Weird.

In exactly one week. I will be on the road to Portland. I’ll have just finished packing up all my childhood belongings that I’ll be taking. I’ll be grabbing the last of my things, and what doesn’t fit in the cars, I’m tossing. Should be interesting, downsizing a final time. The good thing is, they don’t have a lot of furniture, so I might be able to keep almost all of my furniture items, and I’m grateful everything I don’t have, she does, and everything they’ve been needing, I’ve always had. We were made to live together from the get go, and just haven’t done it yet. 
I’m VERY excited to be moving in with my best friend. It’ll be weird leaving Sacramento, but I’ll be renting a car for the first time, driving up to Portland for the final time, and I’ll have my baby Chase, I’ll have all that I could ever need/want for the next month or so. And I’ll be killing through my savings over the next couple weeks. It’s gonna be a bitch… Its so expensive to rent a hotel for a night for the bestie, rent a car for 2 days under 25, (not to mention gas and any extra fees, but the reservation has been made! Yay!) and there gas getting up because there car will be heavier since it’s bigger than the one I’m renting. Should be fun, another 12 hour drive up to Portland. Oh, My. I’m just too excited. 

And she’ll be here for her 21st birthday, hence the hotel room, so I’ll be the DD for the lovely couple while we rampage through downtown Sacramento one last time before we leave, and I’ll probably never come back. Leaving my childhood, leaving all that is my past, all of my exes, all of the women that betrayed my trust, all of the backstabbing men, all of the abusers, users, thieves, and liars from my past. I leave them to their lives however they end  up. I leave them behind, so I can start over, start fresh, start my new beginning with my best friend, her man, and our cats.

The only downside…. I’m already a bit boy crazy. Should be a fun adventure, single in Portland.

Dear Parents: Stop Worrying That Your 20-Something Is Lost

Thought Catalog

Here is an open letter to all the parents, aunts and uncles who write to me asking for advice about the twentysomething in their life who is an incorrigible underachiever:

Lighten up! No one should be labeled an underachiever in their twenties! The first thing you should ask yourself is whose standards are you using? This is not the same workplace that existed ten years ago. There are new rules, and you need to stop applying the old rules to someone who has no need for them.

The people who know exactly what they want to do when they are 22 are called, in the land of sociology, “fast starters.” And today that is only 12% of the workforce. In general, these people are conservative, taking paths their parents took, and do not ask a lot of questions. The majority of twentysomethings today move back home with their parents , job hop…

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Big 21

I had decided to spoil myself. I had saved up some money, stashing away whatever I didn’t use that week into my piggy bank, had been saving for weeks, something over a month. I had saved just over 100. And I ended up splurging more and spending just over 150. That included 2 full outfits, and sandals for each.

To start my birthday, I had a dentist appointment, a cleaning, and I’d be getting my retainer finally… They found 3 cavities, (I hadn’t had a cavity in over 5 years) needless to say, I was extremely disappointed. And that meant I’d have a drill in my mouth soon enough. They asked me to come back, on my birthday, an hour and a half later. I obliged and asked my dad to go out to lunch sometime after… Until he let me know I’d have a numb mouth, so I rescheduled for the next day, got my toes done and had lunch at Boston Market. Nothing fancy, I just really wanted Boston Market(had been craving it for almost a year) but I barely ate, my stomach is too small especially if I don’t get to smoke before eating.

I got to wear pin stripe high rise shorts, a black crochet bra-let under a coral see through top with these black sandals that look simply darling. I felt awesome. Completely amazing running my few errands, having my new retainer, getting my toes all pretty, and getting my favorite potato salad.

Skipping forward. I’m a lite weight. Like. An EXTREME lite weight.

I drank a mixed beverage, felt pretty drunk, took a walk and smoked a bowl and managed to sober and get hungry for food. Then I got all dolled up. Lisa did my hair and my make up for the most part, and I wore my new leopard print maxi skirt with this black vest and tan sandals. I felt like Robyn in the later years of How I met your Mother, because my hair is so short. I have a semi grown out A line, and its longest length is almost to my shoulders. My hair bounced up in curls, and I felt pretty, I felt really good about myself. And I only got more excited as the night went on, but feeling rushed leaving the house as I realized I forgot to do the one thing I promised them.. The litter box… So I had to clean that up, and so I forgot this necklace my sister gave me. Finally 21 bright pink shot glass. Very Vegas. But it was perfect. It would’ve been perfect and maybe got me more attention.

