by everyone I knew.
I had lost my good friends, the kind ones, that didn’t cheat, or ditch. I was with my badass friends. And Ana. But we thought we were cool.
My summer after sophomore year. I had gained weight from the stress, I had never been big or chunky.
I went to hawaii to celebrate my 16th birthday and my sister graduating. I didn’t want to go. It meant I didn’t get a sweet 16. The party I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. Not my wedding, but being popular and liked enough to have a huge bash. Celebrating me.
No. No party at all.
Just sickness in Hawaii. I got to fly. And that was awesome. But I was stuck on an elevator the whole week. Couldn’t go anywhere. It all felt bad. I hated my trip in hawaii. Truly. I’d like to go back, to see if I can enjoy it.
When we came home. I went to a party with a friend. Best night of my life. I was liked by all the girls, and I had a cutie arriving just to see me at this party. C…. 🙂
Then later that summer, I met a new guy. Snuck out to see him once, and smoked soooo much at his house I passed out. I stayed asleep til noon the next day. Waking up to 52 missed calls and 19 text messages. I remember the panic.
But i was still baked from passing out. I couldn’t function yet.
I was stranded and sooo dead when i got home.
That was the first time they found out about my sneaking out.
I was grounded the rest of the summer or til they trusted me.
I had just under a month left of summer. I cleaned the backyard as my project. It was beautiful.
And eventually I earned rights to my phone. I wasn’t allowed to send texts that my parents didn’t read. Or make calls while they weren’t around.
I had no right on a computer. I was trapped in my home for 2 weeks without contact to the outside world. I didn’t go anywhere.
Ana came over. The last weekend before school.
We drank and then snuck out to meet a friend. I sang at the top of my lungs on a table in the park nearest to my parents. Passed out briefly by the river.
Screamed my head off at Ana about Luke. She hated him. Haha. I got very sick in the street, blacked out. And suddenly i was on my street being carried home. My sister was on aim that night. Aware of where i was. She stayed up to let me in the house.
Every message sent to her was sent to my moms phone.
My parents knew i had snuck out again when they woke up.
They came to my room while i was still drunk from the night before.
I answered honestly. Lol
Ana came in. And i made an audio tape, while i was still drunk. Itty bitty mini kitty, in my babiest of baby voices. That followed me for years. It was real silly.

That summer. Just before I got myself into the worst trouble I’ve been in.
I was invited to a bonfire, by an old crush, someone I had had a crush on for years, more since growing up. That boy had a dreamy smile. Its hard to see now.
The bonfire had already ended. But he said it was still going when he got me.
He walked me on the levi, going towards where it had been held.
Then turned and pushed me up against a fence, of a house that no one lived in( realtor signs).
I absolutely said no, multiple times. I had never wanted to do anything in public.
But he continued to force himself on me.
I’ve faced him once since then. I couldn’t handle it. I shut down, said nothing. Forced to be in the same room.
But I knew then that I couldn’t get over it. That was when I finally confessed for the first time. To my best friend Ashley.
I was in denial til i saw him.

Then. My senior year.
I stayed away from guys all together. I wanted nothing to do with them.
I focused on my friends. My classes. My senior project. My swimming. My future.
Then, I thought i found a nice guy. We hung out a couple times. Talked a lot for a couple months.
I thought we were exclusive and dating.
I was wrong.
I chose to see him one late evening. And its the only thing I’ve truly regretted doing.
That time. I screwed up.
Lets just say my biggest problems are related to sex. In some way. Whether it was a time I shouldn’t have. To a time I didn’t want to. To a time I did, and fucking hated every second. And that happened the most.
He started talking to another girl at school after that.
I let it go. Befriended her cuz she was in my class. Then i gave her my “blessing” cuz i thought he was a good guy still. Just didn’t want me. And that was whatever.
He said he had never hung out with me. Never liked me. Never talked to me.
I never existed.
So, she thought i was a stalker and a liar.
So, that spread. My senior year got really rough. My friends helped me through it. I kept my smile through my tears. I will always keep my smile.
I was taunted til the day I graduated.
I did find a good guy, a virgin. So my life was made uncomplicated.
What I’ve learned. I can’t step foot on my HS campus without feeling everything. Seeing every painful memory. I cannot see the good there. Not anymore. I hope to one day return and be able to see the good. One day.
I’ve been a million times better since leaving that wretched school.
I was never popular. Wanted by men. For the wrong reasons.
I feel unworthy of men now. I have been on very few dates. Firsts are even fewer.
I am still growing. Still letting go.

