I see no future, I have only a disaster of a past. I want to say fuck it and give up.

Im tired of others telling me what to do, those that don’t care about how I’m doing or what I’m about. I feel judged, I feel dirty. 

If I cannot make myself want the only thing I was sure about, where does that leave me? 

I see no future, I have only a disaster of a past. 

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Never Dull, Always Entertaining

Its hard to keep your head up, and trust in others when you feel very self conscious of anything. At least for me it is.

In the past week. I’ve dropped my phone in my friends toilet because I had to have it with me when I started to do my makeup. I didn’t end up doing much make up. I did in fact go out. And have my best friends maaaaan hit on a guy for me. He was cute, seemed straight in a gay club… So. That was interesting. I quickly found out why. He left at one point. Just disappeared. And he came out in a banana thong. He was a gogo. And a straight guy. WOW. Never thought I’d come across that, I couldn’t even watch Magic Mike without feeling weird. Seeing a man half naked in front of others, clearly not something I’m that comfortable with. I always thought I’d be okay to see male strippers or see a show. I’m starting to think otherwise. I’ve sheltered myself from porn or photos from men I know, so that’s still very new to me. Anyways, I couldn’t look at him, my friends could check him out and I’d hear them say all sorts of crazy remarks about him and his fantastic ass. But I couldn’t do it. I had seen him clothed first. That night was dope though. And Carlos pulled him aside and told him I thought he was cute, and he thought I was too. 😛 But when Carlos pulled him to our table on his break I still couldn’t look but he sounded nice, chill, and his name was Jason. Which was ironic for me, and didn’t help, at all.
I didn’t speak. I was too shy.

I’ve also screwed up at work a lot this week. Like, I should be fired, thats how terrible I feel. Public Transportation has FUCKED me over for like the past couple weeks, if I’m not early. I’m late. So. That’s fucking awesome. It took me 2 and a half hours after my Doctors appointment finally ended to get back to work. Meaning I arrived AFTER my coworkers left. They had only been gone like less than 10 minutes. But, it sucked. And I didn’t get to explain what took me so long, just disappointment. But, But, But, I don’t have a car. 😦
I need to get a car. I’m tired of using CL to get my errands done or having to rely on friends for anything. Everyone I know is SO busy or has a life they can’t just drop for me. So, I’m not about to ask. So, I pay CL rideshare when I gotta go. Or use a LOT of public transportation.

I mean, I’m NEVER late to work, except when I screw up and take a long lunch. But we don’t have time cards, and its permitted as long as they are aware whats up. I’m still working on that line, when am I supposed to call? When I know I’m gonna be late, when I’m on my way? When I think I’m gonna be late. When I think I may take too long doing whatever. There are a lot of questions I’m just afraid to ask. So, It leads to confusion and my self doubt.
I feel like I’m going to be fired. And thats a terrible feeling. :/

So, now that I HAVE to replace my phone. And I can’t use the upgrade. I’m getting my own plan. A new number. My first bill in MY name. Woohoo!

And we get internet this week. 🙂 Not in my name. But, I pay half the bill so I can have internet at my place. Oh, my next door neighbor is one of my best friends, so that’s why I get internet too. 😀

So, this week has had some ups and some downs. But overall, its been on the better side, except at work. I just really hope I keep my job. 😦 Think good thoughts for me. I need this job!