I felt very… out of place. I was super dressed up, and these bitches were all in short shorts. :/ And the whole place had about 20 people. The majority of which were either the bands groupies, or outside smoking hookah getting away from the terribly loud music inside…

I was served my first drink, the bartender called bullshit on it being my 21st birthday, I should’ve been someplace more filled, or at least been somewhere I could turn heads. No one cared to even check me out. I find it odd I use this to grade my evening, but not even ONE look. Are you serious?

I had no idea what to order. Not a clue. Not a FUCKING THING came to mind. Margarita did later. But I didn’t actually want one. At all.

So I didn’t get to ask for anything, he then whipped me up this double shot thing… Looked like salt on the glass, salt on the lemon. Then I started to drink it. It was like chocolate cake…. Which would be awesome. If I liked the taste of chocolate. It was simply foul.

Got me fucked up though. And it was free… But it was still really, really nasty. My taste buds were angry. I had to ask for some of Sarah’s beverage to get the crap taste out of my mouth. It really did taste spot on like chocolate cake…… I just didn’t want or expect that flavor. I wanted fruity, and had expected super harsh nastyness. It just wasn’t the nasty I had “wanted”

These girls were walking around talking about the specials. Malibu Spice, and Absolute Peach Pit. Sarah got the Absolute Peach Pit, which tasted pretty nice. And I got the Malibu Spice, which didn’t. I don’t like mango or most of the juices Malibu likes to use apparently. And there was no spice like in a Bloody Mary. Did I mention there was only like 20 people? They ended up giving us free chapstick, and free t-shirts. I actually really like my T-shirt… Its currently at Sarah’s though. I left it there.

 

 

Anyways.

That was my night. We went and rolled a blunt in my old neighborhood. I got really sick after finally sitting down for the first time at the house. But immediately passed out once I laid back down after getting sick. Slept pretty great, but couldn’t wake up to take lightrail and bus to my dentist appointment. One hour til my appointment I asked my dad for a ride. I was not feeling all too well, sure I was looking at a mini hangover, but as the day went on, I didn’t feel so sick. After the dentist though…. my phone was dying, I was hungry, I was so very awkwardly about to bleed through my pants, and the only way I was getting back to Lisa’s was by taking a bus, two trains, another bus, and walking 2 miles.

FML

It took me 3 hours, or more. I was very, very unhappy. Maybe I’m spoiled. Maybe I felt like I should’ve been more special. Getting that fucking far, on what felt like the beginning of a terrible year….. Was not an accomplishment. I bought booze and strawberries that went bad like the next day. This is what I get for buying items and carrying them in my bag for 2 miles. Poor strawberries.

I’ve still yet to make a smoothie, or daiquiri. Talk about failures. Plans always change. And I still don’t adjust or accept change well.

I’m so indecisive. SO indecisive. Thank you Cody.

 

21 has not been kind to me. I’m hoping Portland changes that. I’m hoping I can bring it around, make 21 my greatest year ever, somehow. Some way.

 

I’ve made yet another temporary life changing decision. To make things easier on myself, or at least on my wallet and on my sleep. I need to be able to smoke when I please, and be able to come and go as I please, and be able to spend less. I’m about to make such a HUGE transition. And I can’t seem to make myself save in the place I’m crashing… I love my friends for helping, but they’re not really helping me in any way. And life has only gotten harder. Like tomorrow. Tomorrow I shall be ready to leave the apartment before 6. Gotta walk 2 miles. Get on a bus, and take the bus to light rail. And take light rail to work. Not so awesome.

So, I’m gonna see if I can bring my stress level down, sleep easier, have less nightmares, and smoke a tad more. I’ll be crashing on my parents couch. But I’ll get a ride from light rail, be right by my boss’ office, and I guess its a pretty good thing to have my last few weeks with my family. In hopes it all goes more smoothly.

I smoke marijuana, and I don’t appreciate the rude comments towards my habit.

21 Things That Everyone Deserves To Experience

I’m truly grateful to have experienced so much, and with my move up to Portland, I hope I say I made the right choice. As of now, its the scariest move, biggest change. And it involves leaving so very much behind. I have to hope I’m making the right choice. I am still trying to convince myself, but we’ll know soon enough. 🙂

Thought Catalog

1. Having a friend who does not judge you or look down on you, no matter what, and who really listens when you tell them something important or difficult.

2. Finally going on the one ride at the amusement park that you were always just a little too scared of, but which left you disappointed every time you didn’t get up the courage to ride it.

3. Having a picnic out by the water on a day where it’s just sunny enough to feel warm on your face but not so hot that you can’t enjoy sitting still. (And where the bugs all miraculously leave you alone.)

