Last night I wasn’t feeling all too well, my stomach was starting to grumble, as an almost vegetarian, my hot dog didn’t settle well. I rarely eat them, but I usually fry them up, gives it a better texture and a better flavor. Last night, my hot dog was boiled. I knew I had no chance at it settling easy. My tummy is too particular, the texture alone was enough to simply make my stomach turn. So, I crawled in bed early, had a piece of chocolate to see if it’d help. Relaxing and sucking on my little piece of chocolate, I felt a bit better. Quickly fell asleep soon after Aaron got in bed, relaxed entirely up against him.
I was out like a light.
Nightmares soon came.
I was running on someone’s roof, yelling down to those below me, I needed help. For some reason I was calling for help, someone, anyone. Help me! I started yelling, I started panicking, I was then handed a child. I was asking for help, and a woman gave me a crying baby.
I woke up then. Aaron had brought me out of my nightmare. I had been panicking on the outside enough to wake him too, he couldn’t let me suffer, he had to wake me.
I woke and felt a touch better, I was pleased to be out of that dream. And I immediately fell back asleep.
The dream came back, playing out the EXACT same way, as far as I can remember anyways.
Aaron woke me again. This time I was unsure if I wanted to fall back asleep, just so thankful to not be panicking, screaming for help. I held onto him tightly, deciding if it was worth it to go to sleep.. If I’d rather get up and sit, and think. Or if I could calm myself down and cuddle back up til I fell back into deep sleep.
I decided not to worry him, I just curled up and tried to relax.
As far as I know, no more nightmares came, no more panicking in my sleep. I just slept til the alarm went off.
I hate nightmares. I hate how often they come. Sure, I’m so comfy with Aaron I can have dreams again, and not just nightmares. But, I still wish they’d stop. I’m always freaking out on the inside. Losing my protective bubble, forced into a panic in my sleeping state. I want to calm, I want to be entirely happy, I don’t want my past trying to drag me down.
I’m curious as to what my nightmare meant, what’s happening? Why did that dream have me so panicked? What do I need help for? Am I still needing someone to walk me through my past.
I still need to confront it, I still need to discuss it, I need to say everything thats happened. I need to get it out so I may forgive myself, so I may feel happiness all of the time. So I have less nightmares. So I’m not uneasy about topics, days, or past memories. I want to be able to admit it all, be able to say aloud what has happened to me. So I can live for today. I don’t want to continue to live as though it never happened, and that’s still how I’d like to feel. I want to say it never happened, it was never like that, I wish it was a lie. I was never the girl that had dreadful things happen to her, I was gonna be the one without problems, that lived life with no regrets.
I decided my freshman year I would never regret, I would live my life and whatever happens happens. I didn’t know how to say no, I wish I had listened to “Lost Kitten” by Metric sooner. ” Don’t say yes if you can’t say no. Victim of the system, say it isn’t so.”
I couldn’t even say no, I said stop. I could never say no after the first time I did, I said no, I’m sure of it. But he pushed me down on him anyways.
I don’t recall saying no any other time, but I remember not wanting it, and for some reason going through with it and thinking “No regrets, right?” It was all fun and games, I allowed them to use my body. I won’t allow it ever again. I can say No, now.
I’ve still got to find someone I can talk to, I can blog and vent a little, but I need someone to admit my issues aloud. And my therapist was quickly too expensive. And I don’t want to burden Aaron with the heavy stuff so soon.
I am still trying to come to acceptance with my past. I am ready to admit, ready to heal, beyond ready for my future. I want to be happy with Aaron. I just wish I could feel better now, I don’t like being over dramatic. Each emotion I feel is blown up a thousand times, I’ve just been lucky its mostly sadness and my longing for my better future.
I will get better, I will talk out my problems so they aren’t problems when I’m to carry my child.
Each morning I wake up, and secretly hope to feel something different. I want to wake and feel fantastic, or to feel someone growing inside me. I know that would make my problems disappear for months, or maybe for good.
I know I’ll feel my happiness at its peak when I find out its happening. Its not. But I’m totally ready for the good news.
On a different note, my sickling, is still home sick, and I hope he gets better soon. Its really starting to worry me, like maybe its time he see someone. 😦
I’m gonna hope he gets better on his own, but I’m almost to the point that I’d ask him to elope tomorrow to get the insurance he needs.
I have a secret little dream I haven’t told anyone. And, though I always wanted big events, I would be willing to do what I needed. I don’t see us having any major issues besides health ones. I’m too skinny and eat unhealthy, he’s got medical problems and no insurance. He needs Medical insurance. >.<