I needed this. Whether no one reads it.
I needed to write it down.
What I’ve lived through.
And I am not bitter. I am joyous. I live my life the best I can. I smile all the time. With the braces I’ve wanted since I was 8.
I lived. There is light after darkness.
I am on my own. Single now. I’ve experienced my first love. My first love lost.
And I am healing. Slowly.

Theives, “Above it All”

What has happened to our world. We walk past each other, no smiles, no eye contact. Mostly we look down at our phones all day. Not caring about those that still walk around us. We do not care about one another. And I wish that would change. I am 50s housewife at heart, though I am far from that decade. I have watched my own home being broken into on multiple occasions. Walking in to my home to find a man running out of my living room. Chasing him down the street for being the EVIL excuse for a human being. I definitely feel passion to stop lies and thievery.
Why is stealing acceptable to them? What makes them above the law, above feelings. Why can’t they think about there actions? When you take something from someone, do you think about how they feel about it?
I was raised to believe “Do onto others as you would have done to you” I was not religious, I am still not religious. I just believe in right and wrong. Honesty. Trust.
I cannot trust my home unarmed, unlocked, or unwatched. I can’t trust to stop and tie my shoe with my bike. I can’t trust lightrail.
We can’t trust the people that are all around us. There is so much EVIL in this world. And they just believe they won’t be caught or effected by the actions they make.

Well. Hear this.
That christmas present they just tossed over the fence, yea that’s what that little girl wanted for the past 3 years. You didn’t just take the toy she’d been dreaming about opening, you destroyed her Christmas.
That bike you stole from that bike stand, locked up or not. Belongs to someone that needs it, what if thats there only means of transportation? What if all they have left in the world is a bike?
That Ipod you stole from that girls backpack? She just got that the week previous, and it was her first MP3 player that wasn’t a hand me down.

I just can’t grasp how they believe its okay. Whomever raised them, fucked up.
Teach your kids right from wrong, stealing is a terrible thing to do. Lying is just as bad.
I feel like I’ve got to be one of the last “kids”, I didn’t have a cell phone til I was a SOPHOMORE in highschool. And it was almost at the end of it. Didn’t have texting. Just calls. I saw a 14 yr old with a blackberry yesterday, and better brands that even I wear.
Why can’t we send our kids out on bikes, because we have drunks driving thinking thats okay.
Why can’t we leave our doors unlocked at night, because we have thieves thinking that its okay.
Why can’t we lock our bikes in downtown Sacramento, because someone somewhere is out there looking for a bike where no one is looking. Waiting on you to leave, so they can get away with your bike. So they can make an easy unearned buck.
Why can’t we trust our credit cards at gas stations or restaurants, because someone thinks they can get away with taking an extra bit of cash for themselves.
Why can’t we walk alone anywhere as women, because there is someone lurking wanting to steal our purses, jump us in the alley, or rape us up against a fence.

I cannot stand the world I live in, I wanted to be a mother. My passion in life. I love the innocence of a child, the unadulterated love they feel for you. Never swaying. We care more about ourselves than our kids these days and I think that should change.
I wouldn’t want to bring a child into this world today. Force them to live out a life that is filled with hatred and missing the beauty of the world. Unable to experience compassion.
I truly care about the well being of other people, and all animals(Except snakes). And I wish I knew more people that felt the same way.