4. Swimming in clear water, where you can see the bottom even when you are chest-deep.

5. Kissing someone you have really, really wanted to kiss for a long time, and having that whole tingly-body sensation when you realize that it’s just as…

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Comforting

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get myself to stop crying. I couldn’t get myself to stop thinking about all the good things I’d be leaving behind, not just in Sacramento when I leave, but with Aaron and my friends. I know things will get better for me without him, maybe without a man all together. I need to focus on me.

I still couldn’t help it. And I kept Momma bear up with all my strange noises. My dear friend HAD to come out and ask how I was. As I wipe my tears and pathetically say “Yea, I’m fine” She climbs over the baby gate and gets me a tissue box and sits down and chatted with me for a good hour and a half after the past 2 I spent trying to be quiet and not wake them.

She made me giggle, she let me get out my worries and sad thoughts. She just talked with me, talked about cats and the baby and allergies and her hubby some. It took awhile because at one point I checked my phone and got really upset again. But she calmed me back down and I went on a short baby walk in the complex to go find my dark corner to smoke my pathetic almost bowls. Gotta change that today….

Then I was able to come back and have only a mini panic attack then immediately crashed. I was thankful. Til the nightmares came. I had not smoked enough to stop myself from remembering them.

I don’t remember it, I just remember waking up both EXTREMELY tired and really, really, really depressed. UNTIL Mr. Robert brought out the sleepy grumpy baby. Hunter saw me through his exhausted eyes, handed a bottle to lay and drink while he wakes himself up. And I just laid next to Hunter and watched him as he watched me trying to lay his foot on my belly and then eventually rolling over practically on top of me. Immediately made my day a thousand times nicer. That little baby face filled with wonder and innocence. I got ready, and we drove the baby and Lisa to gramps and while they were busy talking I got to just hold him and dance to “My Best Friends Girl” by The Cars. He liked it, he loves being held and bounced and twirled in my arms. Then off to work Robert and I went.

Today may be filled with emotions that are just crazy all over the place. But, I will allow myself to feel, and I will allow myself to accept and move on.

 

Breaking up sucks

Drowning

When you feel like your struggling to live day to day. Not because the future is chasing you, but because day to day is a struggle within itself.

When that day you can’t bring yourself to talk about your problems, can’t bare to admit you have them. I hide my problems and seem to expect others to just know I’m always upset and just not tear me down. All I need in my life is good. I stand by “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.” So I don’t say those mean thoughts that at some point do come to mind, instead, I’m quiet  if I don’t have anything nice to say. I expect that of those I care about, I expect that they’ll want to do the same thing.

Quite a lot of people don’t want to care about others, but if someone is being kind to you, giving you a compliment, deeming you special, don’t blow it off like they mean squat. I think it feels really good to make someone feel good about themselves, and I feel SO much more confidence when I get a compliment from someone. Absolutely every time I receive a compliment it makes my day fantastic, it could have been the shittiest of days many things went wrong, but because someone liked my hair, my purse, my shirt, the way I dance when I walk, my smile, anything at all makes me feel awesome. I wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world. I feed off of positivity and sunshine. Negativity is contagious. If you’re mean to someone, they may just be mean to someone because its fair to them because someone made THEM feel like shit that day. Its a vicious cycle and I don’t approve.

 

I feel like I’m drowning in negativity and depression. I need more compliments, and I need Ana. I’m extremely unhappy, and I’m tired of being unhappy.

Anorexia, the battle I’m not winning this week.

I feel weak, I feel tired, I feel STARVED.

I have an eating disorder. Absolutely, I do and it controls me.

I wish I knew the day it started, or if this has been the reason I’ve been so small for my entire life. The only time I was chunky in my own mind was the worst and greatest summer of my life.

I was at my biggest, my healthiest, and I felt mostly ok and I felt great about my average sized boobs for the first time. It was awesome going from practically flat chested and skinny as a rail to kinda chunky and some good cleavage going. It worked for me, and I didn’t actually look terrible, and I’d have looked great if I just exercised even a little.

My senior year sometime I didn’t deal with that, I started chunky, but I had a glow to my smile. Then the year went to shit at the end, and I don’t even remember the rest of the year. I don’t remember school. I don’t remember all of the people I once called my best friend, I don’t remember those I hung out with, I don’t have any good memories from Senior year. I don’t really have all that many memories to begin with. I remember the bad, the terrible. And most of my years there are kind of a blur. 4 years of growing up and maturing and drama, hard to squeeze in on top of all the other memories we’ve got. I have a very bad short term memory. Trying to remember to eat every few hours is a full chore. Dammit, did I even eat? The answer, probably not.

I don’t get cravings often, and if I’m craving something, I like to just get it, thats awesome if I actually know what I want. It doesn’t happen enough though, I can’t tell you the last time I craved something, maybe it was the chocolate covered strawberries from Golden Corral, which I asked Aaron to take me there. And we did, and I got like a plate of carbs, then a salad, then 3 strawberries dipped in the warm hardening chocolate.

I don’t even like chocolate. Thats a weird craving.

 

Anyways. I forget, and I just don’t have an appetite really. I eat really slowly all the time, and I get full really fast on some days.

I can fluctuate between consecutive days I’m able to eat like a *PIG, and then the next week I get really full off of a few bites, or worse a single bite kills my appetite.

The past 4 days at least I have not eaten a whole meal at any given time. Sunday, I ate taco bell, chugged my Smirnoff ice immediately after, then went rafting… I got sick within an hour and I haven’t eaten much since. Aaron has bought me food and a single bite killed my day and no food was accepted after that. Monday at work I skipped breakfast, big mistake, and couldn’t eat the food I purchased for lunch. It sat, waiting, then once it was cold I had to toss it, it would only make me gag.

Each day goes like that. And today. It hurts. 4 days without real food, without even a SINGLE meal at any given time. I have wasted too much money on the food I’ve purchased. And I’m really thankful when I can remember Jamba Juice on the days like these. I will have to get or make a smoothie after work and for lunch tomorrow.

I cannot handle the pain that comes with this stupid disorder. I have always eaten slow, always gagged from eating food at random times. I am sometimes fully incapable of eating. Cannot get food down my throat.

I keep granola bars in my desk so that this doesn’t happen as badly, and they sometimes do it. This is bad. And I hate living like this.

 

 

 

*PIG- I realize this is a harsh term to use on myself, and its not quite true. I mean, sure, I can eat more on those days, but its like a regular appetite because when my body is feeling well, I have an amazingly awesome metabolism so I actually want to eat more.

11 Types Of People We Should All Unfriend

Damn

Thought Catalog

People who mock others for being “special snowflakes”

You’re supposed to be the main character in your own life. If you can’t find beauty and meaning in your own life, where the hell else are you going to find it?

People who always have a cold

You know those people in your office who are coughing and sneezing like, every other week?

When you are sick, stay home, get better. Do not infect others with your germs. Also, try taking a multi-vitamin and washing your hands more? It seems like it is always the same people who are sick every other month.

People who are unhappy

Everyone is unhappy sometimes, and that is fine, but if unhappy is your default setting, other people can’t afford to be around you. That shit is contagious.

Complainers

Complaining is the worst thing you can do when you are in a bad situation. It…

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Thats it!

I’m throwing my hands up! I still can’t post anything short. I can’t just blog. Its about time I start thinking about actually writing my own book, my own life story. I can’t stop writing, it just keeps triggering more and more, and I need to explain more and more in order for anything to make sense.

 

I wanted to post my inspiration to get out of this depression, to fight my PTSD in a better way because clearly what I’m doing isn’t working. Exercise has helped, marijuana has helped, but getting it off my chest, getting this weight lifted from my shoulders, well, that’d be the greatest thing I could ever do. I’ve carried so much for so long. I can’t keep it bottled, its time for me to share with everyone whats really going on inside this head of mine, what I really feel inside.

 

I follow these amazing women who have gone through something horrible in their own lives, something that brought them down, made them so very unhappy, unable to be around others, unable to see life as worth living, and once they hit there lowest they were done. They all decided at some point they wanted to be happy, and they wanted to love themselves and they wanted to move on. They started blogging, or a You tube channel.

I hadn’t realized who I had chosen til I found their magic words that explained why they got started.

Emily Hart- She saw a 12 yr old innocent, happy boy and went home and made a list of 10 reasons why she’d rather be a 12 year old boy. She recorded herself explaining it, and posted it for the world to see. And thus began 10 reasons why.

Superwoman- She just thought of ideas of how to help someone feel better, all she wanted to do was be the reason someone had a better day. Anyone. So she started blogging and being really silly explaining her views and opinions.

A few bloggers I follow on this site have gone through similar issues that I have, currently fighting the stage of depression I’m in, and some just on the verge of getting out of it. I follow them all in hopes we’ll all be better. I like seeing the videos and seeing they may not always be happy, but for the most part, they actually are. I like reading the posts to connect on a level I’ve never gotten to connect with. Though I have been stressed, though I have been betrayed, though I have been beaten down, I have never been open about my feelings, and when I am someone interrupts me, I am open on paper, I am open online, I am open on my blog. I can finally let out all the pain and hurt I’ve kept inside, and if even one person listens to me, I can feel a tiny ounce of relief. 

But I must continue writing my full story, I fear I’ll never finish, there is just too much hurt I’ve kept to myself. Too much ridiculousness. Its time to let it out. Its time I was finally free of that weight.